Psychology for people who hold on to things they should let go of, or easily let go of things they should hold on to.
This book explores the personality traits of dependent and avoidant tendencies.
People with strong dependency tend to hold on to relationships, emotions, and a need for recognition to reduce their anxiety.
On the other hand, people with avoidant tendencies let go of things they need to hold on to, such as responsibility, intimacy, choice, and self-esteem.
This book aims to understand the complex workings of dependence and avoidance, and to restore the balance between them so that we can become comfortable and free.
As a psychologist and therapist who is trusted by clients for his insightful reading of emotions and the unconscious, the author helps them cultivate the strength to face the joys and sorrows of life and existential pain as they are.
This book is the culmination of my research and training, as well as my clinical treatment of over 3,000 patients, which have led me to a perspective that integrates the conscious and unconscious mind. This book is a compilation of personality psychology theories and psychological techniques.

Moments when life becomes difficult usually come when the balance is lost.
Unresolved emotions collide in my heart, and the wounds of repeated relationships shake me.
Things you want to do but don't want to, things you like but hate, things you're attracted to but are afraid of at the same time.
Everyone has these ambivalent feelings.
The problem is when this condition repeats itself almost constantly.
When our inner core is shaken and our thoughts and actions are not aligned, the confusion will have a negative impact not only on ourselves but also on others.
These imbalances are the remains of uncontrolled emotions and traces of unconscious conflicts.
To regain balance, we must ask ourselves:
'What am I holding on to right now?', 'Am I missing something I absolutely must hold on to?'
--- From the "Introductory Note"

Anxiety is not a defect.
It's the default in life.
You can live well even with anxiety.

Choosing to heal and grow ultimately means continually confronting my vulnerability.
There are times when you feel disappointed or afraid during the process.
Following values ​​inevitably carries the possibility of suffering.
Psychologist Stephen Hayes said in “Get Out of Your Mind, Get Into Your Life” that “walking in the direction of values ​​is not about feeling good, but about living good.”

--- From "Basic Checklist for a Mature Personality"

Dependency is not something to be suppressed or hidden.
When we acknowledge that we need someone, we no longer need to prove ourselves strong, but rather we can share a more human warmth and security.
When there is this recognition, the door to the world of the mind opens.


Our subconscious already knows.
That you avoided doing what was wrong for you, that is, having the courage to choose and take responsibility for it.
So, deep down inside, a feeling of unease remains and self-distrust grows.
Then, if I am not trusted, it will be difficult for me to take on challenges, be immersed, and achieve anything.
Even the small joys and gratitude of everyday life fade away.
The unconscious mind does not miss this state and sends signals to find oneself through uncomfortable feelings such as emptiness, futility, and depression.

--- From "Understanding Dependence"

"Why do I want to avoid something? What am I afraid of?" This is the question that begins the exploration.
Avoidance is not simply an escape from discomfort.
It might be an inner voice saying, 'I can't handle this part yet.'
Understanding what it means to want to avoid something and let go of it is what builds true courage.

--- From "Understanding Avoidance"

"I'm comfortable being alone." This voice cherishes the stability and freedom of being alone more than avoiding the discomfort that comes from interpersonal relationships.
But there is still a fear inside that 'if you get close, you will get hurt'.
While it may be true that you like being alone, it can sometimes act as a defense mechanism to avoid getting hurt.
Because of this, you may be blocking out the comfort and understanding that you really need.
'Am I really comfortable being alone, or do I want to avoid the burden of relationships?

If you have a habit of putting off decisions, it's important to accept that there is no such thing as a perfect choice.
Even if you make a wrong decision, there is usually a way to correct it.
And it's helpful to practice making decisions quickly by setting a time limit, such as 'making a decision in 3 minutes'.
It is a good way to reduce unnecessary worries and restore self-confidence.


When fear arises or self-criticism recur, positive self-talk can help manage anxiety and restore self-esteem.
Let's say to ourselves:
“I’m doing well enough now,” “This feeling will pass,” “Life is inherently difficult and complicated.
“Cheer up!” These words may seem simple and obvious, but they are the most fundamental resource that can comfort and restore me.
Let's not forget.
Trusting yourself is only possible within warm language directed towards me.

--- From "The Inner Voice Caught in Avoidance"

The desire for autonomy and independence is a human instinct inherent to everyone.
It's just that I've been suppressing it for a long time, or living without even realizing it.
Jung said that 'living my life' is the most important ethical duty given to human beings.
Therefore, ‘living my life’ is not just something ‘nice to do’, but something ‘must do’.
Are you perhaps living your life suppressing your desire to be happy, to love, and to live a better life?
Now is the time to accept all those feelings as valid and give back control of my life.

--- From "My Evasion Check"

Let's think of a seesaw with 'dependence' and 'independence' at either end.
Maintaining balance requires a moderate amount of flexibility.
However, if dependence is suppressed too much, the reaction will be a push towards independence.
Eventually the seesaw loses its balance.
The independence that emerges in this way is no longer a natural and flexible state, but rather a rigid and unnatural attitude.
Repressed desires tend to resurface in an exaggerated way.

--- From "The Psychology Hidden in Avoidance"

Life shows us the face it deserves based on how we treat ourselves.
So the world is like a mirror that reflects my heart.
When we look within ourselves honestly, reflect, and calmly accept our imperfections, life responds to that honesty and grows us.

--- From "Self-Awareness, Knowing Myself"

"Even if it's me, how could I possibly understand everything? That would feel like over-rationalizing and make me seem shameless."
Whenever I hear stories like this, I always respond like this.
“Yes, please understand unconditionally.
Even if I seem so foolish and weak, it's because I'm tired, scared, and lonely.
Don't blame them for their weaknesses, not their faults.
It's okay to be a little shameless.
“Please hug me warmly.”
The rest of me cannot understand unconditionally.
So, I must always understand myself first.
When we understand ourselves enough, we can then reflect on ourselves.
Self-understanding leads to self-reflection, and positive changes naturally occur.
That way, you build real power, not fake power.

We are all clumsy.
Ultimately, life is a process of moving from one problem to another, and in the process we are always inevitably immature and imperfect.
When we accept that we cannot avoid the big and small problems and suffering we face in life, we seek a better way even in the midst of difficulties.
Clumsiness itself is not the problem.
The problem is the fear and dislike of clumsiness.
We can't be good at anything from the beginning, and we improve little by little by making mistakes.

Self-hatred is simply a reaction of a certain personality (ego) within me.
For example, the perfectionist self might urge you, saying, "It's not enough yet," or the pushy self might become impatient, saying, "You can't stop now."
Everything these personalities do, ironically, is an attempt to 'protect me'.
Sometimes it's rough and painful, but it's what's right for me.
Even when we are overwhelmed by negative emotions, or when we feel like we have nothing to want and everything seems meaningless, the truth is that we have never completely let ourselves go.

--- From "What is a Mature Life"