Awake Parenting
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Description
Book Introduction
“Anyone can become a parent, “You shouldn’t become a parent ‘unprepared’!” A book that presents solutions to the difficult problem of raising children properly! “What if I had read this book when I first became a parent and teacher? “I hope that all parents and teachers can experience the change that was a gift to me.” ―Lee Eun-kyung, teacher of 'Wise Elementary School Life' Highly recommended! The Practical Guide to "Awake Parenting" and Oprah Winfrey's Most Trusted Parenting Expert Dr. Shefali's "Awake Parenting" book offers a solution to this difficult problem! "Awake Parenting" is a practical guide to parenting that Dr. Shefali published two years after publishing "Awake Parenting," which was ranked #1 on Amazon Bestseller List and selected as a New York Times Book of the Year. It focuses on "discipline," which was the subject of the last chapter of the previous work. In this book, the author provides detailed examples of the psychology of children who rebel against their parents and children who engage in deviant behavior at school and in society, including solutions. So how did such a sweet and lovable child transform into such a "problem child" and "monster"? In this book, the author points out that while rebellious children, school violence, and various social crimes may seem like separate issues, a closer look reveals that parents' flawed parenting style—their tendency to suppress, interfere, and control their children—is the root of their unhappiness. This does not mean that you should give in to all your child's whining and adapt to their mood. Instead, the author says, “The reason children act in a way that hurts their parents is because they feel that they have lost touch with their parents, so we need to start by understanding the root of the hurt.” The author proposes a six-step win-win strategy called 'WINNER': Witness, Inquire, Neutrality, Negotiate, Empathize, and Resolve, as a way to communicate with children and maintain that connection. In this book, the author, drawing on numerous psychological counseling cases in various situations, introduces a new parenting strategy that helps parents decipher the true messages hidden behind their children's problematic behaviors and maintain focus and growth at every moment. Unlike existing parenting books that focus on superficial problem behaviors, this book fundamentally approaches parenting and discipline issues. It will serve as the ultimate parenting guide, helping parents and children connect more deeply, communicate more effectively, and ultimately guide children's behavior in a positive way. |
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index
Introduction
Chapter 1: Why Discipline Doesn't Work
Chapter 2: A World of Pervasive Control
Chapter 3: Is it really for the child's happiness?
Chapter 4: Let your child accept the consequences of his or her actions.
Chapter 5 Parenting Habits of Parents Who Raise Irresponsible Children
Chapter 6: How to Teach Limits to a Spoiled Child Who Bits and Hits
Chapter 7: Children Who Test Their Parents' Sincerity
Chapter 8: How to Effectively State the Criteria for “Yes” or “No”
Chapter 9: Parents Are Not Film Directors
Chapter 10: Let go of the desire for perfection
Tips for Practicing Awake Parenting ①
: 10 Commandments for Proper Communication with Your Child
Chapter 11: "There Lives a Very Strong Child Here"
Chapter 12 Don't Take It as Your Problem
Chapter 13: How to Read Your Child's Signals
Chapter 14: What it Means to Respect a Child
Chapter 15 Are You Making Fair Demands of Your Child?
Chapter 16: How to Monitor Your Child's Growth
Chapter 17: It's Hard to Fool a Child
Chapter 18 What should I do when my child pushes?
Chapter 19 Rules on Rules
Chapter 20: How to Deal with Rebellious Teens
Tips for Practicing Awake Parenting ②
: 15 Play Methods to Positively Guide Your Child's Behavior
Chapter 21: Why You Shouldn't Fight With Your Child About Homework
Chapter 22 Why do children bully their friends?
Chapter 23: A child who does not get along well with siblings or other children
Chapter 24: Sparing the rod will not spoil the child.
Chapter 25: The Hidden Reason We Discipline
Chapter 26: The Power of Empathy
Chapter 27 W: Watch
Chapter 28 I: Ask
Chapter 29 N: Maintain Neutrality
Chapter 30 N: Negotiate
Chapter 31 E: Empathize
Chapter 32 R: Repeat, Practice, and Solve
Tips for Practicing Awake Parenting ③
: A promise for my child
Conclusion
Recommendation
Chapter 1: Why Discipline Doesn't Work
Chapter 2: A World of Pervasive Control
Chapter 3: Is it really for the child's happiness?
