For mothers who are confused by their teenage sons' rebellion, talking back, and anger outbursts

“To relieve the mother’s anxiety and maintain her relationship with her son,
“We must develop the strength to understand and endure the changes that occur during puberty.”

My son's puberty started suddenly and explosively one day at a time.
Talking back, rebelling, and outbursts of anger… your teenage son will startle his parents with behaviors he's never done before, breaking down rules he's always followed, and defying his parents' authority.
It is difficult to persuade through conversation, so I cannot bring myself to control it.
Especially since mothers are women, they often have difficulty understanding their sons' characteristics.


《My Son's Puberty That Mom Never Knew》 is a book for parents who are bewildered by the sudden changes in their teenage sons.
The author of this book, Park Hyeong-ran, invites parents into the incomprehensible world of their adolescent sons, drawing on her experience raising two sons and teaching boys as a public middle school teacher for 33 years.
The author says that, above all, to understand your teenage son, you need to understand the changes that occur in his brain.
Because such knowledge prevents us from hastily evaluating our son's behavior as extreme and abnormal.
Also, if you look at your son's internal situation and think about where he is in his long life, you will be able to respond to his changes with more courage and with a longer-term perspective.

From a parent's perspective, there is no way to know what is inside a son like this.
How can I get my son back to being the obedient, lovable son he once was? The short answer is: there's no answer.
The son has already crossed the river of no return and is opening a new chapter and stage in his life.
Parents' hearts only become sad when they reminisce about their children's playful and cute childhood.
But there is hope.
First of all, parents need to look back on themselves.
If you think about whether there were any factors that made your son anxious, such as too much nagging at home, too much control, or parents fighting in front of the children, you may find a clue to the solution.

--- pp.32~33

Yelling is a no-no when raising a son.
Even if you yell, you should not hit him, but wait until your son has finished yelling, and then after some time, suddenly speak to him as if appealing.
At this time, the parents speak honestly about their feelings as if they were the weaker party.
Although the mood fluctuates from day to day depending on the behavior of the son, the parents should always maintain their composure and treat their son as if nothing is wrong.
This is because the son is observing how his parents react to his actions.
--- pp.35~36

In many families, especially mothers, who have given birth to and raised their sons, protect their teenage sons as if they were children and try to help them with the same care they have always given to them.
But the more you do that, the more your son will become rougher and less talkative.
During this period, the mother needs to make an effort to separate from her son.
What a son needs is not his mother's care, but the training and direction of a grown man.
Of course, that adult man must be someone the son can respect and trust.
This will allow you to channel the violent energy of testosterone that affects your son in a positive way.
You can develop your potential and focus on activities that are encouraged by society.
The most representative example is sports activities.

--- p.51

If you react to every single act of rebellion, your son will rebel more often, more intensely, and without reflection.
Inside my son, there is a child who throws tantrums as a child.
If you keep accepting these kinds of things, your child will grow up to be a big adult and will have difficulty growing properly.
Even if it is just a little difficult, they will try to get what they want through rebellion.
Imagine a son who keeps throwing rocks into the lake and then stops because no matter how many times he throws rocks, there is no sign of anything.
Parents should be like a wide and calm lake, providing ample space for their sons to swim, throw stones, or ride a boat.
If you try to do that, your son's rebellion will become less frequent and more intense than before.

--- p.57

A teenage boy is confused about his identity.
He endlessly explores whether his actions are right.
This is why adults must respond decisively.
At that moment, you may not agree with what the adult says, but you will think carefully and make a decision.
The real thing to be wary of is talking so loudly that it makes your ears ache.
Parents should discuss their standards, especially regarding sexual issues during adolescence, situations where there is a risk of violence, or issues with friends with bad habits.
(…) This does not mean that you should raise your son in a locked-up manner or restrict him with nagging.
It is necessary to allow it, but clearly state the limits.

--- p.59

In the case of mothers, when their docile sons rebel, they are easily overwhelmed by the momentum and may resort to asking or relying on their father to correct his behavior, but this is absolutely forbidden.
Because if a mother delegates and leaves authority to the father, she will no longer be able to influence her son.
There is no need to worry too much even if your son shows a tendency to place importance on hierarchy.
The reason boys rank themselves is because it is innately natural for them to compete and grow with each other.

--- pp.75~76

The secret to getting your son to chase his goals with sparkling eyes is to find something he's crazy about.
Parents should help them find it.
When teenage boys are having fun, they become so absorbed in something that they lose track of time.
The subject could be a subject like math or science, or it could be a field unrelated to grades.
The role of parents is to help their sons find what they like.
Let's watch and support our son as he finds his own way and takes each step according to his innate talent.

--- p.87

Speak to your son firmly and in a low tone.
And then look them straight in the eye, get close, and talk directly to them.
Under no circumstances should you show weakness.
Speak with confidence in your own thoughts.
First, listen until the end.
Listen carefully, but show that you are listening with body language such as eye contact or nodding.

--- p.145

Parents should not push their sons into a corner where they react in an extreme way.
Don't talk about your son's behavior as if it were unfilial conduct or a problem behavior.
When your son does something extreme or attempts something like that, it is best to stop him immediately by saying, “I was definitely wrong.”
When my son is angry, he is incapable of rational conversation.
When my son gets excited, he has trouble hearing.
In times like these, the most foolish parent is the one who speaks in a scolding tone, saying that they will teach their child.

--- p.146

Teenage sons want to make important decisions on their own and are embarrassed by their parents' behavior when they express their love for them.
Even if you offer to drive them to school, they will refuse, even if you buy them clothes, and even if you offer to help them with their homework, they will refuse.
This is not an attempt to distance oneself from one's parents, but rather an attempt to grow into an independent adult.
So, “If you need help, just let me know.
You can just say, “I’ll help you.”
These words kill two birds with one stone.
Because it conveys the message to your son, 'I love you and care about you,' while building a supportive relationship.

--- p.173