Name: To us who are starting to love
Brand: LIBRAIRIE COREENNE
SKU: 134241
Price: 27.00 EUR
Availability: InStock

To us who are starting to love

€27,00

To us who are starting to love

Description

Book Introduction

50 Relationship Skills from 20 Years of Romance
Encounters of practice, misunderstanding, learning, and wounds
The story of love and its record

“Writing and love are permanent energies that don’t require money.”

Taiwanese author Chen Xue, who has loved and written all her life, places equal importance on love and writing.
He always found nourishment in love to become a writer, and in his writing, two lovers are always intertwined and bloom like flowers.
If the guide to writing written by Tian Xue is “Only for Writing,” then the book that grew up alongside him like twins is “To Us Who Begin to Love.”
This book presents readers with 50 exercises related to the art of love.

This book covers 20 years of love between when Tian Xue began her relationship and when she reunited with Zhao Chanren.
Tian Xue married her same-sex lover, Zhao Chanren.
Some readers may have encountered the couple's small daily lives through their cohabitation diary, "Ten Years of Living Together," but the two were actually reunited, and since they had been separated for a long time and each dated other people, they thought they would never meet again.

Tian Xue has never once taken a break from love.
It's not because she's attractive or has great dating skills.
Tian Xue's existential situation was one of great deprivation and desolate anxiety, and he could not bear it without someone by his side.
She had been preoccupied with survival for so long with low self-esteem that she didn't push away anyone who approached her warmly.
Some of those relationships were practice, a source of misunderstanding, a wound and a path to learning.
Yet, love always has its own uniqueness, and even though it fails every time, it makes you want to repeat it.
This book is a record of love and technology based on 100% experience.

People think that love is an emotion, so it must be impulsive and spontaneous.
Moreover, it is like fate because an object enters me and merges with me.
But love has the property of growing as it swallows time.
The two people build their love through trial and error, effort, and skill on the coordinates of time.
Tian Xue suggests that we look at this as a practice or methodology.

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Into the book

Someone says.
“Not loving is also a kind of love.” This awkward phrase is the last desperate attempt to “not get hurt” when two people lack the ability to continue their love.
Sometimes, losing contact and losing news is a form of love that appears in unavoidable situations.
--- pp.19-20

Even if there is a shred of goodwill left in your heart, now is not the time to be concerned about the other person's feelings.
What you need is a 'diving ride'.

Yes, you will know after a while.
The reason you feel hurt is not because you were deceived by your lover.
Because I lacked confidence but had too much pride.
Because you yourself were weak.
--- pp.20-21

If you're in a long-distance relationship, you need to spend more time together.
You need to immerse yourself in the little things in life like walking, shopping, exercising, and eating, get to know the other person's friends and family, and understand their work, hobbies, and even their outlook on life.
Because that is the 'full life' of the person you have come to love.
--- p.31

I think it's possible to be friends with an ex, but it's not something that can be rushed, simple, or expected.
--- p.67

Even if you have a loving heart, your ability to love is limited, but that doesn't mean you should doubt love.

“Just because you have a lover doesn’t mean he or she has to stay by your side.” “You have to solve the problem of loneliness in your heart yourself.
--- p.80

Expectation exaggerates a grain of rice into a bowl of rice.
--- p.124

Trust is believing in the other person's personal characteristics.
For example, a tacit understanding between you and your partner about your feelings might be based on "I promise to do the best I can" and "I promise to be honest with you if I start liking someone else."
--- p.133

The most crucial moment in a relationship is when you shift your mind from 'spying for signs of love' to 'understanding the true feelings deep inside the other person's heart.'
--- p.135

I don't want to train myself to the point where I won't get hurt.
--- p.141

Loving freely is not a process of repeating the same mistakes over and over again and heading towards failure.
Love is so precious and valuable, but we must be careful, as if we were standing on the edge of a cliff or walking on thin ice.

But that's not 'reading the mood'.
Being cautious, polite, cautious, and concerned is not about trying to please others; it is the exact opposite.
It is an attitude of gradually learning how to love and be loved properly ‘within my abilities’ without losing my sense of alertness and with ‘freedom’ and ‘confidence’ as prerequisites.
--- pp.162-163

It's a story about a love affair I had when I was young.
I met W right after ending a relationship that had left me physically and emotionally wounded.
I was lonely, so I coveted the sweetness and loveliness of the other person, and I immediately agreed to date W.

But the more I got to know W, the more I quickly realized that he was an unacceptable person.
It was so, so hard when we started doing it together.
When they fought, waves so strong that they seemed to swallow up the sky rose.
W would become depressed and then violent and manic, and later I had to see a psychiatrist.
Those feelings were entangled for a year and a half, and there were many serious conflicts and threats (W tried to harm herself or others).
--- pp.165-166

The most obvious mistake is to think that the words 'I love you' mean 'I will never leave your side for the rest of my life' or 'I will take care of you forever.'
Even if the other person promises to take care of me, I should be grateful for their intention (even if it doesn't come true, the sincerity of that intention is not damaged) and take better care of myself.

--- p.171

Publisher's Review

Love is the most rigorous self-awareness

“In the quiet night, you resist the urge to send him a message.
Instead, I am writing a diary for the first time since becoming an adult.” If you are in love, it is better to suppress the urge to text the other person and look inside yourself and write.
Relationships are a tightrope walk.
Although the other person is an object on which I can pour out my emotions, it is often unsafe.

The key point that Tian Xue emphasizes throughout this book is that “love is a reflection of myself.”
Love is the most rigorous process of self-awareness.
Am I considerate and accommodating to others? But sometimes, consideration is just another way of saying, "I'm afraid of losing them," or "I'm afraid they won't like me for who I am."