Chapter 4: Let your child accept the consequences of his or her actions.
Chapter 5 Parenting Habits of Parents Who Raise Irresponsible Children
Chapter 6: How to Teach Limits to a Spoiled Child Who Bits and Hits
Chapter 7: Children Who Test Their Parents' Sincerity
Chapter 8: How to Effectively State the Criteria for “Yes” or “No”
Chapter 9: Parents Are Not Film Directors
Chapter 10: Let go of the desire for perfection
Tips for Practicing Awake Parenting ①
: 10 Commandments for Proper Communication with Your Child
Chapter 11: "There Lives a Very Strong Child Here"
Chapter 12 Don't Take It as Your Problem
Chapter 13: How to Read Your Child's Signals
Chapter 14: What it Means to Respect a Child
Chapter 15 Are You Making Fair Demands of Your Child?
Chapter 16: How to Monitor Your Child's Growth
Chapter 17: It's Hard to Fool a Child
Chapter 18 What should I do when my child pushes?
Chapter 19 Rules on Rules
Chapter 20: How to Deal with Rebellious Teens
Tips for Practicing Awake Parenting ②
: 15 Play Methods to Positively Guide Your Child's Behavior
Chapter 21: Why You Shouldn't Fight With Your Child About Homework
Chapter 22 Why do children bully their friends?
Chapter 23: A child who does not get along well with siblings or other children
Chapter 24: Sparing the rod will not spoil the child.
Chapter 25: The Hidden Reason We Discipline
Chapter 26: The Power of Empathy
Chapter 27 W: Watch
Chapter 28 I: Ask
Chapter 29 N: Maintain Neutrality
Chapter 30 N: Negotiate
Chapter 31 E: Empathize
Chapter 32 R: Repeat, Practice, and Solve
Tips for Practicing Awake Parenting ③
: A promise for my child
Conclusion
Recommendation
Detailed image
Into the book
Many parents are constantly trading things with their children.
I call this the 'prisoner and guard parenting method.'
Here, the guards must closely monitor the child's behavior.
The child, who is the prisoner, does right or wrong, and the parent, who acts as the guard, is busy giving rewards or punishments.
Soon, the prisoner becomes dependent on the guards' control to regulate his behavior.
---From Chapter 1, “Why Discipline Doesn’t Work”
If we dare to admit it, all 'discipline', no matter what form it takes, is nothing more than a disguised fit of rage.
What we call 'discipline' is mostly just the tantrums of an adult child who is physically an adult but mentally not an adult.
---From Chapter 2, "A World Full of Control"
The only reason children fail to learn self-control is because they haven't had enough experience with the law of cause and effect.
And the most common reason for this is parental interference.
For example, if you touch a hot pan, the result is a burn.
Through this, we learn not to touch a hot pot carelessly.
No matter how much others tell us about these risks, we usually only truly understand their meaning when we experience them firsthand.
---From Chapter 4, “Let the child accept the consequences of his actions”
The child's current risky behavior is the result of a series of missed opportunities, situations where the child could have learned the natural lesson of cause and effect but failed to do so.
---From Chapter 5, “Parenting Habits of Parents Who Raise Irresponsible Children”
Treating your child as if he or she is misbehaving misses the "real problem."
What the child needs to learn at this time is that being rude is not an effective way to maintain a relationship, and it won't get you what you want.
So, when a child is being rude, rather than attacking or punishing them, you should distance yourself thoroughly.
---From Chapter 6, “How to Teach Limits to a Spoiled Child Who Bits and Hits”
The reason children disrespect their parents is because we have unconsciously given them permission to behave that way.
At some point in our childhood, the idea that it's okay to be ignored by people takes root within us.
Kids are clueless about this.
---From Chapter 7, “Children Who Test Their Parents’ Sincerity”
The belief that time-outs are effective is a misconception.
This method may seem to calm things down for a moment.
But in reality, the solution to the problem is just being postponed.
---From Chapter 9, “Parents Are Not Film Directors”
No matter how much we want to believe ourselves to be very generous, our frames are usually small and rigid.
And ironically, it is our brain activity that creates that framework.
