A conversation with Han Seung-hye, author of "I'll Read It Once" and "Affectionate Indifference," about 29 novels she encountered in the corners of life, or a confession of her intimate love for novels.

This book is a unique reading experience essay that borrows the format of a book review collection to express the joys and sorrows of reading novels and to depict the author's life trajectory, which, though slow, gradually grew through novels.
Just as finding a soulmate that fits you well requires a lot of trial and error, the same goes for novels.
To find the right novel for you, you need to learn how to explore it and find enjoyment in it.
The author shares his own experiences and guides readers into the world of novels, small stories that are yet perfect for each individual, stories that must be encountered at least once in life.

The dawn air was cold and the darkness all around was frightening, but the thought that I couldn't bear the noise any longer paralyzed my fear.
Then, when it was finally the turn of the house right above ours, a faint sound of a musical instrument was heard through the front door, accompanied by a slight vibration.
At the same time, a smile naturally appeared on my lips, and a strange excitement and joy came over me.
Got you, you punk!

That was when.
Suddenly, the metal front door that was right next to my ear felt surprisingly cold, and I felt unfamiliar with myself.
(Omitted) After returning home that night, I tried to sleep while suppressing my fear.
It wasn't a fear of noise, but a fear of myself possibly changing strangely because of the noise.

--- p.25~26

I felt it then.
They don't know.
You don't know anything.
You really don't know.
We live in a completely different world.
(Omitted) At that time, I felt jealousy before I felt anger toward those who did not believe my story and criticized what I wrote.
About the fact that I have never experienced anything like that in my entire life.
They don't know.
I was jealous of the thought that I would never know or want to know the feeling of being scared by the sound of footsteps following me on the street at night, or being unable to put my phone down until I got out of a taxi with dark tint, or being suspicious when a stranger speaks to me, or the hair-raising sensation of a stranger touching me on the subway or bus.
I felt so jealous that I couldn't stand it.

--- p.32~33

How to get used to wearing a mask at all times, paying attention to personal hygiene, avoiding crowded places as much as possible, staying home as much as possible, living in constant anxiety about what the future holds, and feeling despair every time we see the vulnerable people in society collapsing amidst the pandemic.

Washing your hands frequently is a good thing, masks now feel almost like a part of your clothing, and even though 'a life where you have to avoid people' is difficult now, there may come a day when you can somehow adapt to it.
But I had no idea what to do about the latter two.
How can one become accustomed to despair and anxiety?
But as I learned from Count Rostov while reading A Gentleman in Moscow, the first thing to do is to do what you can.

--- p.64~65

And it is precisely because of this point that I believe that for women struggling with heterosexuality and emotional connection with men, this novel might be a useful guide, rather than a flimsy dating guide or a "how-to" book that promises to teach them how to win a man's heart.
This is because a character appears who seeks to satisfy his need for recognition from others rather than focusing on his own inner self, and ends up broken, abandoned, and broken, but still unable to let go of his attachment.
It's a novel that makes you aware of reality, so to speak.

--- p.106

Because nothing will change even if I go back home.
Because you can't make money, no one recognizes you, and you don't even get a sense of 'usefulness' that you're useful.
Come to think of it, the main character of the movie “Park Hwa-young”, Park Hwa-young, also repeated the words as if reciting a spell while being constantly exploited by those around her.
“What would you have done without me?” he said.
Even though I knew I was being used, I wanted to be useful.

In this way, the re-opened "Lover" read to me as a story about how vulnerable a girl's sexuality is rather than a love story.
A girl has so few avenues to find her own sense of utility that sometimes she mistakes her desire for utility or power for love.

