If only I could save my son
The love of a thornfish father who is willing to give up his body

What does a father's love look like? A mother's love has been depicted countless times, and it undoubtedly evokes empathy.
But it is difficult to express what a father's love looks like.
This book helps us measure a father's love.
A sublime, self-sacrificing love that is hidden deep within, but not revealed in its true form.
That is why it is a father's love that is sadder and more beautiful.


The father squid takes care of his young in place of the mother squid who lays eggs and leaves, and eventually even gives up his own body.
The main character, Jeong Ho-yeon, is such a thorny father.
My son, who was my whole life, was diagnosed with leukemia.
Besides, without a bone marrow transplant, there is no more hope.
What is best for my son?
The book contains the sublime love of a thornfish father who would willingly sacrifice his body to save his son.

I have leukemia.
Dad didn't tell me what the illness was.
Not even once.
It's obvious that it will be like that in the future too.
Our ward is full of patients with leukemia and its cousin, aplastic anemia.
Even if you don't want to know, you will find out on your own.
You know how terrible a disease leukemia is.
I'm on the short side.
During the two years I had leukemia, other children grew up quickly, but I stayed the same.
Leukemia has nailed my height to a wooden post.
Also, leukemia is like a grumpy Tom cat.
I'm like Jerry the Rat.
Like Tom the cat, he persistently chases me no matter how much I run away, making my life miserable.

--- p.13

The child arched his back backwards, and the afternoon sunlight splashed on his urine as if he were startled.
Have you ever urinated while standing next to a child?
Even if it's your first time, what's so great about it?
But he looked at the child's urine, overcome with an emotion that was difficult to describe.
“I was scared.”
“Are you afraid people will see?”
"no.
“I’m afraid the dragonflies will bite the peppers.”
At the sound of the child's cheerful laughter, he finally felt the thick layer of fear and despair in his chest lift away.
It was a good thing I left.
Well done.
If the child had been hospitalized, he would not have been able to laugh out loud until the very end.

--- p.132

Could it all have been an illusion?
Was it a fleeting mirage, the last dazzling flash of a dying candle, or perhaps a cheap consolation or final pity from the judge of fate?
Could it have been the disastrous result of my father's excessive desire?

He stood with his back against the wall, staring at the locked iron door of the intensive care unit.
It was right after I admitted my child to the intensive care unit after going through the emergency room at the hospital I had sworn I would never go back to.
It had been exactly 36 days since I left the hospital.
That was all there was to it.

--- p.166

"What kind of person are you? How could you let a child end up like this?"
My mouth is watering.
Gulp, gulp, I swallow and wait for my father to speak.
I thought Dad would get angry this time.
Look straight at your mom and say this.
My dad just looks at me with blank eyes.
Oh, a sigh escapes my lips.
Why is it Dad's fault that I'm sick? It's frustrating.
I don't know what to do if Dad just sits there and acts like it's his fault.

--- p.197

It was a few days before I was transferred from the pediatric ward to the transplant center.
That day, my mother said.
My dad said he can't afford the hospital bills anymore.
I also noticed that my father was broke.
But I thought there was no need for my mother to say such things on purpose, nor should she.
Dad never said anything bad about Mom.
Even when I complained, my mom told me to understand, saying that she had her own circumstances.
I glared at my mom.
On behalf of my father, keep going, keep going.

“Don’t worry about anything.
“There’s this mom.”
Mom said something else.
She's a mother who always thinks only of what's convenient for her.

“Let’s go to France.
From now on, Mom will take care of Daum.”
I couldn't even look at it anymore.
“What about Dad?”
“I told you, your father is broke.”
--- p.257

Living is also about facing pain.
embrace.
I know.
But that doesn't mean that pain will come in droves.
If it is a pain that must be faced no matter what, then it is right to at least keep to the order.
If death is the end of suffering, at least one of them must be resolved.
Death was already so close that it seemed like I could reach out and grab it.
It's been like this ever since the child started fighting the illness.
It was a life where I had no choice but to accompany my child on his precarious journey.
But not now.
Hope surrounds the child.
The child is being revived in the name of hope.
For the first time in a long time, he was faced with a clear reason to live.
However, he said he would die regardless of the child.
I was always sad and scared that my child would leave me behind and go off alone.
Now he has to leave the child behind and go alone.

--- p.268

“The hardest thing to endure during that time was, funnily enough, cutting my child’s fingernails.
Every time I cut my nails, I thought to myself,
As the fingernails grow, the days allowed for the child have decreased.
“Your fingernails keep growing like this, but you keep dying.”
--- p.296

The only person I love in this world is my dad, and the only person my dad loves is me.
It was my father who said that people who love each other should stay together forever.
Why did I forget something so important?
What will happen to my dad if I disappear?
Will it be as refreshing as Dad said?
I keep thinking about thornback whale.
I'm talking about the father thornfish who died with his head stuck in a crevice between rocks after the baby thornfish left.
If I disappear, Dad will be sad and sad again, and he might really become like a thorn in my side.
If I were to follow Mom, I hope Dad would be just a little sad.
Because we will meet again someday.

--- p.333

Son, you've been in so much pain lately.
Dad didn't know.
If you were sick, I only knew that you were sick, but I didn't know how deep the pain was.
My son, you have spent so many days in such great pain.
My son, how did you manage to climb those high mountains of suffering with your frail body?
Son, I'm sorry.
Dad didn't know.
When you were sick, I just wanted to do it for you, but even that feeling was infinitely pathetic in front of the pain you must have endured.

--- p.341