The result of 25 years of research by a Harvard Medical School professor and world-renowned authority on empathy!
'If I had realized it sooner, my brother wouldn't have died!'

Arthur P.
Dr. Ciaramicoli is a renowned psychologist and professor of clinical psychology at Harvard Medical School who has spent his life studying empathy.
After his brother's suicide, he was overcome with guilt and began to wonder what his brother might need when he was most desperate, and what he realized was his own lack of empathy.
After focusing on empathy research for the next 25 years, the author became a leading global authority on empathy.
This book is filled with his innovative practices and human reflections as he explores ways to heal suffering and soothe the soul, hoping that others will not have to realize it too late as he did.

As a clinician, I work with a diverse range of people struggling and struggling to find a way out of despair.
But the biggest reason I am qualified to write about empathy is because, like everyone else, I am a person who struggles and worries while trying to find the answer.
The most meaningful way to connect with others is to tell your story.
Because that's what we do in genuine relationships.
By telling stories and listening to them, we take the time to discover meaning and common threads within them.
These will give us direction and goals to pursue, and will shine a light in the darkness to reveal the path ahead.
I have discovered one absolute truth in my work and life.
Empathy is the light that illuminates the darkness of pain and fear, revealing the common ground we share as fellow human beings.

--- p.7

Empathy, used constructively for good, restores relationships and bridges deep, long-standing chasms between people.
Through my interactions with hundreds of patients, I have witnessed the power of empathy to build bridges of understanding.
I was amazed to see how empathy could unleash its power to relieve tension and simultaneously lead us to a deeper understanding of ourselves.
I now believe without a doubt that empathy, more than any other human ability, is the key to forming loving relationships and the antidote to the loneliness, fear, anxiety, and despair that plague so many lives.
Empathy is the bridge that spans the valley that divides us.
By empathy as our guide, we can expand our boundaries, enter unexplored territories, and open up horizons for deep and heartfelt relationships.
By expanding our self, we can instill vibrant energy and a sense of purpose into our inner lives.
You can also reach out to others and engage them in some of life's most meaningful experiences: gratitude, humility, patience, forgiveness, compassion, and love.

--- p.29

The reason I fell in love with him was, of course, because I wanted to save my younger brother.
I want to believe that if I could talk to David now, I could save him.
During the months when everyone was wondering what to do for David as his despair deepened and his drugs torn him apart, I could have taken action without delay.
I would call my brother every day, travel thousands of kilometers to see him, and tell him that I believed in him, that I loved him, and that nothing could stop me from helping him.
Another reason I'm drawn to empathy is because I hope it will help people avoid repeating my mistakes and avoid suffering similar to what my family endured.
And the last reason is to save me.
Empathy has healed me, taught me forgiveness, and given me renewed hope in life by forming and maintaining new relationships.
Empathy reminds me every day that my life has meaning, purpose, and direction.

--- p.47~48

Listening actually seems like an easy thing to do.
Wouldn't it be better to just stop talking and focus on what the other person is saying? But of all the empathy skills, listening requires the most intense concentration and attention.
Because there are so many things that can distract our attention.
Many people listen with one ear while the other person speaks, preparing what to say when it is their turn.
We listen to stories with bias and make judgments before we hear the whole story.
After empathizing with the other person's story and connecting everything you heard to your own personal experiences, you say things like, "I understand exactly what you mean" or "I know how you feel right now," without respecting the uniqueness of the other person's feelings and thoughts.
And eventually, we end up losing our attention to the noise of our own inner voice, judging and guessing.
Empathic listening involves giving up your egocentric perspective to fully engage with the other person's experience.
It is about focusing your attention not only on what the other person is saying, but also on their gestures, overall attitude, posture, and facial expressions.
When we listen with empathy, we make a conscious effort to let go of our own biases, avoid getting caught up in others' emotions, and learn to connect with them without getting too close or too far away.
We also learn to live with ambiguity and realize that we cannot have answers or solutions to every problem.