--- p.124~125

Yet, whenever I look at my children, I can't help but feel anxious and uneasy.
Children in lower elementary school and preschool, respectively, have not yet been fully exposed to the world of violence, but they will inevitably face such a world as they grow older.
A world I know all too well, having already experienced it.
And then I imagine.
What can I do to help my children if they become victims or perpetrators of such violence?
Then suddenly a creepy thought crosses my mind.
If that time really comes, will I be able to help my children? Or even realize that they're in that situation?
--- p.138

Nevertheless, I think my experience with J changed me a little bit.
Once you have that experience, you change in some way.
As a result, I have received the same unconditional love as I did from J, though it is rare, on a few occasions since then.
Meeting such a being is an incredibly precious experience in life.
Even though most people act in pursuit of their own interests, and even though they smile on the outside but internally evaluate and judge others, and even though this is an inevitable human characteristic, it is important to realize that there are people who do not act in this way.
Meeting that one being.
The one person who loves me unwaveringly no matter what the situation.

--- p.177~178

In the novel, Tae-hee, now an adult, vows, “I will cry again, but I will never cry for the same reason.”
But perhaps in the not-too-distant future, my future self will cry again, and unlike Tae-hee's determination in the novel, there is a high probability that my future self will be crying for the same reasons as my present self.
Nevertheless, after reading this novel, I promise myself that even if I forget this fact in the future, I will not regret it for a moment or blame my past self.
Because my future self will be a different person from my past self and my present self, yet the same person, and someone I still dream of becoming.
Anyway, since I can't help but be myself no matter what, I will find the courage to live as myself tomorrow as I am today.

--- p.187

Reading the novel at this point is truly sad.
Reality always surpasses fiction.
As you read a novel, you encounter many points of contact with reality, and in the process, you come to understand reality, and you experience forgiveness and acceptance of many things. However, you also feel a solid wall that you cannot overcome, and you experience the painful realization of your limitations as a human being.
Just like now after reading "Eileen".
Of course, this too has its own meaning in that it forces me to face my own hypocrisy and true nature.

--- p.207

I haven't lived very long, and perhaps that's why I doubt human goodness, but I still hold onto the hope that there's still a last bit of 'humanity' in humans.
That is why, whenever I am overcome with disillusionment and disgust, I try not to lose my love for humanity.
Some people might think I'm naive and foolish.
But even if retraining a dog that has been mistrained is a waste of time, and even if the process involves hurt, betrayal, and suffering, I believe it is at least in the best interest of all of us.
That is the only way we believe things will 'not get any worse'.

--- p.217

In that sense, the humanity that humans possess is like water.
Its appearance changes depending on the vessel it is placed in, and it is easy to become contaminated but difficult to purify.
Of course, there are always noble people who maintain their dignity even in difficult and hard times.
I also believe that there exists a last bastion of humanity that evil cannot destroy.
However, apart from believing in the goodness of human beings, it is very important to know how evil humans can become.
That's why reading novels and stories seems important.
To understand humans, to see how evil they can become, and so to avoid becoming evil.
--- p.226

But now I think I have a vague idea.
About the heart that is willing to risk everything for a certain love.
Even if it means going through all the pain you've experienced so far again, there are times in this world when you have no choice but to do so.
Just as I, having given birth to and raised two children, can no longer return to the person I was before giving birth to and raising children, or as if I cannot choose not to have children knowing all this.
There are cases like that in this world.

--- p.254

Can we love something as a 'substitute' for something else? No, that's impossible.
We can always love something new.
But nothing can 'replace' anything else.
When you receive love from someone, a 'heart' is created around that love, and it is that heart that makes the object unique.
In that case, even machines cannot replace other machines.
--- p.274

Maybe that's what true love is.
Loving even though you know everything.
It's easy to love when you don't really know.
Because I only see good things.
(Omitted) It cannot be truly called love to only look at the good things that are outwardly apparent and harbor good feelings while ignoring the flaws.
Isn't true love not losing your loving heart despite everything?
Loving even though you know everything.
If God exists, his feelings toward humans would not be much different from this.

--- p.283~284

Sometimes I don't know why I'm living.
It's not that I'm experiencing any great misfortune, but it's just that there are moments when I don't know why all living things in the world, including humans, were born and why they exist.
Countless things are born without meaning, exist without meaning, and then die without meaning. Some lives would have been more comfortable and happier if they had never been born.
If you keep seeing things like that, you will start to think that life itself is fleeting and meaningless.
Still, when I encounter moments like this, I feel fortunate to be alive.
I think that I have lived and will continue to live for moments like these.

--- p.303