To parents who love their children but end up hurting them unintentionally

Part 1.
Words that help build a child's self-esteem

When you are afraid of hospital visits or injections
Words said without thinking, “Don’t cry, just endure it bravely.” Words that boost self-esteem, “You were in pain, weren’t you? You endured it bravely.”

When you don't want to brush your teeth
Words we say without thinking “If you don’t brush your teeth, you’ll get cavities.” Words that boost self-esteem “I hate brushing my teeth so much, it’s embarrassing!”

When a child urges
Words said without thinking, “I told you to wait!” 〉〉 Words that boost self-esteem, “I’m really looking forward to it~”

When eating and spilling food
Words said without thinking, “I told you it would spill if you did that! Why are you so careless?” Words that build self-esteem, “It’s okay, that’s possible.
“I’ll wipe it for you.”

When you act like you want to do whatever you want
A thought that comes to mind without thinking, 'Is it okay to accept this kind of behavior?' 〉〉 A thought that builds self-esteem, 'It's only now that I'm crying because things don't go my way.'
[Thinking More About Your Child | A Parenting Book That Gives You Peace of Mind, Not a Grim Reaper]

Part 2.
Words that help children develop self-expression skills

When you don't want to eat vegetables
A thoughtless remark: “Let’s eat vegetables too.”
“It’s good for your health.” 〉〉 Phrases that help you develop self-expression “Hmm, eating vegetables is hard.”
[Thinking More About Your Child | Should You Teach English From a Young Age?]

When my younger sibling was born, I became more stubborn.
Words said without thinking “The baby is crying, so wait a minute!” Words that help develop self-expression “Mom and Dad were so happy when you were born.”

When you finish eating without spilling or spilling food
A casual remark: “Good job.”
“It’s great!” 〉〉 Phrases that help develop self-expression “Was it delicious?”

When sucking your fingers or biting your nails
Words said without thinking, “You’re in elementary school now, so you shouldn’t act like that!” 〉〉 Words that help develop self-expression, “I hope elementary school is fun.”

Part 3.
Words that help children feel secure

When you're completely absorbed in watching TV
A thoughtless remark: “Why don’t you study when you’re watching TV like that?” A remark that builds a sense of stability: “You’re so focused! I’ll put a drink right next to you.”

When you refuse to go to school, saying, “I’m not going to school anymore!”
Words said without thinking “That’s not what I meant!” Words that build a sense of security “You must hate it that much.”
[Thinking More About Your Child | When You Think Your Child Might Have a Developmental Disability]

When your child asks to exercise together
Words said without thinking, “If you’re going to do it, do it right.” Words that build a sense of stability, “This is so much fun.”

If you want to raise a confident child
Words said without thinking, “It’s cool that you did such a great job!” Words that build a sense of stability, “You’re cool just the way you are.”

When making a false claim
A casual remark: “No, that’s wrong.
Because~” 〉〉 Words that foster a sense of security “It’s a good thing to be able to say what you think.”
[Thinking More About Children | Even Obedient Children Have Problems]

When the toy is clumsy and seems like it might break
Words said without thinking, “If you touch it, it will break.” Words that build a sense of security, “It’s broken.”
What should I do?

Part 4.
Words that give children a chance to grow

When you don't do your homework on time and just put it off
A thoughtless remark: “Have you finished your homework?” A remark that provides an opportunity for growth: “When is the best time to do your homework?”

When I'm watching TV late at night
Words said without thinking, “How long are you going to watch TV?” Words that give you a chance to grow, “I’ll sleep first~.”
good night!"
[Thinking More About Your Child | What It Means to Play with Your Child]

When you feel uncomfortable even after helping another family's child
A thought that comes to mind: "How did this child's parents raise him?" A thought that provides an opportunity for growth: "It's a happy thing to be able to help a child in trouble."

When you are very upset by your child's behavior
Words said without thinking, “If you’re going to do whatever you want, get out of my house!” Words that give you a chance to grow, “You are my treasure!”