--- p.125

As children grow and realize that no matter how hard they try, they can't achieve everything or be the best in everything, empathy helps them understand their limitations and cope with the realistic disappointments that come with them.
Children who grow up surrounded by empathy can develop an inner voice of comfort.
A voice that assures us that we are still worthy of love even if we don't hit a home run to win the game or come in first in the popularity polls.
Conversely, children who grow up in an environment that lacks or lacks empathy are often told, 'You are enough.
You will develop a harsh inner voice that constantly repeats the message, 'You didn't do your best.'
This voice often leads children to self-destructive conclusions about their own shortcomings and, inevitably, that they are not good enough.

--- p.177

Popular radio host Paul Harvey recently told an anecdote about an elderly woman he saw at the grocery store checkout line.
She turned to the middle-aged man standing behind her and said that he looked very much like her son.
“Our son recently passed away,” the man said in condolences.
The old man hesitates for a moment and then asks if he can ask you to say goodbye as he leaves the store.
“Could you please shout, ‘Goodbye, Mom!’ in a loud, clear voice? I just want to hear it one last time,” she explained.
The man, moved by the old man's affectionate smile, decided to do so.
As she walked toward the exit and turned to face him, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mom!”
She waved and smiled brightly before leaving the store.
The man made small talk with the checkout clerk while she counted groceries like bread, cheese, milk, and cat food.
“It’s $126 total,” the clerk said cheerfully.
“I think there’s something wrong with the calculations,” the man said, still reeling from the pleasant sensations he’d felt from meeting the older woman.
“I only have one thing to pay for, this basket.”
“Didn’t he say anything?” asked the clerk.
“Who are you? And what do you mean?” the man answered, bewildered.
“Oh, my God, Mother.
“I heard your son will pay the bill.”
The man who had no doubts learned a very valuable and precious lesson about empathy.
The dark side of empathy sneaks up on you when you least expect it, and is spread by people who seem kind, caring, and considerate.

--- p.220~221

One of the difficult challenges we face in everyday life is learning to 'tolerate' each other.
It is clear that we 'need' each other.
In fact, there are dozens of psychological studies that clearly demonstrate that our physical and emotional health depends on loving, strong relationships.
Psychologists, neurologists, immunologists, and philosophers all seem to agree that there is a biological basis for our need for close, affectionate relationships.
I believe that our fundamental desire to connect with others is driven by empathy.
Empathy allows us to communicate and understand each other, and most importantly, it helps us learn to live together for our mental and physical health.
We are tolerant because we can empathize with each other.

--- p.341

If I had known the power of empathy back then, as I do now, would I have been able to save my brother? I think so.
If that had been the case, I could have directly asked David about his suicidal impulses when I spoke to him in Amsterdam the day I heard him say he would rather die than go to jail.
By asking, "Are you thinking about harming yourself? How far along are you?", you could gauge how vulnerable your brother is and how likely he is to harm himself.
When David told me he loved me, I could have told my brother that I loved him too, and I would have paid more attention to what he was saying than what I was saying.
I would have been empathetic to my brother instead of letting my emotions dictate my actions by making assumptions and guesses on my own.
How could I have lived knowing that these words and actions could have saved David's life? My only answer is that I lived with the knowledge.
I understand who I was and where I was in life at that time.
I also know that I did everything I could based on the knowledge and experience I had at the time.
Our parents also did their best.
And David… …David did his best in his own way.

--- p.423~424

This is how empathy works.
Not suddenly and loudly, but gradually, like the sun rising from a distant mountain, it brings enlightenment and spreads warmth contained in understanding and insight.
Empathy shines its light on our deepest needs and never lets us forget that our survival depends on understanding and responding sensitively to one another.
Empathy is our common language, giving voice to the deepest longings of our hearts and articulating the soul's anguished questions.
Through thoughtful action and communication, empathy becomes the invisible thread that connects human beings to human beings, neighbors to villages, communities to countries, and nations to the planet.
The world becomes a friendlier place through the connections created by empathy.
A sense of belonging replaces loneliness, strangers seem less strange, the need for defensiveness diminishes, and hope replaces despair.
Doubt gives way to faith, resentment fades, and our hearts, once closed by fear and pain, open again to the possibility of forgiveness.
This is the power and promise of empathy.

--- p.444~445