The illusion of family
 |
Description
Book Introduction
- A word from MD
- [The need for ‘social distancing’ within the family] There is no relationship that can cause harm.
The same goes for family.
The idea that they will understand because they are family, or that everything will be okay because they are family, is just an illusion.
Rather, because we are family, we can look at things more objectively and treat each member as if they were other people, keeping a distance from each other, which can create true harmony in the family.
- Ahn Hyeon-jae, PD of Humanities
I must break the illusion called "family" to survive.
A Prescription for Those Who Hurt and Become Hurt in Close Relationships
“I get angry whenever I see my husband!”, “Why is my son like that?”, “I’m sick of my mom!” People who still feel lonely even when they are with their family, people who only explode with emotions at their family, people who pass on the pain of their original family… … .
Why do family members, who should be the closest, hurt each other so much?
This book emphasizes that in order for a wounded family to heal, they must let go of old beliefs they have held toward their family.
They say that the emotional wounds that arise from thinking of each other as 'my parents', 'my children', and 'my spouse' can be changed simply by redefining the relationship.
It is important to note that recovery is possible if you think of family as 'strangers' and maintain an appropriate 'distance'.
Numerous examples have proven that true family harmony and happiness arise from establishing oneself as an outsider within the family and treating other family members as outsiders.
As a psychiatrist, I have met many people who suffer from mental illness due to their family.
Violence committed within a family remains a serious problem, leaving deep, hidden scars.
In this book, the author examines how to recover from problems that arise between parents and children, wounds that arise between husbands and wives, and problems that arise between elderly parents and children.
A particularly noteworthy aspect of this book is its research on resolving conflicts based on an understanding of the elderly.
What exactly is family? Why do we suffer such pain from those who should be closest to us? This book sounds an alarm, declaring that the ideas we expect and imagine about family are delusions.
They say that problems cannot be solved with traditional family relationships, and that establishing new family relationships is important.
Anyone struggling with family ties will find sincere solutions and comfort in this book.
A Prescription for Those Who Hurt and Become Hurt in Close Relationships
“I get angry whenever I see my husband!”, “Why is my son like that?”, “I’m sick of my mom!” People who still feel lonely even when they are with their family, people who only explode with emotions at their family, people who pass on the pain of their original family… … .
Why do family members, who should be the closest, hurt each other so much?
This book emphasizes that in order for a wounded family to heal, they must let go of old beliefs they have held toward their family.
They say that the emotional wounds that arise from thinking of each other as 'my parents', 'my children', and 'my spouse' can be changed simply by redefining the relationship.
It is important to note that recovery is possible if you think of family as 'strangers' and maintain an appropriate 'distance'.
Numerous examples have proven that true family harmony and happiness arise from establishing oneself as an outsider within the family and treating other family members as outsiders.
As a psychiatrist, I have met many people who suffer from mental illness due to their family.
Violence committed within a family remains a serious problem, leaving deep, hidden scars.
In this book, the author examines how to recover from problems that arise between parents and children, wounds that arise between husbands and wives, and problems that arise between elderly parents and children.
A particularly noteworthy aspect of this book is its research on resolving conflicts based on an understanding of the elderly.
What exactly is family? Why do we suffer such pain from those who should be closest to us? This book sounds an alarm, declaring that the ideas we expect and imagine about family are delusions.
They say that problems cannot be solved with traditional family relationships, and that establishing new family relationships is important.
Anyone struggling with family ties will find sincere solutions and comfort in this book.
- You can preview some of the book's contents.
Preview
index
Recommendation
Entering_ The illusion that everything is okay because we are family
Chapter 1: The Illusion That Children Are 'Mine'
- The wounds inflicted on children because they are blood relatives
What happens when a child's mind is scarred: Identification with the aggressor
How did we become a 'silent family'? Communication barriers
Discrimination and hierarchy within families are even more frightening: the second daughter syndrome.
