Entering | Your expectations are instinctive

Chapter 1: Excessive Expectations Make You Suffer

The anticipation can't be stopped
We expect it thousands of times a day
Why do we wish for it so often and so much?
If you want to respond to other people's wishes
The opposite of expectation is indifference
Expecting a reward is demanding.
Expectations are the foundation of relationships.

Chapter 2: Why Your Expectations Won't Be Reached

If you don't tell me, I won't know
Put your expectations into numbers
Four Ways to Express Wind
Don't keep it inside, let it out.
The ultimate goal is everyone's happiness
Don't confuse expectations with arguments.
Appropriate expectations create a smooth relationship.

Chapter 3: Practice Not Expecting from People

[Beginner's level]
Humans are not interested in others.
No matter how much you say, only 25 percent gets through.
Set your expectations
Expect nothing in return.
The less you wish for something, the more at ease you feel.
Control the intensity of your speech
[Intermediate Level]
Don't take words at face value
Think from that person's perspective
Don't hold promises hostage
There is a reason why I didn't do it.
[Advanced]
Original expectations are not fulfilled
Let go of the misconception that everything is a mess
Express gratitude for unmerited kindness
Don't misunderstand other people's expectations

Chapter 4: How to Reduce Expectations and Maintain Relationships

The speech patterns of people who are swayed by expectations
Practice self-talk to keep yourself in check
Self-Questioning to Avoid Excessive Expectations
The art of conversation that avoids misunderstandings at work
Respectful speech habits for office workers
Things to keep in mind to be a happy couple
Even between parents and children, they should speak with care.
The closer your friends are, the more you should avoid being too formal.
The power of words to deepen your feelings with your lover
Communication that smooths out relationships
How to Stay Stable When Expectations Are Betrayed
Self-care that heals my high expectations

Chapter 5: Building Better Relationships Using Expectations

When your expectations are shattered, start again
Relationship Skills for Healing a Tired Mind
Building relationships starts with listening.
Be conscious of the gesture of neutrality
A skill that brings out even the innermost feelings
Instead of saying you know everything
Always end conversations on a positive note
Sometimes, let's enjoy a shocking conversation.
Multitasking hinders healthy relationships.
Let's make the joy of anticipation our driving force.

Coming out | Living with a heart that expects and supports each other

“The more you expect from people, the more difficult life becomes. The more you reduce your expectations, the smoother your relationships become!”
- An emotional regulation solution for those who no longer want to be hurt by others.

It is said that humans make up to 35,000 decisions a day.
From what time to wake up to what to wear, what to have for lunch, and what TV program to watch, the day is filled with decisions about what to do and how to do it.
So how many expectations do we have each day? From expectations for things we can't change, like the weather, to the expectation that a friend will respond quickly, to the expectation that someone will be kind when we're lost, to the expectation that a business meeting will end successfully—we expect thousands of times a day, and behind those expectations, there's always someone other than ourselves.
In this way, expectations and human relationships are inextricably linked, and they are also the cause of hurt and disappointment at work, at home, and in relationships with friends or lovers.

Kentaro Hayashi, author of the new book “Don’t Expect Too Much and Get Hurt,” says:
All humans live their lives building up small expectations every day, and most of them are 'betrayed' by those expectations.
However, expectations are a human instinct and cannot be forcibly controlled.
True happiness comes when you develop the habit of not expecting too much, take control of your life, build better relationships, and improve your quality of life.
The author, who has helped over 20,000 people over the past 15 years, believes that "the higher your expectations, the more difficult your relationships become," and has included in this book the know-how for managing emotions for balanced relationships and conversation techniques for creating a solid daily life.
Through this book, you will learn how to manage excessive expectations, reduce the negative emotions that come when expectations are betrayed, and live life wisely and proactively.

“If you don’t say exactly what you want, it will never happen!”
- From accurate contextual language to the developmental stages of expectations, the standard for clear expression without misunderstanding.

