Han Seong-hee, author of the 200,000-copy bestseller, “Psychology Letters to My Daughter,”

38 Things I Say to My Daughter Who Wants to Live a Life Without Regrets



The author, a psychiatrist who has cared for patients with mental illness for 43 years and a mother of a daughter, published “Psychology Letters to My Daughter” in 2013, which resonated with 200,000 readers.
My daughter, who went to study abroad in the US, found a job there, met her boyfriend, and got married, is still staying in the US.
It's already been 15 years since we lived apart, and the author was surprised when he went to the United States last year to celebrate his daughter's birthday.
The daughter who had always seemed young to him was already forty years old.



People often get anxious at the age of forty, thinking that this might be their last chance to take on new challenges.
I feel anxious because I feel like my life will pass by in vain if I just act haphazardly.
Besides, the world is pressing us to see what we have achieved so far in getting to that age.
As a result, most forty-year-olds who live hard every day end up feeling inferior rather than proud of themselves.
Maybe that's why.
Although I assumed my daughter would naturally take care of herself, I kept worrying.
I was worried that he might be suffering alone because he had a lot of worries and didn't want to worry his parents.
So, in between treating patients, I started writing letters to my daughter.
Because if my daughter is going through the growing pains of turning forty, I have things to say about it as a mother and as a psychoanalyst, and I wanted to tell her those things before it was too late.
The author says:
“Daughter, the first thing you need to take care of is yourself.
“No matter what others say, just live your life doing what you want to do….”

Her goal was never to be a mother like her own mother.
She pledged to become a mother who loves her child just as he is.
But when my child actually entered elementary school, I found myself worrying and controlling too much.
He kept pushing his child to the academy and scolding him for his absent-minded behavior.
He was doing exactly what his mother had done that he hated so much that it made his teeth chatter.
I asked her.
What do you really want to tell your child?
After thinking for a while, she said.
“Um… I want to say this.
It doesn't have to be anything.
It doesn't have to be anything.
“You are just lovely the way you are.” And then he cried for a long time.
She knew.
That's what I wanted to say to my child, and what I wanted to hear throughout my life.
Daughter, did I tell you enough? Listening to her words filled me with so much regret.
I should have supported you more, I should have told you to just live your life doing what you want to do, no matter what others say…
My heart ached because I thought I might have unknowingly burdened you by looking at you with the world's standards.

--- From the "Prologue"

Now that I'm this old, I've become someone who isn't surprised by most things.
Perhaps this courage was developed during my 30s and 40s, when I was swept up in all kinds of responsibilities and obligations.
Those were the days when accidents and incidents occurred almost every day, when life's highs and lows existed simultaneously, when it was so difficult but also so happy, when the spectrum of life exploded and life was at its richest, I now realize.
So, daughter, even though it's difficult, I hope you always remember that you are going through such a difficult time.
Also, those days will pass someday.
It means that those who boarded the ship of your life and made demands on you will soon get off the ship and go their separate ways.
So, don't try too hard to do well in every role, but just endure it with confidence, thinking, 'I can do this much because I'm the one who does it.'
And I guarantee you, responsibility and duty will never break you.
Rather, it makes you bigger and stronger.
You may feel lost right now, but you are growing into a bigger and stronger person.
So don't be too afraid and be a proud captain of your ship.
Become an adult with a broad heart who is willing to embrace others.

--- From "If you feel resentful and ask, 'Why do I have to be the only one to make the sacrifice?'"

A stable life and a life where dreams come true are both important.
But it gives me peace to know that there are happinesses like ice cream cones that I can enjoy without having to work for them.
Even if you are anxious, have nothing, and aren't doing anything great, the fact that everyone is alive and can confidently enjoy the joys here and now.
Isn't that the Maginot Line that protects our lives from anxiety and chaos?
When I think about it, I think the reason I was able to move forward without getting tired even though I was living a hectic life every day of my forties was because I didn't miss out on the small joys that exist in the world.
The stories you chatter about after work, the chatter we have after lunch with colleagues, the sun beating down on me when I take a walk… the little moments hidden in our busy daily lives.
If I could go back to that time, I would want to find all that hidden happiness and enjoy it to the fullest.

--- From "Forty, Why Are Our Lives Still Shaky?"