Parents comparing their children to each other_ Comparative evaluation
The first rivals born in the same boat_ Sibling rivalry
Parents and children are separate relationships_ Individualization
Raise a daughter who looks just like you_Ambivalence
Chapter 2: The Illusion That Couples Are 'One'
- The psychology of men and women bound by the name of love
Anyway, the words thrown out saying that we can't communicate_ Verbal violence
I wish my wife would take care of me like a mother_ Projector
A son is not a man who can replace a husband_Border
Which comes first - the in-laws or the in-laws? - Loss aversion psychology
A broken mirror can never be put back together_ The psychology of infidelity
When you feel like there's no more reason to endure_ Twilight Divorce
Chapter 3: The Illusion That Parents Are 'Adults'
- The emotional conflict that arises between elderly parents and their children
Take me anywhere_ Facility living syndrome
Understanding Aging Parents_ Aging
How to Care for Elderly Parents_ Elderly Depression
One day you may not recognize it_ Dementia
I should have contacted you at least every month_ Support
Chapter 4: Families Must See Them 'Anew' to Heal
- A process for restoring parent-child relationships
Where was your father then?_ Restoration of fatherhood
A bird that has flown away never returns_ Empty nest syndrome
What do you really want to say? The cocktail party effect
Children should also become independent from their parents_Respect
You have to look closely at what you want_ desire
Chapter 5: 'Family' but 'Strangers'
- About a happy family as independent beings
Loving family as strangers_ Family love
What Makes Us Happy_ Relationships
The person who needs the most conversation_ communication
There's not much time to love_ expression
Home is a school where we learn happiness_ Happiness
Coming out_ I need enough distance to miss my family
Entering_ The illusion that everything is okay because we are family
Chapter 1: The Illusion That Children Are 'Mine'
- The wounds inflicted on children because they are blood relatives
What happens when a child's mind is scarred: Identification with the aggressor
How did we become a 'silent family'? Communication barriers
Discrimination and hierarchy within families are even more frightening: the second daughter syndrome.
Parents comparing their children to each other_ Comparative evaluation
The first rivals born in the same boat_ Sibling rivalry
Parents and children are separate relationships_ Individualization
Raise a daughter who looks just like you_Ambivalence
Chapter 2: The Illusion That Couples Are 'One'
- The psychology of men and women bound by the name of love
Anyway, the words thrown out saying that we can't communicate_ Verbal violence
I wish my wife would take care of me like a mother_ Projector
A son is not a man who can replace a husband_Border
Which comes first - the in-laws or the in-laws? - Loss aversion psychology
A broken mirror can never be put back together_ The psychology of infidelity
When you feel like there's no more reason to endure_ Twilight Divorce
Chapter 3: The Illusion That Parents Are 'Adults'
- The emotional conflict that arises between elderly parents and their children
Take me anywhere_ Facility living syndrome
Understanding Aging Parents_ Aging
How to Care for Elderly Parents_ Elderly Depression
One day you may not recognize it_ Dementia
I should have contacted you at least every month_ Support
Chapter 4: Families Must See Them 'Anew' to Heal
- A process for restoring parent-child relationships
Where was your father then?_ Restoration of fatherhood
A bird that has flown away never returns_ Empty nest syndrome
What do you really want to say? The cocktail party effect
Children should also become independent from their parents_Respect
You have to look closely at what you want_ desire
Chapter 5: 'Family' but 'Strangers'
- About a happy family as independent beings
Loving family as strangers_ Family love
What Makes Us Happy_ Relationships
The person who needs the most conversation_ communication
There's not much time to love_ expression
Home is a school where we learn happiness_ Happiness
Coming out_ I need enough distance to miss my family
Detailed image
Into the book
If you report to the police or make a complaint that you were beaten by your father or abused by your mother, certain measures will be taken according to regulations.
The problem comes after that.
Parents who have to continue living with the child who reported them, and children who have to live with their parents again after reporting them because they couldn't bear it, there is no guarantee that the relationship will get better, if not worse, than before.
As a result, domestic violence is carried out in silence even though it causes fatal pain and leaves scars on a person.
--- p.21
It is difficult to create a happy family if there is hierarchy and discrimination.
If someone is having a hard time and suffering while someone else is having a good time, it is an unequal family, and it is difficult for happiness to blossom in such a family.
If the parents are a patriarchal father and a mother who favors her children, a hierarchy is established within the family and discrimination, big and small, takes place.
--- p.41
If you have a mental illness because you sacrificed for your family, you should think about why you sacrificed for your family.
Someone may have asked you to make the sacrifice first.
Your mother may have asked you to sacrifice for your younger sibling because you are the eldest.