When you think you can barely do it even if your parents tell you to
A careless remark: “Do you really have to do this?” 〉〉 A remark that gives you an opportunity for growth: “I’m sorry I made you do it before you could do it yourself.”

When you talk loudly at an amusement park
Words said without thinking, “If you keep talking like that, I won’t bring you back!” Words that give you a chance to grow, “I won’t nag you today!”
[Thinking More About Your Child | Always Express Gratitude]

When I got a call from school
Words said without thinking, “Behave yourself at school!” Words that give you a chance to grow, “I think the teacher really likes you.”

When you only say rebellious things
Words said without thinking “That’s something you should say to your parents!” 〉〉 Words that give you a chance to grow “Are you speaking too loudly?”
[Thinking More About Your Child | It's Better to Scold Than Get Angry]

Part 5.
Words that build trust in children

When you take off your clothes and leave them anywhere
A thoughtless remark: “I told you to put the laundry in the washing machine!” 〉〉 A thought that builds trust: “Organizing is good exercise!”

When a child fails
Words said without thinking “If you had just done as Mom said, things wouldn’t have turned out like this!” 〉〉 Words that build trust “Was it hard?”

If you want to support your child's life
Words said without thinking, “I hope you can live freely doing what you like.” Words that build trust, “I like it the way it is now.
I really like you the way you are now.
"
[Thinking More About Your Child | How Should You Respond If Your Child Self-Harms?]

When you are worried about your career path
Words said without thinking, “If you just get into that school, everything will be solved!” 〉〉 Words that build trust, “You’ve worked hard.
“I see you’re worried.”

When you keep looking at your smartphone
Words said without thinking, “I’ll confiscate your smartphone for a moment!” 〉〉 Words that build trust, “This is important, so tell me what you think.”
[Thinking More About Children | The People Who Support My Parenting]

In conclusion | At some point, parents must change from being warm to watching.

Bad parents are openly hurtful,
Wise parents hurt without thinking.

So, if you don't yell at your child or get angry, are you a good parent? "That seems like a lot better treatment than our parents, but why doesn't my child listen to me?" asks the author of "Things I Never Hear, So I Never Said to My Child."


“Parents of today’s generation are busy making a living, so they focus on developing their children’s social skills.
As a result, there were many cases where children were raised under strict control.
Times have changed a lot, and these days parents want their children to grow up freely.
However, because parents have learned to control their children rather than to love and comfort them for who they are, I often see cases where they only express kindness but still suppress their children.
“You are passing the wounds on to your child.”

The author points out that many parents who truly love and cherish their children, but don't know how far to acknowledge their children's true selves or where to draw the line between strict discipline and unnecessary control.
On the surface, they may seem like loving and good parents, but because they learned from their parents how to strictly control their children rather than how to love and comfort them, they often end up kindly suppressing their children.
In this case, contrary to your goal of becoming a 'good parent', you secretly pass on the hurt to your child.
Parents of our generation, who have not been properly loved, need to learn the 'skill of expressing love' in order to raise their children happily without suppressing their natural selves.
This also frees parents from the pressure of having to 'raise their children well'.


Wrap my child warmly
Words to help you grow properly

"Things I Couldn't Say to My Child Because I Never Heard Them" contains five stages of conversation habits that will help you raise your child to be their natural self.
Step 1 is 'Words that foster a child's self-affirmation', which helps the child establish a correct self-image and lay the foundation for self-esteem.
'Stage 2 is about developing self-expression skills', and it contains words that help children know what they want and confidently express their opinions without being intimidated by others.
'Stage 3: Words that help build a child's sense of security' are words that let the child know that it is okay to experience failure and that parents are always on their side.
'Words that give children a chance to grow at Stage 4' are words that stand aside and watch over children so that they can step out into the world on their own, decide their own actions, and accept the consequences that come with them.
'Stage 5: Building a Child's Faith' is a phrase that gives a child who must live in the world separated from his or her family the confidence that his or her parents are always by his or her side.
This book not only provides a warm embrace for children, but also contains the words parents need to help their children grow up healthy and active members of the world.