Anticipation is more of a feeling that arises without our knowledge than a rational thought.
It makes us excited and sad, and makes us experience both positive and negative emotions.
The essence of expectation is the desire to coexist with others, such as the desire to do better, the desire to cooperate and achieve something, and the dream of being happy together.
When expectations are placed on anyone, a desire to live up to them arises.
Not expecting anything from the other person is indifference, and expecting compensation with an inherent cost-benefit calculation is a demand.
Expectations, on the other hand, aim for mutual happiness.
If we understand these differences and use them effectively, expectations can serve as a lubricant in our everyday relationships.

So why aren't your expectations met? The author first focuses on "implicitness," a characteristic of Asian languages.
In the West, people use low-context speech, which conveys what they want directly, but in the East, they use high-context speech, which is a way of hoping that the other person will understand without saying anything directly, which can lead to misunderstandings.
To avoid this situation, a process of adjusting each person's expectations to each other's expectations is necessary through 'calibration', which concretizes expectations into numbers.
For example, instead of telling your child, “Put your toys away,” express specific dates, goals, and expectations by saying, “Could you please put all the toys on the desk in the box before you eat?”

Meanwhile, the author highlights four developmental stages that convey expectations.
Step 1 is to express the desire directly, and step 2 forces a dichotomous answer.
Stage 3 is guessing and giving up or giving in, and the final stage 4 is relationship-centered communication that adjusts expectations based on consideration and respect.
If you understand these four stages and communicate at the four-stage level, you will be able to create healthy relationships without conflict.

“On the attitude and principles you need to have if you want to have comfortable relationships.”
- Self-talk and self-care that puts the brakes on emotions, and conversations that are not swayed by expectations

Now that you understand what your expectations are and why they don't come true, it's time to change your mindset to stop expecting too much.
As an alternative, the author proposes 'level-based training that is not swayed by expectations.'
First, in the beginner's section, we point out that only 25 percent of our expectations are conveyed to the other person.
Divide expectations into high, middle, and low dreams according to level, and prepare for the worst-case scenario in case expectations are not met.
Meanwhile, the intermediate level emphasizes the attitude of not taking words at face value and considering the other person's perspective, while the advanced level suggests accepting the fact that "original expectations are not fulfilled" and abandoning the negative attitude of arbitrarily mistaking others' expectations.

To avoid relying on expectations, take time for 'self-care' to explore your inner self and find the true desires that lie dormant deep within your heart, then engage in 'self-talk' to put the brakes on your emotions.
It is a process of asking yourself whether you are misunderstanding the other person's expectations and whether your expectations are helpful to the relationship.
Through this, we understand the nature of expectations and apply them to conversation.
In the workplace, it is recommended to express expectations accurately using contextual language to reduce misunderstandings, and between couples or families, find common ground in expectations through calibration.
Express your feelings honestly to your friends and lovers and maintain balance in your relationships by 'meeting expectations'.
The author suggests that we should create healthy relationships through communication that resolves these relationships, and that we should first manage our emotions when our expectations are betrayed.

“The moment you turn expectations into the driving force of your life, your relationships become a fence that supports you!”
- For the moment when expectations become an opportunity for connection, not hurt and disappointment.

When expectations are shattered, I feel like everything is over and I am alone.
But rather than blaming your misaligned mind right then and there, you need to change the relationship in a different way for a better future.
The author introduces the TTOK law of 'Turn in', 'Take note', 'Open up', and 'Keep listening' as conversation techniques that manage expectations.
To build a relationship, you need to express your expectations clearly and be aware of the other person's desires and walk together with them.
If you give your full attention to the person you're talking to and make the joy of sharing expectations the driving force of your life, you'll not only create better relationships, but you'll also develop an invincible attitude that will transform your own life.

Expectations don't always lead to disappointment and hurt.
Sometimes it also brings excitement and happiness.
Meeting someone who has expectations for me and whom I can look forward to could be an opportunity to meet a lifelong partner.
As the author says, “The foundation for building better relationships through expectations may be to begin with a feeling of gratitude toward the person who has expectations of you.”

"Don't Expect and Get Hurt Alone" teaches us that expectations are an instinct that "move life," and how to use that energy to create a bridge of connection rather than a wall in relationships.
If your hurt and disappointment stemmed from your expectations of how you would get along with the other person, I hope this book will help you manage those expectations, create a fulfilling and healthy relationship, and empower you to move forward without fear of failure.