When you're young, your parents' words are absolute and you may feel like you can't handle disobeying them.
But if you become an adult and independent, you don't need to listen to your parents even if it causes you pain.
Such sacrifices only increase the anger towards parents and siblings.
--- p.62
The unspoken conversation goes like this:
First, it is a word that ignores or belittles the other person.
“Why are you eating so groaningly? I told you it ruins your appetite.”
“You idiot, what if you just went straight? You should have turned left.
Oh my, I’m so frustrated!”
There is no one who would not be offended by such words.
If you want to tell someone to be quiet when eating or to pay attention to signs or traffic lights when driving, do so in a polite tone.
My spouse doesn't want to hear the things I don't want to hear.
“I’m glad you enjoyed the meal.
“It would be better if you eat while making a little less noise.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you first.
Drivers must check signs and traffic lights in advance.”
--- p.94
There is also a saying that “a husband finds a second mother in his wife, and a wife finds her first child in her husband.”
Many people agree with this statement, but this is where the conflict between the couple begins and tragedy is conceived.
--- p.103
The feelings of elderly parents who miss and long to see their children are the same no matter where in the world.
In the past, in the era of large families, elderly parents received not only material but also emotional support from their children.
However, with the advent of the nuclear family era, it has become difficult to expect the same material and emotional support as before.
The relationship between parents and children has become increasingly distant as times change.
Elderly parents in modern society must live in a vicious cycle of mental confusion and emotional conflict, including physical decline, alienation from family, and loneliness.
--- p.153
Intimacy between parents and children is not formed overnight.
The time you are not with your children when they need you the most cannot be brought back.
If a father now demands intimacy from his children, the children will ask:
“Where was your father at that time?”
--- p.193
When my children become adults, I have to let them go from my heart.
Don't think that your children have flown away, think that you have sent them away.
Parents are the ones who train their children to fly on their own.
If you have raised and educated your children to the point where they can live on their own, you should let them live on their own.
--- p.204
A single careless word can leave an indelible scar on the hearts of parents and children.
It's better to give up the foolish idea that we can understand each other telepathically just because we share blood.
Rather, it is not uncommon for parents and children to not communicate at all, to just say whatever they want and then give up, and to have their words spit out without thinking like a knife in the heart.
The problem comes after that.
Parents who have to continue living with the child who reported them, and children who have to live with their parents again after reporting them because they couldn't bear it, there is no guarantee that the relationship will get better, if not worse, than before.
As a result, domestic violence is carried out in silence even though it causes fatal pain and leaves scars on a person.
--- p.21
It is difficult to create a happy family if there is hierarchy and discrimination.
If someone is having a hard time and suffering while someone else is having a good time, it is an unequal family, and it is difficult for happiness to blossom in such a family.
If the parents are a patriarchal father and a mother who favors her children, a hierarchy is established within the family and discrimination, big and small, takes place.
--- p.41
If you have a mental illness because you sacrificed for your family, you should think about why you sacrificed for your family.
Someone may have asked you to make the sacrifice first.
Your mother may have asked you to sacrifice for your younger sibling because you are the eldest.
When you're young, your parents' words are absolute and you may feel like you can't handle disobeying them.
But if you become an adult and independent, you don't need to listen to your parents even if it causes you pain.
Such sacrifices only increase the anger towards parents and siblings.
--- p.62
The unspoken conversation goes like this:
First, it is a word that ignores or belittles the other person.
“Why are you eating so groaningly? I told you it ruins your appetite.”
“You idiot, what if you just went straight? You should have turned left.
Oh my, I’m so frustrated!”
There is no one who would not be offended by such words.
If you want to tell someone to be quiet when eating or to pay attention to signs or traffic lights when driving, do so in a polite tone.
My spouse doesn't want to hear the things I don't want to hear.
“I’m glad you enjoyed the meal.
“It would be better if you eat while making a little less noise.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you first.
Drivers must check signs and traffic lights in advance.”
--- p.94
There is also a saying that “a husband finds a second mother in his wife, and a wife finds her first child in her husband.”
Many people agree with this statement, but this is where the conflict between the couple begins and tragedy is conceived.
--- p.103
The feelings of elderly parents who miss and long to see their children are the same no matter where in the world.
In the past, in the era of large families, elderly parents received not only material but also emotional support from their children.
