Prologue: The Two Paths of a Perfectionist

Part 1: When Perfectionism Traps Me

Chapter 1: The Harsh Critic Within
Chapter 2: Seven Characteristics of a Perfectionist
Chapter 3: Finding Where Anxiety Began

Part 2: 7 Changes That Create a Flexible Perfectionist

Change 1: Get used to being kind rather than critical.
Chapter 4: The Power of Appropriate Self-Compassion
Chapter 5: Others' minds cannot be the same as mine.

Change 2 Work and performance are not yours
Chapter 6: What's More Important Than My Image
Chapter 7 You Actually Wanted Communion

Change 3: Moving from "I have to" to "I want to"
Chapter 8: Rewriting the Inner Rulebook
Chapter 9: If Fun Keeps Turning into Obligation

Change 4: Letting Go of Past and Future Mistakes
Chapter 10: Because humans are inherently such beings
Chapter 11: Experiments Are More Fun Than Tests

Change 5: Gain strength from starting rather than procrastinating
Chapter 12: The Problem Isn't Time Management

Change 6 Don't focus on comparisons
Chapter 13: You Can Control Your Comparative Mind

Change 7 There is no right answer to emotions.
Chapter 14: Living as Your True Self Within
Chapter 15: Living as Your True Self, Even in Appearance

Epilogue: For Me, Who Is Good Enough

Acknowledgements
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“A book for those tired of pushing themselves.”
How to let go of your inner harsh critic and be kind to yourself

★Amazon's #1 Bestseller in Clinical Psychology★
★Oprah Daly's Best Books of 2025★

"Compared to others, I'm still lacking." "This is practically a failure." "I passed, so I guess my standards weren't high enough." Do you often say things like these? If so, you're likely a perfectionist.
Perfectionism is more common than you might think, and it manifests itself in different ways for different people.
If severe, it can lead to symptoms such as depression, eating disorders, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Research has even revealed a link between perfectionism and suicide. The number of youth with perfectionism is increasing due to the display of their lives on social media, an increasingly competitive environment, and the prevalence of public opinion.
Perfectionism itself is not the problem.
Perfectionist traits like integrity, a strong work ethic, and the ability to see the big picture help individuals grow and build trust with those around them.
But when perfectionism takes on an overly rigid form, it becomes a prison that imprisons us.

With a simple shift in our behavior and mindset, we can become more forgiving, more self-forgiving "flexible perfectionists."
Ellen Hendrickson, a clinical psychologist with 20 years of experience and a former perfectionist herself, outlines seven psychological traits of perfectionists in her new book, The Flexible Perfectionist, including self-criticism, procrastination, ruminating on mistakes, and comparing herself to others. She then suggests ways to positively transform each of these tendencies.
Hendrickson, whose previous book, How to Be Yourself, was hailed by Susan Cain, author of Quiet, as “a groundbreaking roadmap to becoming your authentic self,” offers a detailed guide to making perfectionism a steadfast friend rather than a hindrance in your life.
Immediately acclaimed as “everything you need to know when you’re feeling anxious” and “a must-read for anyone who feels they have to live up to everyone’s expectations,” the book reached number one on Amazon’s clinical psychology bestseller list and was named one of Oprah Daley’s “The Best Self-Help Books” of 2025, alongside Let Them Theory.


Rigid perfectionism that can be fatal
How can I distance myself from the self-criticism that is draining me?

Chapter 1 of this book presents a study tracking suicide cases in Alaska from 2003 to 2006.
Researchers interviewed grieving parents who had lost a child in their teens and, without asking specific questions, found that 62 percent of the parents described their deceased child as being perfectionistic.
The teenagers hid their pain from everyone around them, and suffered so much that they thought the world would be a better place if they were gone.
Perfectionist tendencies like this often lead to excessive self-attacks.
They set unreasonably high standards and consider themselves failures if even the slightest flaw occurs.
It's an 'all or nothing' mindset where you consider something to be either a complete success or a complete failure.
Instead of making healthy resolutions to try different next time, you push yourself with harsh criticism, and when you do meet your standards, you belittle your performance by saying that your standards weren't high enough to begin with.
Rather than rethinking unrealistic standards, it's natural to jump straight to the conclusion that you're inadequate.


