Why don't men have friends?
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Description
Book Introduction
Why do men become more isolated and eccentric as they age?
It starts with show and competition, ridicule and contempt.
The overwhelming suicide rate and death from loneliness
A black comedy about self-reflection on a distorted male culture!
Mr. A, a young man in his 20s who is obsessed with the exclusive worldview of the 'male community' instead of communicating in the public sphere; Mr. B, a middle-aged man in his 40s who laments his depressing days of 'drinking alone' while neglecting his family and friends with the excuse of 'being busy with work'; Mr. C, an elderly man in his 60s who wanders aimlessly with no one to meet and no place to go until he suddenly loses contact...
These are men whose social relationships are somehow distorted, and they are all common figures we see around us today.
Why are men becoming increasingly isolated and eccentric? How did men's "relationships" get to this point?
A new British book, "Why Don't Men Have Friends?", has been published, which presents the crisis, problems, and solutions facing "men's relationships" through in-depth research, expert interviews, and flexible language.
Max Dickens, a male stand-up comedian in his mid-30s, explores the male group culture, which is filled with the logic of showing off and competition, the language of ridicule and contempt, and the inertia of drinking and sensuality, and the resulting problems in men's relationships, by crossing between reality and theory, based on his own experience of 'losing human relationships.'
The British author, with his characteristically intellectual humor and satirical wit, sharply criticizes the social and cultural environment that has created male individuals who are immature in honest conversations and emotional empathy with others, while also suggesting practical ways to improve relationships that can be implemented immediately.
Today, when Korean men are more seriously asked than ever to address relationships and communication, this must-read book on human relationships dissects men's culture for those struggling to build relationships in everyday life, whether with friends, family, or at work.
It starts with show and competition, ridicule and contempt.
The overwhelming suicide rate and death from loneliness
A black comedy about self-reflection on a distorted male culture!
Mr. A, a young man in his 20s who is obsessed with the exclusive worldview of the 'male community' instead of communicating in the public sphere; Mr. B, a middle-aged man in his 40s who laments his depressing days of 'drinking alone' while neglecting his family and friends with the excuse of 'being busy with work'; Mr. C, an elderly man in his 60s who wanders aimlessly with no one to meet and no place to go until he suddenly loses contact...
These are men whose social relationships are somehow distorted, and they are all common figures we see around us today.
Why are men becoming increasingly isolated and eccentric? How did men's "relationships" get to this point?
A new British book, "Why Don't Men Have Friends?", has been published, which presents the crisis, problems, and solutions facing "men's relationships" through in-depth research, expert interviews, and flexible language.
Max Dickens, a male stand-up comedian in his mid-30s, explores the male group culture, which is filled with the logic of showing off and competition, the language of ridicule and contempt, and the inertia of drinking and sensuality, and the resulting problems in men's relationships, by crossing between reality and theory, based on his own experience of 'losing human relationships.'
The British author, with his characteristically intellectual humor and satirical wit, sharply criticizes the social and cultural environment that has created male individuals who are immature in honest conversations and emotional empathy with others, while also suggesting practical ways to improve relationships that can be implemented immediately.
Today, when Korean men are more seriously asked than ever to address relationships and communication, this must-read book on human relationships dissects men's culture for those struggling to build relationships in everyday life, whether with friends, family, or at work.
- You can preview some of the book's contents.
Preview
index
Entering
Chapter 1: Like being shot
Chapter 2: Man Box: The Man's Shackles
Chapter 3: Fluffy (or Fluffy) Friends
Chapter 4: In Search of the True 'Flower Snake'
Chapter 5: The Innate Loner
Chapter 6 What does it mean to have a good friend?
Chapter 7 The Wild Man Within Me
Chapter 8: Friendship Sex
Chapter 9: Interpersonal Relationship Withdrawal Symptoms
Chapter 10 On the Flower Path: Not the End, but the Beginning
Epilogue: The Never-ending Journey
Chapter 1: Like being shot
Chapter 2: Man Box: The Man's Shackles
Chapter 3: Fluffy (or Fluffy) Friends
Chapter 4: In Search of the True 'Flower Snake'
Chapter 5: The Innate Loner
Chapter 6 What does it mean to have a good friend?
Chapter 7 The Wild Man Within Me
Chapter 8: Friendship Sex
Chapter 9: Interpersonal Relationship Withdrawal Symptoms
Chapter 10 On the Flower Path: Not the End, but the Beginning
Epilogue: The Never-ending Journey
Detailed image
Into the book
American stand-up comedian John Mulaney quipped, “It’s hard for men to make friends once they’re adults,” and added, “The greatest miracle Jesus ever performed was that he had twelve best friends at the age of thirty-three.”