When he started dating, Chen Xue put aside his own desires in order to check on his partner's feelings, and he would belittle himself even if his lover seemed slightly upset.
The conclusion I came to after all these years is, “Let’s not try to match it.”
Being cautious and concerned about others is not about trying to please them.
That would only push him away from me.

First impressions are never wrong.

The core of love is supported by first feelings.
First impressions are never wrong.
Everything else is no different from any other human relationship.
Skills can be learned, relationships can be adapted.
But excitement is not something that can be achieved through effort.
This book suggests that, since it is not easy to meet someone destined to be, if there is still excitement left in the relationship even if it is not as good as it used to be, the two of you should work together to shine a light on the worn-out parts.

A wounded person is the most dangerous lover

Anxiety makes you fall in love.
A person with a void is constantly looking for someone to fill it.
But the most dangerous romantic partners are the ones who are hurt, and the ones who are full of holes or lack confidence cannot be saved by others.
My lover is never the one who heals me.

There was always a big hole in Tian Xue's heart.
So I longed for a relationship, but when the other person started showing affection towards me, I felt suffocated and ran away.
Their relationship was always built on a path that left their hearts wandering, and Tian Xue's self-loathing grew deeper and deeper.
I lived like that until I was forty-two, never once able to shake off my anxiety.

But when I'm anxious, I have to refuse to love or rely on anyone.
When her body and mind were weak, Tian Xue cooked for herself and stopped relying on her lover as if she were quitting drugs.
When offered to take care of her, she declined.
Because I knew that I couldn't keep that love without an independent personality.

Why You Should Love Even Those Who Live Alone

Some people ask if I really need to date since I've learned how to live alone and I'm fine with it.
This book encourages love for the sake of an act called 'devotion'.
In other words, love is not something done out of necessity.

The dedication of others transforms me into a confident person.
Also, the dedication we pour out is reflected in our bodies when we wake up.

Devotion is different from consideration.
What Chen Xue is constantly on guard against is a situation where consideration turns into absolute power.
In other words, the moment it turns into a balancing act of emotions, saying, “I care about you so much, why don’t you care about me?”, that becomes the first sign of the collapse of love.

Love is sharing everyday life

Love is sharing everyday life.
Of course, you can cohabitate or not.
Chen Xue says cohabitation is like an 'organ transplant'.
Because first you have to find the right partner, and then you have to eliminate the rejection.

In the poor times, when Chen Xue fell in love with someone, she would usually live with her partner to save on rent.
But the seeds of unhappiness, such as dating violence and obsession, inevitably sprouted.
Whenever Tian Xue went to the countryside to do business or to give lectures and book talks, his lover became anxious, and so the two became unhappy.

Still, 'being together' is an irreplaceable way of dating.
This means that two people open up to each other and melt into each other's world.
When we are together, we not only get to see each other better, but we also get to know ourselves better.
My narrow-mindedness and shortcomings are more clearly revealed.
Therefore, togetherness must be slow and delicate.
This means that you want more 'contact' than physical love.
In other words, getting to know the other person's life completely is a broader and deeper love.

The enemy of understanding is a wounded imagination

This book emphasizes that love is a process of getting to know 'myself'.
Tian Xue defines ‘understanding’ differently.
“‘Understanding’ is learning to understand others while being surprised to discover that the most difficult thing to understand is oneself.”

Meanwhile, the enemy of understanding is 'wounded imagination'.
The wounded person develops misunderstandings in his head, making inferences and engaging in absurd internal dramas.
In other words, although imagination and consideration are good words, they can be poisonous in a relationship.
Expectations are the same.
Expectations are “the root and sprout of resentment and blame, the assassin of love and marriage.”

When you're in a relationship, understanding and respecting your partner is tantamount to choosing to be 'unsafe.'
That means you have to embrace things about the other person that you don't like or that make you uncomfortable, and give up your own sense of security.
Especially since a lover is not an object to be 'controlled', you have to give up your own sense of security and give the other person as much freedom as possible.

A person who is treated carelessly and does not get hurt

A person who is treated carelessly and a person who is not hurt (strong) may be synonymous.
When Chen Xue was in a relationship, he was put in both positions, and he realized that although they looked different on the outside, they were ultimately the same self-defense.
In his youth, Tian Xue was often fascinated by the 'strong', unable to distinguish between admiration, recognition, desire, and love.
The strong person he envisioned was someone who was good at sports, had artistic talent, and had a wealth of life experience.
When I was blinded by love, I desperately tried to hold on to that strong person, but at some point, I realized that they were treating me carelessly.
In the end, both sides were hurt, but the lesson was planted, albeit twisted.
In other words, the cycle of Tian Xue himself becoming strong and beating or abandoning others was repeated.

The reason we give our hearts to others is not to be protected.
Because only by giving completely can we truly encounter the lives of others.
Through the process of experiencing things that are “unguaranteed, unpredictable, bound to hurt, and bound to disappoint,” we gradually learn to become stronger.

The Right Way to End a Love

Breakups are also a part of love, but people don't give much advice about them.
Having experienced several breakups, Chen Xue speaks about the art of breaking up, saying, “Not loving is also a kind of love.”
One time I witnessed my lover with someone else.
Anger was building up and there was no way out.
This book recommends 'diving' to people in this situation.
Even if you still have feelings for him, you have to do it.
You can respond directly.
“Let it explode in your head.
Let's shatter all self-defense, all manner of manners, all reason, all gentleness, and so on." Then, that love will slowly wither and fall away.