Loneliness and depression that cannot be filled no matter who you meet,
Deep in the hearts of people who repeat harmful relationships,
Unhealed trauma lurks

A hit that immediately reached number one on Amazon and the New York Times bestseller list!
How to save your body, mind, and soul from the wounds hidden deep within your memory.

There are people who have a 'dark night of the soul' even in broad daylight.
Those who suffer from chronic depression, helplessness, and loneliness often struggle with repetitive patterns of problems in their interpersonal relationships and daily lives.
The nature of the problem varies, including people who love their partner but cannot control their emotions when an argument starts, people who are slim but hate their bodies, and people who unilaterally sacrifice themselves to others because they think they have to be a good person.
Dr. Nicole LePera, a clinical psychologist who has been conducting research and providing psychological counseling for over 10 years, believes that these problematic situations have one thing in common.
All problems stem from the difference between ‘who you think you are’ and ‘who you really are.’
The experience of not being recognized as 'the real me' during childhood remains as a wound in the subconscious, and at this time, our inner child builds up a distorted story of the self to protect itself from the emotional wounds.
Various problems arise in daily life and interpersonal relationships due to the inner child being obsessed with protecting the ego.

Dr. Nicole Lepera guides readers on a journey of healing, from the wounded inner child to rediscovering their true selves.
This book solidly presents a vast body of academic knowledge, ranging from the author's areas of expertise—clinical psychology and psychoanalytic theory—to neoplasms and cutting-edge neuroscience.
At the same time, each chapter contains a variety of vivid cases based on actual counseling sessions with clients, allowing readers to empathize and find comfort by comparing them to their own psychological situations.
The author's words, which begin the story by confessing his own hidden trauma, will be felt as warm encouragement to readers who have not yet overcome their trauma.
This book by Dr. Nicole Lepera, which guides us step by step into the world of psychological healing in a gentle yet weighty tone, is the perfect psychological and healing book for all those who have been hurt.

Psychiatry once called itself 'the science (or study) of the mind or spirit.'
The focus of psychiatry today is excessively focused on biology.
That's why therapists are more likely to ask about a client's family history of mental illness and prescribe antidepressants than to ask about their childhood trauma or offer guidance on nutrition and lifestyle.
The field of psychiatry has fully embraced the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), published by the American Psychiatric Association.
This handbook classifies symptoms as diagnostic tools, generally 'disorders of origin' that are genetic or congenital rather than environmental or acquired.
By uncovering genetic causes in this way, we naturally come to accept disease as a part of ourselves.
Once a diagnosis is made, the motivation to change or find the root cause inevitably diminishes.
--- p.34-35

The subconscious likes to stay in its comfort zone.
The safest place is where you used to be.
Because there, you can predict familiar outcomes.
Habits or actions that are performed repeatedly are the default mode of the subconscious mind.
(…) Every time we make a choice that deviates from our default program, our subconscious mind mounts a mental resistance, trying to revert back to a familiar state.
Mental resistance can manifest as mental or physical discomfort.
For example, it may appear as recurring thoughts such as, 'I can do this later' or 'I don't need to do this'.
Or it may express itself as physical symptoms, such as agitation, anxiety, or simply feeling like you are not yourself.
This is the subconscious voice protesting that the new area that needs change is uncomfortable.
--- pp.64-66

There was also a terrible secret that plagued Christine, who was unable to form a safe and stable relationship.
She began to be sexually assaulted by a man in his 40s who was close to her family when she was nine years old.
The perpetrator convinced Christine that she should keep it a secret, as telling anyone would get her in big trouble.
Christine's family even teased the man, saying that he only liked Christine.
Christine had a gut feeling that something was wrong, but she denied her instincts and began to believe the perpetrator.
He responded to that pain by becoming mentally detached while enduring physical abuse.
By repeatedly blocking out your own intuition, you eventually lose faith in yourself and rely on the thoughts, beliefs, and opinions of others.
Harry's behavior became Christine's default coping strategy.
Even as an adult, whenever Christine encountered uncomfortable feelings, she would escape the moment.
--- p.79-80

Emotional addiction is also common in human relationships.
Many clients find themselves in relationships with unexpected or untrustworthy people.
They suffer from anxiety because they are not sure of their feelings or cannot clearly understand them.
Most of my thoughts revolve around my lover and my feelings for him or her.
They overanalyze other people's actions or behaviors.
Also, they look for a lover who is completely different from them intellectually.
They want someone who is clear about their feelings and will be committed to them.
Yet, I always end up in the same human relationships.