Men may joke about this, but they don't know how to deal with it.
--- From "Entering"
I think about the many ways loneliness kills men.
Studies have shown that loneliness is more harmful to your health than smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.
Loneliness is more detrimental to your health than excessive drinking, lack of exercise, or obesity.
Studies have also found a correlation between loneliness and various diseases, including cancer, heart disease, stroke, dementia, immune system disorders, eating disorders, drug abuse, and alcoholism.
I think about the decades of research that have shown that a happy life is impossible without friends and good people.
--- From "Chapter 1: Like Being Shot"
Numerous studies have repeatedly shown that men are much more likely than women to describe themselves as “independent.”
Men describe themselves in ways that emphasize their uniqueness by distinguishing themselves from others.
And men refer to human relationships as a secondary role in the drama of an achievement-oriented life.
Conversely, women are much more likely to have an 'interdependent' self-concept.
Women describe themselves in ways that emphasize their relationships with others, such as partners, mothers, children, and friends.
“Men can freely say things like, ‘Your stuff is useless’ or ‘You can’t even drive properly and you just eat.’
And that kind of comment is probably less hurtful than being told you lack a sense of humor.” Men are obsessed with a sense of humor.
While humor is undoubtedly a very important element for women, in my experience, women have more tools at their disposal when it comes to communicating in relationships.
But for a lot of men, it's all a joke, and it's all a joke.
--- From "Chapter 2: Man Box: The Man's Shackles"
What stands out is the 'toxic' masculinity and its 'strong and taciturn' archetype.
There is a saying familiar to us.
A man does not succumb to pain and always controls himself.
Here, ‘self-control’ is synonymous with ‘lack of emotion.’
However, there is an exception when the emotion is anger.
Anger is the only emotion that men are culturally trained to express, and it acts as a funnel, a release valve, through which all other emotions are channeled.
We often say this in a sarcastic tone.
Men don't like to ask for help or ask for help, whether it's when they're grilling, driving, or even when they're suicidal.
--- From "Chapter 3: Flesh-loving (or Flesh-mixing) Friends"
“You’re lucky if you get 7.5 seconds on the phone with a guy,” Dunbar chuckled.
“What else could a man possibly say? ‘Seven o’clock sharp, at the pub.’ That’s how the conversation always ends.” … Dunbar explains that it’s not that men are rude or simply ignorant, but rather that conversation in a male-dominated society seems to play a different role than in a female-dominated one.
For women, conversation plays a very important role in creating and demonstrating intimacy.
For men, the purpose of conversation is often to exchange information or organize group activities, which are the main menu of social gatherings.
Men form intimacy by gathering in the same space and sharing interests.
--- From "Chapter 5: The Innate Loner"
C.
S. Lewis's brilliant insight is that friendship must have something to 'share' and that it must go beyond the past.
… “The condition for making friends is that you must want something other than your friends,” Lewis noted, and “those who have nothing to share cannot share anything with others, and those who are going nowhere cannot find fellow travelers.”
--- From "Chapter 6: What Does It Mean to Be a Good Friend!"
“I’m getting better at asking for help now,” JP said.
“When I have moments of intense emotion, whether it’s sadness or joy, I used to not express them on purpose, but now I express them in words.
I finally feel like I have a toolbox to overcome emotional vulnerability.
There is also a box that starts with, 'I feel like…'
“This small change had a huge impact on me.”
--- From "Chapter 7: The Wild Man Within Me"
What does it mean to be a friend as an adult?
Men may joke about this, but they don't know how to deal with it.
--- From "Entering"
I think about the many ways loneliness kills men.
Studies have shown that loneliness is more harmful to your health than smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.
Loneliness is more detrimental to your health than excessive drinking, lack of exercise, or obesity.
Studies have also found a correlation between loneliness and various diseases, including cancer, heart disease, stroke, dementia, immune system disorders, eating disorders, drug abuse, and alcoholism.
I think about the decades of research that have shown that a happy life is impossible without friends and good people.
--- From "Chapter 1: Like Being Shot"
Numerous studies have repeatedly shown that men are much more likely than women to describe themselves as “independent.”
Men describe themselves in ways that emphasize their uniqueness by distinguishing themselves from others.