---From Chapter 10, "Letting Go of the Desire for Perfection"
Emotions don't have to be justified or require our approval.
The problem is our discomfort, and we have to learn to tolerate it.
---From Chapter 11, “There Lives a Very Strong Child Here”
Being obsessed with our desires can sometimes lead to the opposite result.
It's not that we don't notice our children's emotions, it's that we are overly sensitive.
In that case, you try to protect the child at all costs.
'Helicopter parents' are a typical example.
---From Chapter 12, "Don't Take It as Your Problem"
My teenage son didn't even wash himself and left his room a mess.
The mother, who could not understand the hidden meaning behind her child's behavior, scolded her child every day, and when he did not change, she punished him.
First, they took away my cell phone, then my computer, and when that didn't work, they stopped me from playing games.
But the child made a bigger mess of the house than before.
---From Chapter 13, “How to Read Your Child’s Signals”
Respecting emotions requires being attuned to the child's overall developmental stage, not necessarily catering to their momentary mood.
---Chapter 14 "The Meaning of Respecting Children"
Appropriately responding to your child's age is key to effective parenting.
As parents, we are doing our child a disservice by forcing them into situations they are too young to handle.
---From Chapter 15, “Are You Making Fair Demands of Your Child?”
A child's refusal to sleep alone in his or her room is not a problem requiring discipline; it is simply a sign that the child needs more interaction with parents or needs to develop more independence.
---From Chapter 16, “How to Completely Monitor Your Child’s Growth”
Parents of teenage children want to foster their children's autonomy, but if they see signs that their children lack respect for them, they tend to crack down harder.
As a result, you fall into a vicious cycle where your mind desperately wants to connect with your child, but your body acts in a way that pushes the child away.
---From Chapter 18, "What should I do when my child pushes me?"
Feeding vegetables to a child who prefers fast food is essential to maintaining a healthy lifestyle.
But we have to respect that children may tolerate broccoli but hate beans.
You should gradually increase the types and amounts of vegetables your child eats, and not force them to eat foods they refuse.
---From Chapter 19, “Rules on Rules”
Skipping class and smoking cigarettes may provide temporary solace to a wandering mind because they both seem "cool," but they are actually desperate cries for help from their parents.
When a child acts strangely, it's a sign that he or she has forgotten who he or she really is.
This is why setting rules doesn't help.
What matters is not the rules, but the communication.
It is important for children to connect with their inner selves and for parents to connect with their children.
---From Chapter 20, "How to Deal with Rebellious Teenagers"
A friend of mine grew up in England with baby boomer parents.
He was beaten if he made a mistake in multiplying two-digit numbers.
Why are addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division morally problematic? Why should they be punished? A child's feelings of extreme injustice are perfectly valid.
---From Chapter 21, "Why You Shouldn't Fight With Your Child Over Homework"
The purpose of labeling a child as 'difficult', 'bad', 'antisocial', or even 'evil' is solely to create resentment against the child.
Labels like that make you feel helpless.
When a boy hits his older sister, instead of labeling or scolding him in this way, I recommend looking for the hidden message behind the boy's hitting behavior.
---From Chapter 23, "Why Do Children Bully Their Friends?"
Discipline is nothing more than a crutch for parents who feel helpless when confronted with their own shortcomings.
And it is no exaggeration to say that this realization is revolutionary.
---From Chapter 25, “The Hidden Reason We Discipline”
It's a good idea to be emotionally prepared when your child returns from school.
The important thing is to keep some spatial distance in our plans.
This way, children who have been away from their parents can feel comfortable at home when they return.
To do this, you need to let the child lead the atmosphere.
The person speaking must be a child.
I know it's not easy to do that because of your anxiety about your child.
But only then can effective parenting be achieved.
Instead of disciplining our children, we must discipline ourselves not to reveal our desires.
---From Chapter 26, “The Power of Sympathy”
The first W in the WINNER strategy stands for Witness, meaning observing what is happening at this very moment.
To become a living witness, you must step out of your parental role and be able to quietly watch whatever happens.
---From Chapter 27, "W: Watching"
In the WINNER strategy, the second step, I, stands for Inquire, and there is always a good reason why people do something.
It may not be obvious to us, and it may not be for reasons we can tolerate.
