"Please let me be frustrated."
Life Wisdom for Parents and Children in an Age of Overattachment

Professor Kim Kyung-il, a cognitive psychologist, and
Dr. Han-Wook Ryu, a pediatric psychiatrist, tells us:
A clear insight into the psychological immaturity of our time.

The psychology textbook "Appropriate Frustration," written by Dr. Ryu Han-wook, who has been working with children and their parents in a pediatric psychiatry clinic for 20 years, and Professor Kim Kyung-il, a cognitive psychologist who has explored the structure of human psychology, has been published.
Children who are good at studying but don't have a specific path they want to take and follow the path their mothers set for them, adults who are overly concerned about what others think or get angry easily...
A psychiatrist who has observed the growth process of children and a psychologist who has studied the psychology of adults have identified this as the most fundamental concept that can solve the problems of our current society.
It is the ‘absence of appropriate frustration’ and ‘failure of separation and independence.’
The authors argue that Korean society is currently experiencing excessive control and intervention, packaged in the language of attachment, which is causing children to grow up into seemingly well-off but empty adults, unable to explore their own desires, design their own lives, or learn to manage their emotions. They diagnose that the psychological background to this lies in the failure of the separation-independence process.

This book also analyzes that South Korea's overheated private education system is also a psychological structure in which parents view their children as objects to be controlled rather than as independent beings.
The growing phenomenon of narcissism and the problem of adults avoiding responsibility or exploding emotionally in relationships are also explained as problems derived from this failure of separation and independence.
“Appropriate Frustration” goes beyond simply pointing out the problem.
Based on real-world counseling and research, it conveys what we are missing in life and what choices we can make now as parents, individuals, and members of society in a warm yet solid language that is easy to understand.
This book is a practical manual for psychological independence that we all need in this age of excessive attachment.

Children who are emotionally obese are born to over-attached parents.
Over-attachment refers to the attitude of parents or guardians who excessively intervene or protect their children. A representative example is interfering with or making decisions on behalf of the child's behavior, emotions, and choices.
However, the number of parents who show excessive attachment to their children due to their excessive love for them is increasing, and as a result, the number of children who are emotionally obese is also increasing.
These days, parents have to set boundaries of what they don't allow and what they don't accept, but they try to provide unlimited nutrients.
When the emotional nutrition provision, which should have already stopped at a developmental stage, continues until too late, the child becomes emotionally obese and is less and less able to become independent as an individual.
The problem is that over-attachment can be a factor that prevents us from experiencing “optimal frustration.”
--- p.29~30

In the past, when our country was going through economic difficulties and the concept of child-rearing was not fully established, it was not easy for newborns to receive focused attention from their parents and form a good relationship with them until they were 6 to 10 months old.
There was a time when South Korea had the highest infant mortality rate in the world.
So at that time, basic survival and care were considered the core tasks of parenting.
Because of this, a parenting method that emphasized the 'close relationship between child and parent' that was lacking at the time emerged and became very popular.
But now, with economic conditions improving and birth rates declining, parents have significantly increased the amount of attention and resources they can devote to each child.
Accordingly, a more important part of parenting is shifting to the post-symbiotic stage, that is, the 'separation-independence process'.
Parenting has now become more than just caring for and protecting children; it's become increasingly important to provide a psychological foundation that helps children develop their own identities and function autonomously.
Parents must act as emotional coordinators who help their children develop the internal resources necessary for them to grow into independent beings, such as emotional regulation, stress coping skills, and self-efficacy.
--- p.47~48