And men refer to human relationships as a secondary role in the drama of an achievement-oriented life.
Conversely, women are much more likely to have an 'interdependent' self-concept.
Women describe themselves in ways that emphasize their relationships with others, such as partners, mothers, children, and friends.
“Men can freely say things like, ‘Your stuff is useless’ or ‘You can’t even drive properly and you just eat.’
And that kind of comment is probably less hurtful than being told you lack a sense of humor.” Men are obsessed with a sense of humor.
While humor is undoubtedly a very important element for women, in my experience, women have more tools at their disposal when it comes to communicating in relationships.
But for a lot of men, it's all a joke, and it's all a joke.
--- From "Chapter 2: Man Box: The Man's Shackles"
What stands out is the 'toxic' masculinity and its 'strong and taciturn' archetype.
There is a saying familiar to us.
A man does not succumb to pain and always controls himself.
Here, ‘self-control’ is synonymous with ‘lack of emotion.’
However, there is an exception when the emotion is anger.
Anger is the only emotion that men are culturally trained to express, and it acts as a funnel, a release valve, through which all other emotions are channeled.
We often say this in a sarcastic tone.
Men don't like to ask for help or ask for help, whether it's when they're grilling, driving, or even when they're suicidal.
--- From "Chapter 3: Flesh-loving (or Flesh-mixing) Friends"
“You’re lucky if you get 7.5 seconds on the phone with a guy,” Dunbar chuckled.
“What else could a man possibly say? ‘Seven o’clock sharp, at the pub.’ That’s how the conversation always ends.” … Dunbar explains that it’s not that men are rude or simply ignorant, but rather that conversation in a male-dominated society seems to play a different role than in a female-dominated one.
For women, conversation plays a very important role in creating and demonstrating intimacy.
For men, the purpose of conversation is often to exchange information or organize group activities, which are the main menu of social gatherings.
Men form intimacy by gathering in the same space and sharing interests.
--- From "Chapter 5: The Innate Loner"
C.
S. Lewis's brilliant insight is that friendship must have something to 'share' and that it must go beyond the past.
… “The condition for making friends is that you must want something other than your friends,” Lewis noted, and “those who have nothing to share cannot share anything with others, and those who are going nowhere cannot find fellow travelers.”
--- From "Chapter 6: What Does It Mean to Be a Good Friend!"
“I’m getting better at asking for help now,” JP said.
“When I have moments of intense emotion, whether it’s sadness or joy, I used to not express them on purpose, but now I express them in words.
I finally feel like I have a toolbox to overcome emotional vulnerability.
There is also a box that starts with, 'I feel like…'
“This small change had a huge impact on me.”
--- From "Chapter 7: The Wild Man Within Me"
What does it mean to be a friend as an adult?
--- From "Epilogue: The Never-ending Journey"
Publisher's Review
There's something wrong with men's 'friendship'!
The life of each man for himself has become a "battlefield of masculinity."
One day, the author realizes that he no longer has any male friends he could call his "best friend," and that most men, including himself, experience problems in interpersonal relationships as they age and become isolated.
The author, feigning bewilderment, begins to approach this problem seriously.
What is friendship between men? How do men build "relationships"?
The proverb, “Men’s friendship is not about words,” is held in high esteem in the relationships between men.
However, the relationship that took the place of 'honest horizontal conversation' was a hierarchical order in which the more 'manly' one stood above the others, based on the logic of competition for each other's survival.
To prove one's 'manliness', one must earn more money than the other person, desire and indulge in sexual acts more, and surpass the other person physically and intellectually.
The personality should be 'cool' and generous, and nothing should be more important in life than work.
Any other way is considered unmasculine and is subject to ridicule and contempt, and in particular, ‘confessing one’s feelings honestly’ is strictly taboo.
“For men, life is a series of competitions for masculinity.
Manliness is measured by whether a man surpasses other men sexually, physically, intellectually, and economically.
By the way, the same reason can explain why I, a man, try to maintain the role of cutting meat at the table.
…and there is nothing more girly than talking about your feelings.” In this obsession with and competition for masculinity, men neither ask for help with their problems nor show empathy for other men’s problems.
For men, life's problems are something that must be 'solved' 'independently', and those who succeed in solving them on their own are reborn as 'real men' who have achieved something, while those who fail to do so disappear as 'losers'.
In a male-dominated society where such a "toxic" model of masculinity is promoted, individual men are left without support until they reach a point of crisis because they cannot find anyone to talk seriously about their problems.