While the author acknowledges that self-criticism stems from a desire to help oneself, he argues that self-criticism is a tool that can be more detrimental than beneficial, as it ultimately exhausts the person being criticized.
Instead, the author uses the example of the UCLA basketball coach to explain that rather than personal assessments like “You’re the best” or “You suck,” he finds more helpful information like “Pull up your socks so you don’t get blisters” or “Pass to the shorter player.”
It also introduces ways to regain composure by sending signals of self-compassion through simple words and actions, and cognitive defusion techniques that help readers distance themselves from self-critical thoughts, helping them break free from the vicious cycle of self-criticism.


Work and performance are not you
Rather than obsessing over immediate results,
Ask yourself what values ​​you really want

Walt Disney, an indispensable figure in the history of world cinema.
Although he achieved remarkable things due to his extreme perfectionism, he was never satisfied with himself and ended up feeling isolated and lonely.
He believed that the success of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" would prove him right, so he tormented his employees and whipped himself to create a masterpiece. However, he suffered from the compulsion to achieve the same amazing results with each new work he created.
Walt Disney overidentified himself with his accomplishments, which researchers who study perfectionism call overevaluation.
This overestimation has its downsides.
When performance falls short of expectations, they feel they have lost their value.
Even if you achieve the results you expected immediately, it is only temporary, and you must prove yourself again by achieving success in the next challenge.
Every moment of life becomes a test of one's existence.

The author says that we should not be obsessed with immediate results, but rather think about our values ​​first.
For example, this book features a college student who is obsessed with the evaluation of being a 'genius'.
He wants to maintain the reputation of being a genius that he heard as a child, and he feels that if he doesn't receive praise and admiration, he has no reason to exist.
The author advises him to place his value of "the joy of learning" at the center of his life, rather than the results of his academic performance.
To truly learn, you have to admit that you don't know and ask stupid questions.
When he was obsessed with the evaluation of being a "genius," he criticized himself for not understanding the content, but when he followed the value of the joy of learning, he felt that the process of figuring out the content was enjoyable.
Values ​​are not goals, they are directions.
If you believe that the success or failure of a task will speak volumes about you, life becomes a series of tests. But if you prioritize values ​​like relationships, honesty, justice, friendship, and caring, the task at hand becomes part of a long life.
Work is work, and achievements are achievements; they do not define a person.


You can fully control your procrastination and your comparing mind.
A concrete roadmap for a better everyday life

This book also offers solutions to the problems we commonly face in our daily lives: procrastination and comparison.
Procrastination is a common symptom of perfectionism, stemming from the unrealistic expectations that everything must be done perfectly and the fear of failure that it's better not to do something than to do it poorly.
As procrastination accumulates, self-criticism like, "Why am I always like this?" leads to stress and we fall back into procrastination to avoid negative emotions.
The author suggests ways to get started in any situation and feel good about it, ways to break down tasks into ridiculously small chunks to make getting started easier, and ways to make the "future me" who thinks, "I'll do it in the future" feel like the "present me."


Comparing is also a common trait among perfectionists.
When we see someone outstanding, we may feel discouraged or discouraged, and in extreme cases, we may even feel anger or hostility.
Comparison is a natural instinct, as studies show that specific brain regions are activated when we compare ourselves to others, but the resulting pain is manageable.
When we recognize that just as we are complex beings, so too are exceptional people with complex contexts, when we focus on our own purpose and let comparisons with others become background noise, and when we act altruistically, contrary to our instinctive feelings of envy, we can avoid being consumed by apathy or anger.


The Flexible Perfectionist isn't just a book about lowering your standards.
The author argues that high standards actually help me grow and become a driving force for me to be true to life.
However, the author recommends focusing on the standards that are truly necessary for me, rather than unrealistic standards, and on the values ​​that I truly value, rather than superficial results.
The flexibility that allows us to maintain our competence and charm, to cherish our connections with others, and to see life's unpredictability as a possibility ultimately comes from a broader perspective that sees greater values.