However, with the advent of the nuclear family era, it has become difficult to expect the same material and emotional support as before.
The relationship between parents and children has become increasingly distant as times change.
Elderly parents in modern society must live in a vicious cycle of mental confusion and emotional conflict, including physical decline, alienation from family, and loneliness.
--- p.153
Intimacy between parents and children is not formed overnight.
The time you are not with your children when they need you the most cannot be brought back.
If a father now demands intimacy from his children, the children will ask:
“Where was your father at that time?”
--- p.193
When my children become adults, I have to let them go from my heart.
Don't think that your children have flown away, think that you have sent them away.
Parents are the ones who train their children to fly on their own.
If you have raised and educated your children to the point where they can live on their own, you should let them live on their own.
--- p.204
A single careless word can leave an indelible scar on the hearts of parents and children.
It's better to give up the foolish idea that we can understand each other telepathically just because we share blood.
Rather, it is not uncommon for parents and children to not communicate at all, to just say whatever they want and then give up, and to have their words spit out without thinking like a knife in the heart.
--- p.207
Publisher's Review
What makes a truly good family?
A book for today's families who need a new definition of family relationships.
These days, it's easy to find stories about family issues in various media.
As family variety shows featuring celebrities began to gain attention, there are now many programs featuring ordinary people who show their family problems in detail.
In particular, with the surge in television programs dealing with the topics of parenting and divorce, the true nature of family problems that were once considered to be solely the problem of couples is being revealed.
《The Illusion of Family》 focuses on 'family', which is essential in these times.
A psychiatrist deals with violence, abuse, distress, and conflict within the family, providing psychological diagnosis and solutions.
Based on various counseling cases, it covers the emotional burdens we must release and the efforts we must make to restore family relationships, including what happens to children, what happens between couples, and conflicts with elderly parents.
# The illusion that children are 'mine'
If we unconsciously hurt our own children, even though they are our own children and still know nothing, how will they grow up? This book vividly illustrates the problems that arise when parents establish a flawed relationship with their children.
The problems are numerous, such as comparing a child to other children, exposing the child to violence due to a bad relationship between parents, and not taking proper care of the child under the pretext of being busy with work.
Even if the child is born within you, you must establish a relationship with your child as if they were a stranger.
The reason is that if parents hurt their children, the children will pass on the same pain to their own children in the future.
Children who grow up feeling discouraged by being evaluated and competing with their peers will not be able to lead healthy lives in society.
# The illusion that a couple is 'one'
The thing that causes the most difficulty for a couple who have formed a relationship based on 'love' is, of course, betrayal of love.
Infidelity and selfishness drive couples apart.
And now that a couple who were strangers have met and become a family, they must be even more cautious and careful in their relationship.
Verbal abuse between couples, wrong demands based on false illusions, a desire to avoid any losses, and behaviors that break trust, such as infidelity, make couples unhappy.
If a couple is too close and inconsiderate, there are ways to change the way they address each other.
“Hey, come here.” → “Mr. ○○, will you come here?”
“Do you know what this is?” → “Mr. ○○, what do you think of this?”
The title includes formality and courtesy.
Using light titles makes the other person look down on you.
By the same token, polite addressing makes others treat you with respect.
This book not only addresses conversational skills, but also presents problematic situations for couples, such as relationships with in-laws and infidelity, and describes ways to become happy from various angles.
# The illusion that parents are 'adults'
As parents age, their children become the ones who must support them.
The author, an expert in family mental health and geriatric mental health, has developed a method for resolving conflicts based on an understanding of the elderly.
It makes me reflect on the feelings of my elderly parents who are getting older and depressed, and are always worried that they might get not only physical illness but also the scary disease called dementia.
This book contains the process of children understanding their elderly parents, accepting the process of caring for them, and restoring their relationship with them.
He cited examples of conflicts in today's society caused by COVID-19 and nuclear families, such as institutional living syndrome, geriatric depression, aging, and support.
Family needs enough distance to miss you.
Just as consideration and respect are the foundation of our relationships with others, the same attitude is necessary within our families.
We need to allow those who need time alone time and respect their wishes and listen to them.
Reading this book will make you realize that keeping an appropriate distance from others so as not to cause harm can actually be an opportunity to love your family more.
Above all, communication between family members will be the top priority.
