"Is this relationship just burdensome for me?" When you need to sort out your emotional turmoil
How to Break Off Harmful Relationships and Maintain Beneficial Relationships
The Psychology of Subjective Relationships by TikTok and Instagram Superstar Ali Fenwick

A modern-day human relations manual has been published for those who have ever wondered, "Why do I always struggle with the same problems?" or "Is this person a good person for me or a bad person?"
To anyone who has ever wondered, "Why do they do this to me?" at family gatherings, meetings with friends, conversations with coworkers, or romantic partners.
Dr. Ali Fenwick, a renowned relationship strategist and social media superstar with millions of followers, offers a clear answer in Red Flags, Green Flags.


This book addresses the crises in relationships we form throughout our lives, from family and friends to coworkers and lovers, through specific examples of relationships that anyone can experience at least once (overly interfering parents, friends who only spout negative evaluations, bosses who demand loyalty by calling themselves “family-like companies,” repetitive, distorted dating patterns, partners who gaslight or cheat, etc.).
By presenting a total of 24 'red flags' and diagnosing the 'red lights' and 'green lights' in each relationship, you can learn how to stop a relationship that is only hurting and maintain a healthy relationship.


Drawing on the latest behavioral science research and extensive counseling experience, the author constantly asks the questions, “Is this relationship beneficial or detrimental to me?” and “Is it harmful or harmless?”
Furthermore, it helps readers to read the signals sent by others, listen to their inner voice, and proactively decide the direction of the relationship.
As an author who has gained a lot of sympathy from the MZ generation based on TikTok and Instagram, he shows clear standards for distinguishing between bad and good relationships, with red and green lights, through episodes that anyone can understand and relate to, at an eye level that anyone can understand.

Red light and green light are also very subjective.
What is a red light for one person may be a green light for another, and vice versa.
You might have taken someone's behavior as a green light in a certain situation, but it might actually be a bright red light, as red as a boiled crayfish! Or maybe you thought you saw a red light in someone, but you were actually the one who was the red light.
You have formed your beliefs and perceptions through the influence of your upbringing, social culture, life experiences, and the media, and based on these, you determine what is a red light and what is a green light.
Unfortunately, the brain's operating system is not without its flaws (it's prone to making mistakes in cognitive processes), and making quick judgments can lead to poor decision-making.
This book uses science, anecdotes, personal stories, and a variety of tools to explain our decision-making process.

--- p.16

Learning to recognize when and when your mother and father are healthily involved in your life is crucial to your self-development, your mental well-being, and how you relate to others.
Learning to set your own boundaries is important, but it is often very difficult socially and culturally.
Being able to distinguish between red and green lights in your relationships with your parents or caregivers can help you build healthier relationships and give you the freedom to be who you want to be.
Let's be the ones to stop intergenerational trauma by continuing and expanding healthy behaviors that are passed down from one generation to the next.
--- p.34

By raising self-awareness and learning how to escape the shadow of an untrustworthy parent, we can shed some of the negative parental influence and even intergenerational trauma.
As adults, we can't change our parents or their behavior, but we can find ways to heal our inner child and help them grow into mature selves.
Let us remember the saying, “We are all products of our past, but we don’t have to be trapped by it.”
This is an expression that touches our hearts deeply when we are caught in a dilemma.
The past shapes who we are today, and to some extent, how we think and act, but it does not define who we want to be.
If we truly want to change, we always have a choice.
When we become aware of our own entrenched behaviors and thought patterns and are willing to change to become better people, power is in our hands.
--- p.47

Burnout and dissatisfaction are not uncommon in our always-online culture.
When you are micromanaged, you feel more pressure and bigger problems can arise.
So why is it so difficult to fight back when boundaries are crossed? Often, fear of raising your voice to management can lead to hesitation, preventing you from actively expressing your needs.
Fear of retaliation or job loss can be a fundamental reason why people are reluctant to speak out.
Another common reason is the tendency to try to please others.
Coworkers and managers have a knack for noticing when someone is a people-pleaser (a new term for someone who has an obsession with pleasing others) and see them as an easy target for work overload.
--- p.146

I believe that how we define mental health is important.
Is mental health a condition requiring care, a condition of illness? Or is it a state of productivity, coping strategies, and resilience—in other words, a state of well-being? The latter question fundamentally changes what mental health means, how it should be developed, and how employees should be engaged.
Most of my research looks at individuals in a state of well-being and resilience, rather than illness.
Clinical models are merely one paradigm for assessing human cognition and behavior.
In fact, there is a great example in the United Arab Emirates where people with mental or physical disabilities are called 'People of Determination'.
Depending on how we label life's various situations, we can either miss out on new possibilities or gain the vitality to grow further.
Determining how to define mental health in the workplace is the most important first step companies can take to support employee growth.
--- p.160

Situationship is somewhat similar to FWB, but adds enough complexity that it can never be called a relationship at all.
In a situationship, the status is not clearly defined, so one partner may develop romantic feelings for the other and hope for an exclusive relationship (while the other partner may not).
Because of the ambiguity surrounding situationship and the stress it can cause, I like to call it situationship.
The level of sexual involvement is high to moderate, and the level of emotional connection is moderate to high.
--- p.242

Studies show that one of the reasons people stick with dating apps after finding a potential partner is their persuasive design and excessive swiping (which focuses more on instant gratification and self-esteem assessments than on connecting).
App developers and designers intentionally apply behavioral psychology to create habitual behaviors in users.
The longer you engage in actions like swiping, matching, and commenting, the more likely you are to continue using the service.
These techniques tap into your brain chemicals, delivering explosive spikes of dopamine that either make you feel good or temporarily soothe negative emotions.
Unfortunately, using our smartphones or consuming social media doesn't help us erase negative emotions; in fact, it makes the problem worse.
The constant dopamine rush and quick fixes have also been shown to numb people's emotions.
Dating apps don't care whether we find love or not, and they don't care if we experience trauma after meeting someone online.
They only care about keeping us on their apps as long as possible.
--- p.329~330

Putting your words into action will help you become the best version of yourself.
The important thing is to take ownership of how you think and relate to others.
Today's technological advancements and lifestyles have made it easier for us to be independent and move through default settings.
Let's improve the way we think and the quality of our relationships by being more reflective and becoming better people.
As we improve our interactions with others, let's relearn what it means to survive as a human being in a digital society.
And hopefully, let's make this world a better place to live in.
Only positive intentions can create change.

--- p.444