So, the core message I'm really trying to get across is this.
I gave a long explanation before to say this.
For adolescence to be a healthy stage, the preceding stage, separation and independence, must proceed steadily.
That is, it is essential to achieve appropriate independence in one's relationship with one's parents and maintain a balanced relationship with one another.
The stable relationship with parents that is formed after going through the separation-independence process is not simply an emotional bond, but becomes established as a psychological representation within the child.
This process is called 'internalization'.
Simply put, the child accepts the model of the relationship with the parents in his or her mind, thinking, 'Ah, so this is what a relationship is like.'
When a stable relationship with parents is internalized in this way, children in their teens naturally develop plans and hopes for the future.
“What kind of life do I want to live in the future?”
“What kind of job should I have?”
“What kind of environment will we live in?”
With these concerns, the child gradually begins to explore the outside world to shape his or her future.
In other words, the more prepared a child is to become psychologically independent from his or her parents, the more actively he or she plans his or her future and develops the strength to move into adulthood through various experiences.
The core of adolescence can be said to be the process of preparing for the future while becoming psychologically independent from parents and receiving internal support from them.
--- p.59~60

This also ties in with the concept of 'forming intrinsic motivation' in psychology.
In other words, people behave more carefully and responsibly when given autonomy and responsibility rather than coercive regulations.
This principle can also be applied to raising children.
When parents give their children appropriate freedom and responsibility instead of controlling their every action, the child gradually begins to consider the consequences of his or her actions.
On the other hand, if parents constantly set restrictions and monitor their children, they will start to think, 'My parents will figure it out somehow.'
But the moment a child realizes that responsibility lies entirely with him, he gains the power to control his own behavior.
There is a line that many parents say when they get angry.

“At your age, you should know how to do this on your own! Why does your mom have to do it for you again?”
Who is responsible for "doing things on their own" at this point? If parents constantly check and confirm what they need to do, the child may think, "Oh, Mom and Dad are still trying to solve my problems."
The important question is, 'Who is responsible in this situation?'
Because mom is currently in charge, she becomes anxious, angry, and impatient.
We need to make our children responsible and realize that they have to solve this problem themselves.
Then your mom won't be upset.
From the child's perspective, if the mother does not get angry in a situation where she would normally get angry, only then will the child begin to reflect on the situation on his or her own.
From the moment the fence is removed, the child is responsible for his or her own actions.
--- p.136~137

Professor Eddie Brummelman of the University of Amsterdam in the Netherlands, who attracted the attention of the academic world with an interesting study that found that excessive parental praise causes children to become narcissistic, argued that when children frequently hear comparative praise such as “You are better than others,” they feel pressured to put others down in order to maintain their own superiority.
On the other hand, when someone receives recognition that focuses on their unique strengths, such as saying, “I really like this about you,” they learn the value of collaborating and working together rather than competing with others.
This difference is not simply a matter of expression.
When compliments are repeated based on comparison, an atmosphere is created where people have to push each other away to survive.
A culture that respects unique values ​​must be established to build trust and cooperation among people.
A community that recognizes these differences will not tear each other down, but will move forward together.
--- p.198~199


When people can support themselves, they can be much warmer to others.
According to research by positive psychologist Christopher Peterson, people who accept themselves as they are tend to be more tolerant of others' mistakes and less easily shaken by conflict.
If I can tell myself, “That’s okay,” then I can smile and say, “That could be true.”
Ultimately, we can see that a good relationship begins with 'a feeling that I am okay with myself.'
Even people who, as children, were unable to properly handle frustration and reacted unstably in relationships can regain control of their emotions and become psychologically independent adults by practicing reflecting on and regulating their emotions as adults.
Instead of attacking others for feeling bad or blaming others for your feelings, try to understand those feelings yourself.
This awareness ultimately creates a balance between self-respect and respect for others.


If your self-esteem is too high, it can easily lead to narcissism, and on the other hand, if you respect others too much, you can easily sacrifice yourself.
A truly healthy and happy relationship is only possible when these two stand side by side without harming each other.
A happy human relationship is not something that ends once it is completed, but rather a process of continuous adjustment.
You may become close and then drift apart, or misunderstandings may arise and then you come to understand each other again.
Reducing relational aggression, reducing rejection sensitivity, building resilience, avoiding self-sacrifice, and relating like a true adult doesn't begin with grand changes, but rather with noticing and noticing the small emotions that arise within you.
As this awareness accumulates, we will be able to live with others, but as our own selves, unswayed by them.

--- p.270~271