Daughter, there is no such thing as success and happiness that applies to everyone in this world.
The success of others that may seem great on the outside is not necessarily the success that suits you.
As we reach our forties, each person's life experiences are different, and so are their standards for success and happiness.
So, stop doubting whether the happiness you feel is right or wrong.
If you are strongly drawn to it and can't give up even when others try to dissuade you, it's okay to give it a try.
What does it matter how old you are?
It may seem like a strange choice at first, but those choices accumulate and become your own story.
I think the most unattractive person in the world is someone who doesn't have a story of their own.
So, I hope you will have the courage to make your own choices.
If people around you keep trying to stop you, think this way.
Other people's success and happiness are just theirs, and I will just move forward towards my own success and happiness.

--- From "What People Who Say 'It's Too Late' Have in Common"

When you get tired of the repetitive, busy daily life, you tend to think like this.
'Ah, so this is life.
I guess I'll continue to live like this.' There's nothing new.
It's just a variation of something that's already been done or done.
Whatever I eat tastes similar, and whoever I meet, it's the same story.
If you do that, everything will become dull.
It moves mechanically.
The only thing that comes to mind is boredom, and I only remember the fun times of the past.
In this way, we become trapped in the shackles of past memories, habits, and life.
But boredom is never a matter of age.
I've tried everything, so it's not like anything isn't fun.
Because of the stereotype that there is nothing new, nothing is new, and it is boring to try to live the present life in the same way as before.
And this is just a question of attitude towards life.
Daughter, do you know what people regret most when they turn sixty? It's not living a more adventurous life.
At forty, I decided I was too old and lived a life filled with responsibilities and duties, as if someone had told me to.
I thought the time of freedom was over and I lived in a passive and defensive attitude.
Then, when I turned sixty, I finally realized how young forty was.

--- From "The Biggest Regret of Turning Sixty"

My brother-in-law said that he had a lot to think about after the accident.
Why did this misfortune come upon me? How am I supposed to live when my children are still young?
But at some point, I realized that those very thoughts were what was causing me misery.
The expectation that living a healthy, wealthy, and happy life is a given.
Because of that expectation, reality becomes shabby and inadequate.
My brother-in-law added one last word.
“Don’t expect too much from life.
Then now is the time to be unhappy.” Maybe we expect too much from life.
But the more I live, the more I realize something.
The world is not that grand, and life is not that special.
There is no reason why life has to be fancy and glamorous.
Rather, life is something that is sloppy and empty.

--- From “Don’t expect too much from life, or you’ll be unhappy.”

As I approached forty, my daily life seemed outwardly normal.
I was doing well at the hospital, my child had grown up and was starting to need less attention, and my relationship with my wife was also good.
In many ways, my life was stable, and it seemed like it would continue on without any major twists and turns.
But strangely, my heart was not at ease.
It felt like water was stuck in a puddle and I couldn't move forward, as if my mind was telling me to flow, to move forward.
But my reality was that I was bound by my responsibilities as a mother and wife, making it difficult to move forward even an inch.
At the time, giving up my stable life and taking on a new challenge meant throwing myself into the risk of uncertainty.
But looking back, life has embraced me and those around me with such amazing resilience and tolerance that all the reasons that tried to stop me have become meaningless.
Thanks to this, after returning from a year of training in the US, I found a new balance and my perspective on the world broadened a little.
Perhaps many of the things we worry about when faced with a choice are largely overrated.
Because fear is not real, it is actually an illusion created by my anxiety.

--- From "Why Haruki Murakami Suddenly Left Before He Turned Forty"

Mom's time is usually used as a public good at home.
When mom says she's resting, the kids start thinking about playing with her.
Parents who take care of their children also want to take a day off, and husbands also want to ask their children to do household chores that can only be done on weekdays.
At some point, it becomes a natural principle that Mom's Time is used by the family together.
But your time is yours alone.
And if you don't say that what you have is yours, your family and coworkers won't know it's yours.
They try to use your time as if it were theirs.
It's not because I have any malicious intent.
I take that for granted.
So, even if it makes you feel a little uncomfortable, spend your time doing what you want to do.
In particular, time alone should not be compromised.
Only by taking time to be alone and look within yourself can you do what you want and love well.

