Does saying “good job” dampen a child’s motivation?
Does the phrase “I can do it” lower a child’s self-esteem?
Professor Kim Young-hoon of Yonsei University says
How to Motivate Your Child with Appropriate Praise and Reprimand

There are things that parents often consider common sense when disciplining their children.
A prime example is the belief that children can be encouraged and motivated through praise, positive thinking, and rewards.
Actively praise your child for even the smallest accomplishments and build their confidence. Encourage them to keep trying by instilling a positive attitude that they can do even seemingly impossible tasks. Reward them for good work and encourage them to work harder.
But are these things we believe to be common sense really effective in disciplining children?

In his book, “Don’t Praise Carelessly,” Professor Kim Young-hoon of Yonsei University’s Department of Psychology questions the effectiveness of praise, positive thinking, and rewards, which we have long considered effective disciplinary tools.
Through experiments conducted on students, the effects of praise and scolding, positive and negative thinking, and rewards on children's performance are scientifically analyzed.
And within it, we share wise and effective ways to motivate children while protecting their hearts.


How should we praise and scold our children? What types of praise and scolding can boost their motivation to study? Is positive thinking truly beneficial for children's mental health? What kind of rewards make children study harder? This book will help you find answers to these questions and consider how to apply them to your own life.

Originally, Dayeon really liked playing the piano and going to piano academy.
However, Dayeon decided to stop going to the academy on her own to create an excuse.
No one forced him to do it, he wanted to quit of his own accord.
I couldn't actually quit the academy due to pressure from my mother, but what would have happened if I had? Would I have gotten better at piano, or worse? Of course, I would have gotten worse.
Because I ended up not playing the piano at all.
In the end, you will fail in the piano field.
The core of self-crippling is that the excuses you create for yourself lead to failure.
--- p.22, from “The Child Who Creates His Own Failure”

There are children who say that studying is not fun since elementary school.
There are many children who actively express that they are not very interested in studying.
It could be because they really hate it, but that's rare.
Why would children particularly dislike studying from elementary school onward? Excessive expectations and praise can make them do this.
There are parents who get excited and excessively praise their children when they do something well, even if it is nothing special.
Of course, it could be praise given in the hope that the child will work harder.
But children find the praise both pleasurable and burdensome.
Because I have to live up to that praise.
In fact, that may be the real goal of parents.
--- p.34, from “Why Don’t You Study When an Exam Is Coming?”

If our ultimate goal is to increase a child's intrinsic motivation to study, we must use appropriate praise and criticism.
Children who do well should be praised, and children who do wrong should be scolded.
This isn't just for children.
It doesn't matter whether it's your child, coworker, friend, husband, or wife.
Correct and accurate feedback is the only way to increase intrinsic motivation.
The American attitude of trying to increase intrinsic motivation in a child who is not doing well through praise, and the traditional Korean attitude of trying to increase intrinsic motivation in a child who is doing well through scolding, are both wrong.
What we need is genuine praise and genuine rebuke.
--- p.60, from “Who will work harder, a child who is praised or scolded?”

Praise can manipulate children for a moment, but that manipulation doesn't last long.
Since it has no substance, it will eventually collapse at some point.
Realistic scolding can feel too dry and impersonal.
But unjustified praise is nothing more than a more inhumane and petty manipulation.
I don't know if we can manipulate it for the rest of our lives, but we have to live against a wall with the huge market called reality.
There is no manipulation that can withstand that barrier.
The more it is exaggerated and the more it is unjustified, the greater the pain and suffering our children will have to endure.
--- p.102, from “Why You Should Keep Talking to a Child Who Doesn’t Listen”

There are many children who said they liked reading books before entering elementary school.
Some children said they liked math.
My son also liked math until the third grade of elementary school.
There are many children who like science.
But strangely enough, as time goes by, you start to hate all the subjects you used to like.
Because they think they study for the rewards, to get into college.
The moment there is a reward, this kind of reasoning becomes difficult to avoid.
Even if they previously enjoyed studying, when a reward is given, children cannot help but perceive that they are studying because of it.
At that moment, studying becomes something you don't want to do.
--- p.183, from “The Trap of Saying You Can Play If You Finish Your Homework First”

People call rewards motivation.
That's a great expression.
But strictly speaking, the reward is manipulation.
It is about forcing children and adults to do something by bribing them with rewards such as grades, college, money, fame, and status.
When given a reward, most children and adults will do their best for it.
It is rare to find someone who is free from the pressure of reward.
At first glance, it may seem like you are working hard out of free will, but in reality, that is not the case at all.
It's something you have to do because you can't help but work hard, and you're forced into a situation where you have to work hard in exchange for a reward.
This is not motivation, it is crude behavioral manipulation.

--- p.199, from “What You Like vs. What You Are Good at: Criteria for Choosing a Child’s Career”