So, it is better to quickly get rid of the illusion that family members will know everything without you having to say anything.
As this book says, because we are family, we have to work harder and communicate more to maintain a loving relationship.
The author says that although the concept of family is becoming increasingly diverse, the importance of the family of origin remains crucial.
He asserts that because the existence of an individual called 'I' is most influenced by the family, resolving family problems is the same as resolving personal problems.
I hope this book provides clues on how to stand tall as an independent individual within the tangled family relationships.
A book for today's families who need a new definition of family relationships.
These days, it's easy to find stories about family issues in various media.
As family variety shows featuring celebrities began to gain attention, there are now many programs featuring ordinary people who show their family problems in detail.
In particular, with the surge in television programs dealing with the topics of parenting and divorce, the true nature of family problems that were once considered to be solely the problem of couples is being revealed.
《The Illusion of Family》 focuses on 'family', which is essential in these times.
A psychiatrist deals with violence, abuse, distress, and conflict within the family, providing psychological diagnosis and solutions.
Based on various counseling cases, it covers the emotional burdens we must release and the efforts we must make to restore family relationships, including what happens to children, what happens between couples, and conflicts with elderly parents.
# The illusion that children are 'mine'
If we unconsciously hurt our own children, even though they are our own children and still know nothing, how will they grow up? This book vividly illustrates the problems that arise when parents establish a flawed relationship with their children.
The problems are numerous, such as comparing a child to other children, exposing the child to violence due to a bad relationship between parents, and not taking proper care of the child under the pretext of being busy with work.
Even if the child is born within you, you must establish a relationship with your child as if they were a stranger.
The reason is that if parents hurt their children, the children will pass on the same pain to their own children in the future.
Children who grow up feeling discouraged by being evaluated and competing with their peers will not be able to lead healthy lives in society.
# The illusion that a couple is 'one'
The thing that causes the most difficulty for a couple who have formed a relationship based on 'love' is, of course, betrayal of love.
Infidelity and selfishness drive couples apart.
And now that a couple who were strangers have met and become a family, they must be even more cautious and careful in their relationship.
Verbal abuse between couples, wrong demands based on false illusions, a desire to avoid any losses, and behaviors that break trust, such as infidelity, make couples unhappy.
If a couple is too close and inconsiderate, there are ways to change the way they address each other.
“Hey, come here.” → “Mr. ○○, will you come here?”
“Do you know what this is?” → “Mr. ○○, what do you think of this?”
The title includes formality and courtesy.
Using light titles makes the other person look down on you.
By the same token, polite addressing makes others treat you with respect.
This book not only addresses conversational skills, but also presents problematic situations for couples, such as relationships with in-laws and infidelity, and describes ways to become happy from various angles.
# The illusion that parents are 'adults'
As parents age, their children become the ones who must support them.
The author, an expert in family mental health and geriatric mental health, has developed a method for resolving conflicts based on an understanding of the elderly.
It makes me reflect on the feelings of my elderly parents who are getting older and depressed, and are always worried that they might get not only physical illness but also the scary disease called dementia.
This book contains the process of children understanding their elderly parents, accepting the process of caring for them, and restoring their relationship with them.
He cited examples of conflicts in today's society caused by COVID-19 and nuclear families, such as institutional living syndrome, geriatric depression, aging, and support.
Family needs enough distance to miss you.
Just as consideration and respect are the foundation of our relationships with others, the same attitude is necessary within our families.
We need to allow those who need time alone time and respect their wishes and listen to them.
Reading this book will make you realize that keeping an appropriate distance from others so as not to cause harm can actually be an opportunity to love your family more.
Above all, communication between family members will be the top priority.
So, it is better to quickly get rid of the illusion that family members will know everything without you having to say anything.
As this book says, because we are family, we have to work harder and communicate more to maintain a loving relationship.
The author says that although the concept of family is becoming increasingly diverse, the importance of the family of origin remains crucial.
He asserts that because the existence of an individual called 'I' is most influenced by the family, resolving family problems is the same as resolving personal problems.
I hope this book provides clues on how to stand tall as an independent individual within the tangled family relationships.
GOODS SPECIFICS
- Date of issue: August 3, 2022
- Page count, weight, size: 280 pages | 384g | 142*210*18mm
- ISBN13: 9791191104448
- ISBN10: 1191104443
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