But we must understand that the reasons are valid for the parties involved.
Especially when it comes to children, it is important for parents to understand the hidden meaning behind whatever their child does.
---From Chapter 28, "I: Asking"
In the WINNER strategy, the N corresponding to step 3 stands for neutrality.
Neutrality means first managing our emotions well and then clearly asking for what we want without any emotional resentment.
---From Chapter 29, "N: Maintaining Neutrality"
The second N in step 4 of the WINNER strategy stands for Negotiate.
Negotiation skills are a valuable skill we can develop as we navigate life's complexities in ways that benefit us rather than harm us.
---From Chapter 30, "N: Negotiating"
The E in step 5 of the WINNER strategy stands for Empathize.
To the untrained eye, it may seem like empathy is what saves us from suffering, but that is a misunderstanding.
It's natural to feel anxious when you're around someone who's in pain.
True empathy is the ability to withstand the anxiety that comes from watching someone else struggle with their humanity.
---From Chapter 31, "E: Empathy"
R stands for Repeat, Rehearse, and Resolve.
The purpose of repetition and practice is to solve problems, so let's start with 'Resolve'.
'Resolve' has a double meaning in that it requires a firm will from parents to resolve the conflict.
Resolving a conflict, or bringing it to a complete end, means dealing with the given issue and leaving no emotional residue in the mind.
I call this the 'prisoner and guard parenting method.'
Here, the guards must closely monitor the child's behavior.
The child, who is the prisoner, does right or wrong, and the parent, who acts as the guard, is busy giving rewards or punishments.
Soon, the prisoner becomes dependent on the guards' control to regulate his behavior.
---From Chapter 1, “Why Discipline Doesn’t Work”
If we dare to admit it, all 'discipline', no matter what form it takes, is nothing more than a disguised fit of rage.
What we call 'discipline' is mostly just the tantrums of an adult child who is physically an adult but mentally not an adult.
---From Chapter 2, "A World Full of Control"
The only reason children fail to learn self-control is because they haven't had enough experience with the law of cause and effect.
And the most common reason for this is parental interference.
For example, if you touch a hot pan, the result is a burn.
Through this, we learn not to touch a hot pot carelessly.
No matter how much others tell us about these risks, we usually only truly understand their meaning when we experience them firsthand.
---From Chapter 4, “Let the child accept the consequences of his actions”
The child's current risky behavior is the result of a series of missed opportunities, situations where the child could have learned the natural lesson of cause and effect but failed to do so.
---From Chapter 5, “Parenting Habits of Parents Who Raise Irresponsible Children”
Treating your child as if he or she is misbehaving misses the "real problem."
What the child needs to learn at this time is that being rude is not an effective way to maintain a relationship, and it won't get you what you want.
So, when a child is being rude, rather than attacking or punishing them, you should distance yourself thoroughly.
---From Chapter 6, “How to Teach Limits to a Spoiled Child Who Bits and Hits”
The reason children disrespect their parents is because we have unconsciously given them permission to behave that way.
At some point in our childhood, the idea that it's okay to be ignored by people takes root within us.
Kids are clueless about this.
---From Chapter 7, “Children Who Test Their Parents’ Sincerity”
The belief that time-outs are effective is a misconception.
This method may seem to calm things down for a moment.
But in reality, the solution to the problem is just being postponed.
---From Chapter 9, “Parents Are Not Film Directors”
No matter how much we want to believe ourselves to be very generous, our frames are usually small and rigid.
And ironically, it is our brain activity that creates that framework.
---From Chapter 10, "Letting Go of the Desire for Perfection"
Emotions don't have to be justified or require our approval.
The problem is our discomfort, and we have to learn to tolerate it.
---From Chapter 11, “There Lives a Very Strong Child Here”
Being obsessed with our desires can sometimes lead to the opposite result.
It's not that we don't notice our children's emotions, it's that we are overly sensitive.
In that case, you try to protect the child at all costs.
'Helicopter parents' are a typical example.
---From Chapter 12, "Don't Take It as Your Problem"
My teenage son didn't even wash himself and left his room a mess.
The mother, who could not understand the hidden meaning behind her child's behavior, scolded her child every day, and when he did not change, she punished him.