In fact, a 2018 survey by the Movember Foundation found that one in three British male respondents said they had “no close friends,” and when asked if they had anyone they could seriously discuss their problems with, almost half said “no one comes to mind.”
How Loneliness Kills Men
What's happening to men now?
Those who have not found a place to put their hearts, run towards different paths by generation.
Young men are creating anti-feminist online communities called manospheres, hiding in male-only "cave" spaces to vent their anger toward women and deepen their delusions of persecution.
Middle-aged men are drowning in a swamp of drinking and depression, and are pushed to the brink of death.
According to a 2019 BBC investigation, three out of four suicides in the UK are men, and suicide is also the leading cause of death for men under 45.
The Samaritans Suicide Report, published in 2012, cited 'lack of social relationships' as the biggest risk factor for male suicide.
Older men die alone in the absence of social networks.
There are around 4,000 lonely deaths in the UK each year, with 75 per cent of these being men.
In an interview with the author, sociologist Eric Klinenberg pointed out that “older women are much more likely to live alone than older men because they have longer life expectancies, but they are much less likely to die alone,” and explained that “even if women live alone, they are less likely than men to be cut off from social relationships with friends, family, and neighbors.”
This is very similar to the domestic situation surrounding Korean men.
Namcho communities, which are centered around men in their 20s and 30s, are run around sexual objectification and hate sentiments toward women, contrary to their original purpose.
The suicide rate for Korean men soars sharply starting in their 40s, and for those in their 80s, it is five times higher than the suicide rate for women of the same age.
The number of deaths from loneliness is also five times higher among men than among women, and in particular, the proportion of those in their 50s and 60s is more than half, at 53.9 percent.
Relationship problems stemming from a lack of connection and emotional poverty are driving men around the world out of social spaces and posing a clear and real threat to their lives.
Men, be honest with yourselves.
Let's confess to our loved ones
The author, who has explored and explored various fields such as sociology, history, psychology, philosophy, evolutionary biology, and anthropology on the topic of male relationship deficiencies, finally arrives at a conclusion that will solve the interpersonal relationship problems of many men and himself.
It's a very easy step, but at the same time, the most difficult for men: being honest about your feelings and approaching those who are important to you sincerely.
Accepting my desires and vulnerabilities as they are, not as a member of a male society, but as myself, and taking the first step toward reaching out to friends and neighbors around me, carefully but without distortion, to convey my feelings.
“The most important part was admitting to myself that I had a problem.
“I mean, confessing that you’re lonely.”
The author shares detailed, real-life experiences that anyone can emulate and offers concrete ways to improve relationships.
Of course, not all attempts are successful.
Sometimes, you join a local choir and sing along, feeling a surge of elation for no reason. Sometimes, you happily use a platform where you pay to hire someone to be your "friend" only to return home feeling uneasy. Sometimes, you struggle with awkwardness after suddenly confessing to a friend you've known for a long time but never had a serious conversation with that you "care for and like you."
At this crossroads of repeated success and failure, there is one truth that remains constant: 'If I do not extend a hand of friendship, no one will be able to take it.'
Finally, the author makes a subtle recommendation.
“Send a message asking to have a drink like before, and this time, let’s have a drink for real.”
If you've found yourself in a broken relationship, or if the male companion you cherish and love is struggling with relationship issues, take steps forward, guided by the experienced comfort and vivid advice this book offers.
In the laughter that comes from the guide's cheerful banter, you will discover your true self, free from the shackles of 'manhood,' and the small seeds of courage that will nurture rich social relationships.
The life of each man for himself has become a "battlefield of masculinity."
One day, the author realizes that he no longer has any male friends he could call his "best friend," and that most men, including himself, experience problems in interpersonal relationships as they age and become isolated.
The author, feigning bewilderment, begins to approach this problem seriously.
What is friendship between men? How do men build "relationships"?
The proverb, “Men’s friendship is not about words,” is held in high esteem in the relationships between men.
However, the relationship that took the place of 'honest horizontal conversation' was a hierarchical order in which the more 'manly' one stood above the others, based on the logic of competition for each other's survival.
To prove one's 'manliness', one must earn more money than the other person, desire and indulge in sexual acts more, and surpass the other person physically and intellectually.
The personality should be 'cool' and generous, and nothing should be more important in life than work.
Any other way is considered unmasculine and is subject to ridicule and contempt, and in particular, ‘confessing one’s feelings honestly’ is strictly taboo.