--- From "Don't be sorry about having 'time alone'"

I hope you can put aside your worries about your child, let go of the burden of being a "good parent," and just enjoy the joy of raising your child.
Rather than being oppressed by the illusion of being a 'perfect parent,' I hope you can decide that it's enough to just be your own mother.
These days, there are no parents who do not love their children, and it is rare to find one who is ignorant of parenting knowledge.
So, I hope you encourage yourself that you are doing well enough and enjoy the time you spend with your child.
Even as middle school students, children want to spend time with their friends rather than with their parents.
At that time, even if you want to be with your child, you won't be able to.
This means that there is not much time left to make memories with your child.
So, let's each be proud of our own role as mothers.
Let's break free from the shackles of guilt and be proud of ourselves as parents.
There is no such thing as a 'good mother' in the world.
Every parent is great in their own way.

--- From "The fact that time spent with children is decreasing"

Hatred is a hot emotion and an energy-intensive labor.
Anyone who has ever hated someone will know.
How much time and energy is wasted hating the opponent and cursing his every move.
After that, you will have no strength left to live your own life.
Hatred burns both the other person and me.
Unfortunately, there is no such thing as hatred that only burns the other person.
So, even if it's difficult, you have to believe that the best revenge is to distract the other person.
There is a passage from the great German writer Hermann Hesse that goes like this:
“If you hate someone, you hate a part of yourself in that person.
Because things that are not part of us never confuse us.” We often think that we hate the other person because he or she has done something wrong, but in fact, it is more often the case that we hate him or her because we are blaming him or her for our own unprocessed emotions and desires.
People who are anxious about their inner aggression exploding will accuse others of being aggressive even if they raise their voice slightly.
People who are very anxious about vulnerability will get angry when others show weakness and say, “You’re so weak.”
They vent their anger on the other person, but in reality they are punishing their own repressed desires through the other person.
Therefore, by recognizing the small sparks that repeatedly trigger conflicts by overreacting, you can avoid distorting the other person's words.
At least if you knew that I was wearing colored glasses, the relationship could be different.
Just knowing that the reason I hate him isn't entirely his fault makes me less likely to get angry and hate him unnecessarily.

--- From "If you still can't stand hating someone"

Forty is a good age to find something you want to do and take on the challenge.
On the other hand, reality is full of things that need to be done right away.
So, in order to invest limited energy in what you want to do, you need to rewrite your life's flow chart so that you can prioritize important tasks by weighing their importance.
This is what is called 'life pruning'.
As I approach my forties, I also tried pruning my life.
First, I distinguished between ‘things that only I can do’ and ‘things that can be done without me.’
Then, I was surprised to find that there were many more things that 'would go well even without me' than I thought.
The reason we have a hard time refusing things and take on everything is because of the fear that 'it has to be me.'
But if you look closely, things go well even without me.
Even if I leave, the meeting will continue well, and even if I leave, there will be no major problems for the company.
In the end, hundreds of things that don't matter to anyone are taking up my precious time and energy.
So, let's put aside our excessive worries and start by organizing things that are going well even without us, and use that time to do what we want to do.
But the world still turns around without any problems.

--- From "Why Things Started at Forty Are More Likely to Succeed"

There is no one perfect in this world.
Every human being has his or her own limitations and shortcomings.
So you can't expect anyone to be 100 percent perfect.
Since a perfect being is impossible in reality, wouldn't God exist?
In my experience, if a person's good qualities exceed 60 percent, he or she is worthy of respect.
And everyone needs to make an effort to see the good rather than the bad.
Only then can we avoid losing the object of our respect.
Having someone I can trust and follow is good for me more than anything else.
When you have someone you respect, you try to be like them.
And we can live in peace again.
Because it means that there is someone you can lean on and rest for a moment when you are having a hard time and are confused.
So, if someone has more strengths than weaknesses, and has as much insight as flaws, why not protect him from your heart?
Don't ruin a precious relationship by focusing on the bad points, but rather look at the good points.
Because we are all flawed people, our relationships are also weak and fragile.
This is especially true for people who met through work.
I believe that what makes such a relationship strong is lowering your standards a little, closing one eye, and trusting.

--- From "The Smartest Way to Win People"