“It will completely change all your relationships!”
Adam Grant (author of Give and Take)

The magical word that can change your relationship: 'Acceptance'
8 Empathy Formulas You Can Learn and Use Right Away

★Amazon Bestseller in Human Relationships
★Selected as the [Best Course] for the 12-Week Personal Growth Program for Google Employees

"Why do I feel comfortable around some people and always feel nervous around others?" There's a technique that's often taught first and foremost in countless therapy sessions, parenting workshops, and corporate training.
This technology, which was adopted by Silicon Valley's top companies, brought about changes that exceeded management's expectations and was proven in real-life cases where it saved the life of a client at risk of suicide.


The reason why conflicts are frequent and relationships are uncomfortable is, surprisingly, because of one thing: the lack of 'recognition'.
Simply accepting the other person's feelings as they are will reduce conflict, deepen trust, and make the relationship much more comfortable.
True understanding naturally opens the other person's heart and makes them listen to what you have to say.
Verbal rewards like recognition and empathy generate far more powerful intrinsic motivation than awards or monetary rewards.
In organizations in particular, this 'technology of recognition' has been shown to increase work engagement by more than three times.


"The Art of Validation" is a practical guide that explains the principles of "validation," which work like magic in human relationships, based on insights from psychology and behavioral science.
The author's clinical experience at Stanford and Duke universities, as well as proven case studies from Silicon Valley corporate training, have earned him a high level of expertise and credibility, enough to be selected as a "Best Course" by Google's 12-Week Personal Growth Program.
It covers in depth not only how to read the other person's emotions and build trust, but also the process of 'self-acceptance', which is to affirm and accept oneself.


The author introduces eight simple yet powerful practical techniques for unblocking the flow of relationships while simultaneously accepting others' words and feelings.
Reflecting the realities of Korean society, it presents concrete and practical solutions that can be applied immediately to conflict situations encountered in everyday life, such as at home, at work, and during childcare.

Learning the art of recognition felt like finding a puzzle piece I didn't even know I had lost.
It's as if I've found the key to the whole picture.
Soon after learning this skill, I realized that the sensitivity that had plagued me my entire life could actually be a force that saved others.
The 'magic' that I had been pursuing my entire life was actually a simple technique that anyone could learn.
The more I practiced this, the more proficient I became, and the more deeply I was able to connect with myself and others.
As time passed, my perspective on emotions and the distance between myself and them changed.
My sensitivity, which I had always wanted to hide, blossomed into a special talent that soothed the hearts of others through this technique.

---From the "Introductory Note"

About ten years after learning this skill, I made it my life's calling to share this valuable skill with more people.
In the process, I've seen people use this technology to revive broken marriages, rebuild relationships between parents and children, and even save lives (I'll tell you about some of these later).
Now, I teach this technique first and foremost, whether it's in psychotherapy, parenting workshops, or corporate training.
When I was asked to lead a 12-week course on interpersonal skills for 100 employees at one of Silicon Valley's top five companies, I devoted a full third of my time to this technical training.
The course's success far exceeded management's expectations, and the most common request I received after the lecture was for a book to be written solely on this technology.
---From the "Introductory Note"

Human experience is made up of emotions, thoughts, and actions.
The important thing is that we don't have to acknowledge every aspect of a person's experience.
We tend to be more drawn to the negative aspects or things we don't understand about others.
This is due to human 'negative bias'.
But true recognition begins by moving beyond such biases and finding a 'piece of truth' within the other person's experience.
The piece doesn't have to be very large.
All you have to do is find the link that will allow you to understand why that person thought that way, why he felt that way, and why he acted that way.
If you're having trouble finding even that piece, think about it this way:
“If that person thinks that way, is that behavior understandable?” If someone believes that radiation has spread in their city, collecting evidence to protest to the government is a perfectly understandable response.

---From "Chapter 3: Eyes that See the Invisible"

When Matt Sakaguchi moved to a new team at Google, he wanted to avoid the interpersonal problems he had experienced on his previous team.
As a performance-oriented Googler, he consulted with experts to create a healthy team culture.
The experts he found were Google's "Project Aristotle Team," an internal organization that studies the core characteristics of high-performing teams.
Having analyzed hundreds of teams and possessing vast amounts of data, they advised Sakaguchi to first assess the team's current state.
They distributed the questionnaire they provided to their team members, and they probably secretly found it annoying, thinking it was just another questionnaire.


Sakaguchi believed his team had strong teamwork, but the survey results were different from his expectations.
So, true to his performance-oriented leadership, he decided to spend the entire day outside the office discussing the results with his team.
He relieved the tension in a unique way.
It was suggested that each person express their life journey through a drawing.
As the first presenter, instead of sharing a typical success story, he opened up about his stage 4 cancer diagnosis and his struggles with the disease.
He shared that he had been working at Google for the past five years and had been receiving treatment, and that he had recently discovered abnormalities in his liver and was concerned that a relapse was possible.


Sakaguchi's confession goes beyond a simple personal narrative, reminding us that everyone lives their own lives outside of work.
In the presentations that followed, instead of the flashy images posted on social media, real stories containing the patterns of each person's life were told through pictures.
He realized that the team's superficial performance alone could not be used to understand the real problem, and he believed that the same would be true on an individual level.
His prediction was correct.
He created a psychological space where his team members could express themselves freely and honestly, and in the process, their understanding of each other deepened.

In a later interview, Sakaguchi said:
“I created this space because I wanted to see if hearing someone’s honest story would lead people to see them as a complete person, not just a colleague.
In fact, after that, we came to understand each other as human beings beyond our work relationship.
Through these in-depth conversations, we were able to naturally discuss ways to improve teamwork.
After about a month, the team's communication style changed, and it ended up being the best team I've ever had at Google.”
---From "Chapter 17: The Leader Who Recognizes Wins"

Self-understanding protects us from the negative emotions that naturally arise when the world assumes your feelings are “wrong.”
An example is the loss of identity experienced during the 72 hours following cancer treatment.
At this time, I feel as if I have left my body and am observing myself.
As Matt can attest, even I, a psychologist, have a hard time accurately describing this sensation.
If I had to describe it, I would say it's a mixture of anxious agitation and a sense of self-dissociation.
At times like this, cats are no longer cute, comedy becomes annoying, and everything feels boring.
Rather than becoming depressed or indifferent, I just become numb.
The only proof that I am me is that I am aware that I am not my usual self.


Nowhere in the chemotherapy side effect guide my oncologist gave me did it say anything about kittens suddenly becoming less cute.
When talking about this loss of identity, the medical staff quickly changed the subject, saying, “This is the first time I’ve heard of it.”
In other words, it was no different from saying, “That’s not normal.”

If I didn't have self-understanding, I would have doubted myself.
"Is it the chemotherapy? Or is there something wrong with me?" But I understood the validity of my feelings, and I trusted my experience more than others.
Thanks to this, I was able to avoid falling into the swamp of self-denial.
In the past, I might have thought my reaction was excessive, or I might have simply accepted society's view of women's medical symptoms as trivial.
But now I know I have the right to tell you exactly what I'm going through.
If I can feel this way and not be lonely in it, then others can too.

So self-understanding is important.
As mentioned in Chapter 18, self-understanding improves self-esteem, self-compassion, and your relationship with yourself.
As relationships deepen, trust grows.
The point I want to emphasize is that as we understand ourselves better, we can more easily trust our judgments and experiences, and thus be able to accept the opinions of others without confusion or negativity.

---From the “Conclusion”