First, they took away my cell phone, then my computer, and when that didn't work, they stopped me from playing games.
But the child made a bigger mess of the house than before.
---From Chapter 13, “How to Read Your Child’s Signals”
Respecting emotions requires being attuned to the child's overall developmental stage, not necessarily catering to their momentary mood.
---Chapter 14 "The Meaning of Respecting Children"
Appropriately responding to your child's age is key to effective parenting.
As parents, we are doing our child a disservice by forcing them into situations they are too young to handle.
---From Chapter 15, “Are You Making Fair Demands of Your Child?”
A child's refusal to sleep alone in his or her room is not a problem requiring discipline; it is simply a sign that the child needs more interaction with parents or needs to develop more independence.
---From Chapter 16, “How to Completely Monitor Your Child’s Growth”
Parents of teenage children want to foster their children's autonomy, but if they see signs that their children lack respect for them, they tend to crack down harder.
As a result, you fall into a vicious cycle where your mind desperately wants to connect with your child, but your body acts in a way that pushes the child away.
---From Chapter 18, "What should I do when my child pushes me?"
Feeding vegetables to a child who prefers fast food is essential to maintaining a healthy lifestyle.
But we have to respect that children may tolerate broccoli but hate beans.
You should gradually increase the types and amounts of vegetables your child eats, and not force them to eat foods they refuse.
---From Chapter 19, “Rules on Rules”
Skipping class and smoking cigarettes may provide temporary solace to a wandering mind because they both seem "cool," but they are actually desperate cries for help from their parents.
When a child acts strangely, it's a sign that he or she has forgotten who he or she really is.
This is why setting rules doesn't help.
What matters is not the rules, but the communication.
It is important for children to connect with their inner selves and for parents to connect with their children.
---From Chapter 20, "How to Deal with Rebellious Teenagers"
A friend of mine grew up in England with baby boomer parents.
He was beaten if he made a mistake in multiplying two-digit numbers.
Why are addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division morally problematic? Why should they be punished? A child's feelings of extreme injustice are perfectly valid.
---From Chapter 21, "Why You Shouldn't Fight With Your Child Over Homework"
The purpose of labeling a child as 'difficult', 'bad', 'antisocial', or even 'evil' is solely to create resentment against the child.
Labels like that make you feel helpless.
When a boy hits his older sister, instead of labeling or scolding him in this way, I recommend looking for the hidden message behind the boy's hitting behavior.
---From Chapter 23, "Why Do Children Bully Their Friends?"
Discipline is nothing more than a crutch for parents who feel helpless when confronted with their own shortcomings.
And it is no exaggeration to say that this realization is revolutionary.
---From Chapter 25, “The Hidden Reason We Discipline”
It's a good idea to be emotionally prepared when your child returns from school.
The important thing is to keep some spatial distance in our plans.
This way, children who have been away from their parents can feel comfortable at home when they return.
To do this, you need to let the child lead the atmosphere.
The person speaking must be a child.
I know it's not easy to do that because of your anxiety about your child.
But only then can effective parenting be achieved.
Instead of disciplining our children, we must discipline ourselves not to reveal our desires.
---From Chapter 26, “The Power of Sympathy”
The first W in the WINNER strategy stands for Witness, meaning observing what is happening at this very moment.
To become a living witness, you must step out of your parental role and be able to quietly watch whatever happens.
---From Chapter 27, "W: Watching"
In the WINNER strategy, the second step, I, stands for Inquire, and there is always a good reason why people do something.
It may not be obvious to us, and it may not be for reasons we can tolerate.
But we must understand that the reasons are valid for the parties involved.
Especially when it comes to children, it is important for parents to understand the hidden meaning behind whatever their child does.
---From Chapter 28, "I: Asking"
In the WINNER strategy, the N corresponding to step 3 stands for neutrality.
Neutrality means first managing our emotions well and then clearly asking for what we want without any emotional resentment.
---From Chapter 29, "N: Maintaining Neutrality"
The second N in step 4 of the WINNER strategy stands for Negotiate.
Negotiation skills are a valuable skill we can develop as we navigate life's complexities in ways that benefit us rather than harm us.