“For men, life is a series of competitions for masculinity.
Manliness is measured by whether a man surpasses other men sexually, physically, intellectually, and economically.
By the way, the same reason can explain why I, a man, try to maintain the role of cutting meat at the table.
…and there is nothing more girly than talking about your feelings.” In this obsession with and competition for masculinity, men neither ask for help with their problems nor show empathy for other men’s problems.
For men, life's problems are something that must be 'solved' 'independently', and those who succeed in solving them on their own are reborn as 'real men' who have achieved something, while those who fail to do so disappear as 'losers'.
In a male-dominated society where such a "toxic" model of masculinity is promoted, individual men are left without support until they reach a point of crisis because they cannot find anyone to talk seriously about their problems.
In fact, a 2018 survey by the Movember Foundation found that one in three British male respondents said they had “no close friends,” and when asked if they had anyone they could seriously discuss their problems with, almost half said “no one comes to mind.”
How Loneliness Kills Men
What's happening to men now?
Those who have not found a place to put their hearts, run towards different paths by generation.
Young men are creating anti-feminist online communities called manospheres, hiding in male-only "cave" spaces to vent their anger toward women and deepen their delusions of persecution.
Middle-aged men are drowning in a swamp of drinking and depression, and are pushed to the brink of death.
According to a 2019 BBC investigation, three out of four suicides in the UK are men, and suicide is also the leading cause of death for men under 45.
The Samaritans Suicide Report, published in 2012, cited 'lack of social relationships' as the biggest risk factor for male suicide.
Older men die alone in the absence of social networks.
There are around 4,000 lonely deaths in the UK each year, with 75 per cent of these being men.
In an interview with the author, sociologist Eric Klinenberg pointed out that “older women are much more likely to live alone than older men because they have longer life expectancies, but they are much less likely to die alone,” and explained that “even if women live alone, they are less likely than men to be cut off from social relationships with friends, family, and neighbors.”
This is very similar to the domestic situation surrounding Korean men.
Namcho communities, which are centered around men in their 20s and 30s, are run around sexual objectification and hate sentiments toward women, contrary to their original purpose.
The suicide rate for Korean men soars sharply starting in their 40s, and for those in their 80s, it is five times higher than the suicide rate for women of the same age.
The number of deaths from loneliness is also five times higher among men than among women, and in particular, the proportion of those in their 50s and 60s is more than half, at 53.9 percent.
Relationship problems stemming from a lack of connection and emotional poverty are driving men around the world out of social spaces and posing a clear and real threat to their lives.
Men, be honest with yourselves.
Let's confess to our loved ones
The author, who has explored and explored various fields such as sociology, history, psychology, philosophy, evolutionary biology, and anthropology on the topic of male relationship deficiencies, finally arrives at a conclusion that will solve the interpersonal relationship problems of many men and himself.
It's a very easy step, but at the same time, the most difficult for men: being honest about your feelings and approaching those who are important to you sincerely.
Accepting my desires and vulnerabilities as they are, not as a member of a male society, but as myself, and taking the first step toward reaching out to friends and neighbors around me, carefully but without distortion, to convey my feelings.
“The most important part was admitting to myself that I had a problem.
“I mean, confessing that you’re lonely.”
The author shares detailed, real-life experiences that anyone can emulate and offers concrete ways to improve relationships.
Of course, not all attempts are successful.
Sometimes, you join a local choir and sing along, feeling a surge of elation for no reason. Sometimes, you happily use a platform where you pay to hire someone to be your "friend" only to return home feeling uneasy. Sometimes, you struggle with awkwardness after suddenly confessing to a friend you've known for a long time but never had a serious conversation with that you "care for and like you."
At this crossroads of repeated success and failure, there is one truth that remains constant: 'If I do not extend a hand of friendship, no one will be able to take it.'
Finally, the author makes a subtle recommendation.
“Send a message asking to have a drink like before, and this time, let’s have a drink for real.”
If you've found yourself in a broken relationship, or if the male companion you cherish and love is struggling with relationship issues, take steps forward, guided by the experienced comfort and vivid advice this book offers.
In the laughter that comes from the guide's cheerful banter, you will discover your true self, free from the shackles of 'manhood,' and the small seeds of courage that will nurture rich social relationships.
GOODS SPECIFICS
- Date of issue: January 24, 2025
- Page count, weight, size: 456 pages | 576g | 140*210*23mm
- ISBN13: 9788936480660
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