I wrote this book to answer this question.
Why do conversations flow smoothly with some people, while others feel blocked and suffocated? Over the past 20 years, numerous studies have been published attempting to answer this question.
Learning this wisdom will enable us to listen more clearly and speak more engagingly.
We know that the human brain has evolved to crave connection with others.
When you meet someone you both agree with, your eyes dilate simultaneously, your pulses sync, you feel similar emotions, and you begin to complete each other's sentences in your heads.
This phenomenon, known as 'neural entrainment', makes people feel good.
As we live, we sometimes encounter such joyful moments, but I don't think there's a specific reason for them; I just think it's because we happened to meet someone we can communicate well with.
On the other hand, there are times when you desperately want to get closer to someone, but things don't go as planned.
--- p.9

Looking back, I knew I was failing in my relationships with the people who mattered most to me, but I didn't know what to do.
This kind of failure is very fatal to me.
Because as a writer, I am someone who practically makes a living through communication.
Why is it so hard for me to get close to the people who matter most to me and listen to their stories? I realized I wasn't alone in this confusion.
Everyone sometimes fails to listen to their friends or colleagues, fails to understand their true feelings, and fails to hear what they are really trying to say.
Moreover, we ourselves often speak in a way that others do not understand.
--- pp.11-12

Instead of calling these people "super communicators," scientists prefer to use the terms "central players" or "key informants."
But Sibus knew what kind of people they were.
They were the friends you looked to when you needed advice, the bosses you often called upon to lead, and the coworkers everyone welcomed as mood makers.
Sibus himself performed on stage with super communicators, sought them out at parties, and voted for them.
There were even times when I unknowingly took on the role of a super communicator.
But none of the research papers Sievers read explained why some people were more synchronized than others.
So, Sibus planned his own experiment.
--- p.32

Ede's biggest mistake was believing she knew everything her patients wanted before meeting them.
So he felt confident that he could objectively advise patients and explain their options so they could make informed decisions.
“But it’s not a good idea to start a negotiation assuming you know what the other party wants,” Malhotra said.
This is the beginning of a conversation about decision-making.
Figuring out what each person wants to talk about.
Of course, to find out what someone wants, you can simply ask, “What do you want?”
However, if the other person is unsure themselves, embarrassed to speak, unsure of how to express their wishes, or feels that revealing too much will put them at a disadvantage, it is bound to fail.
--- p.76

You just met someone.
It could be a friend of a friend, a recent coworker, or even someone you met on a blind date.
By greeting each other and briefly introducing your backgrounds, you are no longer in the 'what do you want to say?' state.
Then, as expected, silence flows.
What should I say now? The best way to quickly become friends is to start asking questions.
However, it is impossible to answer all 36 questions in this session.
Well then, let's start with question number 3.
“Do you practice before you make a call?” If you’re short on time, start with the more in-depth number 18.
You don't need a PhD in psychology to know that asking, "What's the most terrifying memory you've ever had?" isn't a good strategy.
If you ask a stranger outside the lab this question, you're already booked for countless lonely nights ahead.
In reality, those 36 questions aren't very helpful.
So what exactly are you asking?
--- pp.133-134

“As I said, you’re going to pair up with someone you just met and have a 10-minute conversation,” Nick Epley told hedge fund managers.
Many of the attendees flew here and had never met each other before.
Epley explained that they were conducting an experiment and asked each partner to exchange three specific questions.
“If you had a crystal ball in front of you that could tell you the future, would you look at it?” “What are you most grateful for in your daily life?” “Can you tell me a story about a time when you cried in front of someone?” Epley could have started slowly with a lighthearted question like, “Where did you go on vacation last time?”
In designing a quick way to become friends, the Aarons assumed that they should start with shallow questions.
--- p.138

Now NASA needed someone who could control their emotions, be sensitive to the feelings of others, and be open with their colleagues even in the high-stress situations of being confined in a confined space hundreds of kilometers from Earth.
McGuire joined NASA in the wake of the debacle of the Apollo 7 mission and has spent the past 20 years screening astronaut candidates, looking for clues about who might be prone to depression or belligerence.
But now, as space missions become longer, the conditions have become much more demanding.
NASA needed to find astronauts who not only had no psychological weaknesses, but were, in fact, vulnerable.
A person with high emotional intelligence who can endure the tension, boredom, arguments, and anxiety that come with living in a vacuum-like space for months at a time, and get along well with colleagues.
But McGuire knew how difficult it would be to select a candidate with such qualities.
--- pp.152-153

There is no one right way to get closer to others.
There are many techniques to make conversation easier and less awkward.
There are also tips to help you better understand your partner and hear what they are trying to say.
These conversation strategies can be more or less effective depending on the circumstances, the type of conversation you're having, and the type of relationship you want to have.
Sometimes you get there, sometimes you don't.
But what's important is that you 'want' to get closer, that you 'want' to understand, and that you 'want' to have deep conversations.
Even if it's difficult and scary, even if it's easier to just turn around and leave.
The technology and foresight to satisfy the connection we crave certainly exist.
They are worth learning, practicing, and implementing.
Whether you call it love, friendship, or just a quick, pleasant conversation, having genuine, meaningful relationships is the most important thing in life.

--- p.319