Conversation is something that reveals me
A person's character is ultimately revealed through the conversations they have with others.
We can choose our own conversational attitude in any situation.
You can create your own inner dignity, but at the same time you can also destroy your own dignity.
Learning to converse doesn't suddenly change your character one day.
It's not like someone suddenly starts listening to me, and it's not like someone who used to hate me suddenly starts liking me.
However, my perspective on others can change and my ability to understand them can grow.
You can find the courage to improve uncomfortable situations, and your skills and methods for continuing conversations can also change completely.
---From "Prologue, Relearning Conversation"

When things don't go as planned during a conversation, many people criticize the other person's character or even hate themselves, considering the conversation a failure.
So I think that we should either not leave room for the relationship to be restored or we should cut it off.
Or you blame yourself, blame yourself, and get depressed.
But if you think about it, how many times have I been so caught up in these thoughts that I've hated someone for a long time, even ended a relationship altogether, and then suffered regret or deep depression? In this book, I won't blame my failures in communication on my own personality.
Let's just leave it to our 'momentary thoughts'.
Let me make it clear that it is not the thoughts that I have been thinking about for a long time, but the thoughts that come to mind automatically without me knowing, that is, automatic thoughts, that lead to the failure of conversation.

---「Chapter 1.
From “Conversational Elements of Disconnection That Make Relationships Painful”

Expressing your automatic thoughts through conversation doesn't always result in arguments or discomfort with the other person.
However, if we go into conversation believing that our automatic thoughts are 'truth', we are more likely to live by familiar habits rather than by recognizing and expressing what we want.
Automatic thoughts that have become hardened as truths are carried over into conversations without any filtering, and even when conflicts arise in the process, situations may arise where the essence of the problem is not fully understood.
Thoughts tend to be expressed through conversation.
Because our thoughts have a great influence on our emotions and actions.
Our conversations change because our emotions and actions change depending on how we think.
The reason adults always tell us to think positively is probably because they want us to do good things and say good things.
However, in order to practice healthy conversation, it is important to 'train yourself to notice your thoughts', whether they are positive or negative, rather than trying to stop negative thoughts and think positive ones.
If we live our lives believing our automatic thoughts without questioning them, our emotions and actions will become unconscious and habitual, out of our control.

---「Chapter 1.
From “Conversational Elements of Disconnection That Make Relationships Painful”

Although there may be differences in degree, people each live with their own core beliefs.
Ironically, this uncomfortable and awkward fact can be the beginning of a change in our conversations.
'I have some core beliefs too.
The very thought that those beliefs could have severed my relationships with people and isolated my life was the starting point for change.
Only when we realize that we have been looking at the world, ourselves, others, and our future through the colored glasses of such beliefs will we be able to take them off and observe things as they really are with natural eyes.
In other words, the huge iceberg of core beliefs we have lived with can slowly melt away if we become aware of them.
Jeffrey Young said that we have core beliefs, but we also have an inner "healthy adult" who can handle them healthily.

---「Chapter 1.
From “Conversational Elements of Disconnection That Make Relationships Painful”

People who grew up in homes where it wasn't safe to express their feelings openly often end up suppressing or avoiding their feelings in inappropriate ways.
When you understand emotions well, it is easier to recover from distorted thoughts, which gives you the psychological space to listen to the other person properly.
This can lead to a fundamental power of understanding and acting on what each other wants.
In other words, people who can delicately understand their own emotions can manage their emotions in a healthy way and communicate their position better in relationships with others, which allows them to have satisfying interpersonal relationships.
In other words, the beginning of restoring this relationship is to delicately understand my feelings.

---「Chapter 2.
From “Conversational Elements of Connection That Make Relationships Happy”

I think another way of saying that we have never experienced complete acceptance is that we have never been fully listened to.
When I go through trauma counseling or conversation practice, there are days when I, too, find it difficult to hear what the other person is saying in my ears and heart.
On days like that, strangely enough, the other person also senses my feelings.
He checks my mood and sometimes stops and asks if I'm okay.
However, on days when I listen carefully to what the other person is saying and try to understand their feelings, the other person expresses deep gratitude just for my effort.
It didn't really solve anything.
Of course, just listening quietly won't solve all of your worries and real-world problems.
But when we recall the experience of feeling uneasy even after many everyday issues were eventually resolved, we realize that problem resolution and peace of mind are not always directly proportional.

---「Chapter 3.
From "Listening Practice: Responding to What the Other Person Says"