As a doctor, what I find most frustrating is that people suffering from narcissism mistakenly believe that their current suffering is due to their own fault or weakness.
Over the years, I have repeatedly observed many clients experience a sense of relief and freedom when they realize the true nature of their conflicts through counseling and therapy.
And they went on to look back at all their relationships in life and began to change to live a healthier and happier life.
Likewise, I hope this book will be a guide to you, reminding you that it is never your fault, and that you can now move forward to a freer and more abundant life.

--- pp.10~11

Shame, on the other hand, is the embarrassment one feels when others discover one's wrongdoings.
It is the feeling one gets when one is caught by others in an inferior position, and it is not the pain caused by one's own mistakes, but by the negative gaze others have on oneself.
This is a very primitive emotion that is transformed into guilt through the process of maturation.
This shame usually leads to uncomfortable feelings such as depression, anxiety, and self-loathing. However, people usually try to accept and endure these feelings because they are often caused by their own fault.
However, narcissists often have difficulty properly digesting such uncomfortable feelings due to their unstable self-esteem, and often transform them into explosive anger.
So, they sometimes show great aggression towards others who point out their mistakes and cause them to feel ashamed.

--- p.31

Why do they so readily seek to enter others' boundaries? First, they harbor an exaggerated sense of superiority and a sense of entitlement, believing they can act however they please.
That is why they think that they do not have to keep the boundaries that other people carefully keep.
The second reason is because they want to show off their power.
It is a way of showing off one's power by saying that even if one's words and actions make others uncomfortable, the other person must accept it.
Finally, narcissists have poor impulse control, which means they cannot hold back on what they want to say or do.
They just cross the line because they want to, regardless of whether it makes the other person uncomfortable or not.
These traits combined make narcissists unable to maintain the proper distance from others and lack respect for other people's boundaries.

--- pp.39~40

The roles of children under narcissistic parents are broadly categorized as Scapegoat, Golden Child, Invisible Child or Lost Child, and Truth Teller.
Children may take on multiple overlapping roles or their roles may change as they grow.
Even adults who become narcissists themselves may have taken on one of these roles if they grew up with narcissistic parents.
The implicit roles assigned to children in childhood are often reproduced in the important relationships they form as adults.
For example, a child who primarily played the role of scapegoat within a narcissistic family structure as a child is more likely to later play the role of scapegoat spouse within their marital relationship.
Knowing what type of child I was and what unconscious psychological patterns were formed as a result can provide an opportunity to change the characteristics of myself that are currently having a negative impact on my life.

--- pp.143~144

Love bombing is also a defense mechanism for narcissists to maintain their grandiosity.
Narcissists idealize their current relationship as perfect because if they feel that the relationship itself is perfect, they will feel perfect within it as well.
However, perfect relationships do not exist in reality, and it is even more difficult to form meaningful relationships in a short period of time.
So, they package an immature relationship as a series of events that could only happen in a movie, making it seem like a perfect relationship.
That is, you project the grandiosity you usually have about yourself onto your romantic relationship.
Narcissists harbor an underlying fear of rejection due to feelings of inadequacy, and love bombing is a defense against that fear.

--- p.194

To avoid being drawn into a relationship with them, you need to be able to resist and ignore the strong signals the narcissist sends you to provide the supply they want.
The most important thing for this is the gray rock technique.
This is a technique for consistently dealing with the narcissist's unspoken pressure to provide a supply role, with a dry, unresponsive response and no emotional agitation.
That is, it really reacts to that person like a stone.
Narcissists who did not receive proper mirroring from their primary caregivers as children want to see themselves as adults who reflect back to them the grandiose version of themselves they want to see.
That is why it is necessary to become a stone that does not react no matter how much you look at it, touch it, or throw it, and that does not reflect the other person's appearance.
This way, the narcissist won't pressure you to be their provider.

--- pp.226~227

If you often find yourself thinking, "Why don't I have anyone to share my feelings with?", it's likely that your parents or siblings, your family of origin, also have strong narcissistic tendencies.
In the past, we were too young or didn't have time to think about this, so we didn't realize that there was a lack of emotional exchange within our original family. However, after experiencing a narcissistic spouse, we look back at our original family and realize that there were narcissistic tendencies among them.
And because I grew up in this kind of environment, I got along well with friends, coworkers, and acquaintances I met later on, but I was unable to develop deep relationships with them.
Since I never had this kind of experience of communication when I was young, I didn't know how to do it and didn't feel the need for it.

--- p.258

When a narcissist feels that the other person has already fallen for him, he will begin to reduce the amount of attention and effort he gives to the other person, eventually only offering the minimum amount of favors that will keep the relationship going.
This behavior of narcissists is called breadcrumbing, which means 'throwing breadcrumbs'.
If the elements of empathy, consideration, respect, affection, and mutual exchange that we provide to others in a true relationship are a loaf of bread, then the meaningless and trivial favors that we do for show to keep the other person from leaving the relationship are the breadcrumbs.

--- p.267

The most important thing here is to notice that I am ruminating and obsessing like this.
No matter how much you struggle with the narcissist's distorted words and actions, you must accept that this relationship cannot be improved.
Rather, this kind of rumination only serves to inflict secondary harm on oneself by dwelling on the wounds inflicted on oneself by the narcissist.
So, instead of wasting any more time on the narcissist, let's try to find more ways to entertain ourselves instead of dwelling and ruminating.
I use that time to fully enjoy myself, whether it's meeting comfortable and warm people who give me positive energy or doing activities I enjoy.
It's unfair that you've been treated unfairly by a narcissist, so don't continue to torment yourself by ruminating about that person.

--- pp.282~283