Because I feel excited in that kind of relationship.
We are addicted to the cycle of uncertainty and the powerful biochemical reactions it produces, and we cannot escape it.
Over time (as with sugar, sex, drugs, and alcohol dependence), the body demands more and more intense experiences to experience the same chemical 'high'.
Eventually, driven by the subconscious, we seek out more and more powerful sources of excitement.
For example, we are fascinated by unexpected human relationships, news that arouses fear and anger, and social media that allows us to start arguments online.
This is also why they vent their emotions to their friends and become chronic complainers.
Because if you act like that, you can stay in a heightened state.
Inactive peace is boring and unfamiliar.
The body and mind pursue what is familiar, even if it is painful.
--- p.136-137

Few people meet their body's nutritional needs.
Rather, we tend to eat based on feelings like sadness, boredom, happiness, loneliness, and excitement.
Or, conversely, we choose foods that we eat because we need them, or out of habit or obligation.
Either way, the result is that the body's actual desires are blocked.
Babies move according to their essential needs.
When he's hungry, he cries, and when he's full, he turns his back.
Babies are very clear about what they like and what they don't like.
Then, as we grow older and discover other reasons for eating and drinking, we stop listening to our inner desires.


Chronic stress during childhood can make it harder for the body to rest and digest food properly.
This has been confirmed in repeated studies on the role of trauma and the development of gastrointestinal problems in adulthood.
If you look at your body more carefully, you can relearn things you have forgotten.
Because the body noisily communicates its intentions through messages sent between the gut and the brain.
There are about 500 million nerve cells in the stomach.
These neurons can 'talk' directly to the brain through a pathway known as the 'gut-brain axis'.
--- p.151-152

They say people tell their stories to survive.
Such stories are usually based on one's own real-life experiences.
For example, you may believe that you are an attractive person because someone liked you when you were young.
These stories are often created in childhood and are never updated, nor do they reflect current reality.
People who were shy as children, like me, continue to think of themselves as "shy" even if they no longer think or act that way.
(…) Sometimes the reality we face is so painful that we create alternative stories to help us overcome the darkness.
A child who feels ignored may make up stories about his parents doing something very 'important'.
This is because it allows us to explain the absence of parents without having to dig deeper into the truth.
--- p.175-176

The inner child, expressed through the subconscious, becomes wounded when its emotional, physical, and psychological needs from childhood are not met, and this has a lasting impact on the present self.
Most people feel like no one sees them, listens to them, or loves them.
I live with this pain my whole life.
Even narcissists cannot truly live in a state of extreme self-love.
Rather, they are like 'adult children' who respond to the inner child who is deeply suffering.


Anyone can become emotionally activated when their wounds are touched.
The person who activates such wounds most intensely is the lover.
You may slam doors or stomp your feet while having a loud argument with your lover or friend.
You can literally pick up your 'toys' and leave the 'sandpit'.
The inner child is the fearful part of the psyche that forms when our emotional coping capacity is limited.
That's why many people act like children and get stuck in a childish state when they feel threatened or upset.
A child in an adult's body is emotionally ignorant.
--- p.207-208

The ego, the great protector who protects the inner child, is the identity called ‘me.’
The ego is a great storyteller, and it creates and maintains a story about who it believes it is.
The core purpose of the ego is to always protect identity, no matter what.
The ego must become a strong protector to keep safe the softer and more defenseless part of itself (i.e. the inner child).
That's why the ego is very defensive and fear-driven.
The ego measures everything through the yardstick of strict dichotomies.
It is dividing things into good and bad, right and wrong.
The ego also has a deep attachment to its own views and believes that those views are who it is.
The ego believes that if someone questions its opinions, its core self is threatened.
As a result, the ego becomes overly anxious and self-esteem is low as it tries to defend 'ourselves' excessively.
Have you ever felt your blood boil over a slightly unpleasant remark from a coworker? Have you ever felt the urge to defend yourself, blame the other person, and win? This is the reactive state of your ego.
--- p.227-229

Reliance on others for survival and prosperity does not end in childhood.
Even as adults, they primarily crave attachment in romantic relationships.
In the 1980s, researchers Dr. Cindy Hazan and Dr. Phillip Shaver applied attachment theory to romantic partners.
A 'love quiz' was used to assess how stable the study participants' adult relationships were compared to the relationships they experienced in childhood.
The results of this study have confirmed what has long been suspected in the field of psychology.
It was the fact that attachments in infancy and childhood became the foundation of romantic relationships in adulthood.
While it's not something that's ever going to change, generally speaking, if you had a bond full of affection, support, and love in infancy, you're much more likely to have that bond in adulthood.
On the other hand, if you had distant, erratic, or abusive relationships as a child, you are more likely to have those same relationships as an adult.
--- p.254

Lack of emotional boundaries in childhood often manifests similarly as difficulty setting boundaries in adulthood.
In childhood, the family's 'groupthink' (we do it this way, not that way)
We don't like those people.
If we had gone along with the idea that (we are this kind of family) we would have often not had the opportunity to express our true selves.
Some parents, because of their life experiences and the emotional scars they carry, unconsciously view their children as a means to fulfill their own needs (they may confide in their children or treat them like their "best friend").
In these dynamics, emotional boundaries become blurred.
Because no one in the family has the space to be spontaneous or fully express their true self.
In this kind of close contact, they are entangled with each other and have extremely little separation.
Parents intervene too much in their children's lives.
Emotional activation spreads throughout the family.
You are not allowed to be separated from other family members.
If you do that, you may be punished.
Of course, contact is constant.
Parents fear losing control of their children, and children fear being rejected by their families.
No one can be their true self in a relationship like this.

--- p.286-287