---From Chapter 30, "N: Negotiating"
The E in step 5 of the WINNER strategy stands for Empathize.
To the untrained eye, it may seem like empathy is what saves us from suffering, but that is a misunderstanding.
It's natural to feel anxious when you're around someone who's in pain.
True empathy is the ability to withstand the anxiety that comes from watching someone else struggle with their humanity.
---From Chapter 31, "E: Empathy"
R stands for Repeat, Rehearse, and Resolve.
The purpose of repetition and practice is to solve problems, so let's start with 'Resolve'.
'Resolve' has a double meaning in that it requires a firm will from parents to resolve the conflict.
Resolving a conflict, or bringing it to a complete end, means dealing with the given issue and leaving no emotional residue in the mind.
---From Chapter 32, "R: Repeat, Practice, and Solve"
Publisher's Review
The Real Reason Your Discipline Fails
Parents who scold their children and feel uncomfortable, and children who do not change even after being scolded. What is the problem?
“This child is mine, so I decide what’s best for him.”
We often see people around us saying things like this.
Since we brought a child into the world, we think of it as our own.
Based on this thinking, parents mistakenly believe that they have the authority to control and command their children.
“If you don’t do your homework, I won’t let you play games in the evening.”
“If you keep disobeying me and talking back like that, I won’t let you watch TV.”
“If I don’t get good test results, I know I won’t be able to go to the amusement park.”
The author calls this type of parenting where parents monitor their children's behavior, judge their children for right and wrong, and reward and punish them as the "prisoner-guardian parenting method."
The child, who is the prisoner, acts right or wrong, and the parent, who acts as the guard, is busy rewarding or punishing the child while closely monitoring the child's behavior.
As time goes by, they start to torment each other so much that it becomes difficult to tell who is a guard and who is a prisoner.
And then he says this:
“They’re all saying this for the sake of the child.”
However, the author emphasizes that children treated this way are left with only resentment because discipline seems to be influenced by the parents' mood rather than being rational.
No matter how much we pretend not to, all discipline is ultimately a form of manipulation, namely intimidation.
No matter how well-intentioned a parent may be, any discipline leaves the child feeling attacked.
The reason children hate discipline is not because they don't want to do the right thing, but because threats, coercion, and corporal punishment make them feel worthless.
Even if children follow their parents' requests, they only follow because they are told to, but they secretly resist the parents' requests and feel even more rejection towards the parents who are making them do it.
The resentment that arises from this leaves an emotional burden on the child, hindering learning and growth, and above all, blocking communication with the parents.
Even today, this process is repeated endlessly in many households.
The author says the key to successful parenting is to shift attention away from the "misbehaving child" and toward the parent's "misbehaving emotional state."
Unless we identify and unravel our own emotional patterns, we may unknowingly be encouraging our children to engage in behavioral problems.
There is nothing that needs to be fixed in the child; only the parents need to grow up. However, if you blame the child for the problem behavior that appears on the surface and try to find a way to fix the child, you will miss the real problem.
Discipline is nothing more than a crutch for parents who feel helpless when confronted with their own shortcomings.
Decipher the real message behind your child's problem behavior.
A new parenting strategy that helps parents stay focused and grow as children.
Let's look at the case of children who do not get along well with their siblings or other children and who hit them.
Instead of scolding, the author recommends looking for the hidden message behind the child's hitting behavior.
A child's behavior always carries a message, so parents must be able to decipher the real reason behind their child's behavior.
Children constantly send signals to their parents about what is going on inside them.
If parents cannot read those signals, they will miss the meaning of whatever their child says or does and will not be able to provide timely help.
If you look closely at young children, you will see that they take great pride in even the most trivial things.
However, if at some point children start to rebel, look around, or act out, it is a sign that there is a psychological problem.
This means that expressing dissatisfaction does not stop at just widening one's eyes, spitting out harsh words, or sticking out one's tongue.
The more the sense of crisis deepens, the more dangerous the behavior becomes.
The author says this is precisely why teenagers engage in problem behavior.
If children rebel, it means that the situation did not arise overnight.
It is the result of a series of moments over the years where I did not receive proper support from my parents.
But parents are often so fixated on the fact that their child sticks out his or her tongue that they don't even consider that there might be other factors behind the behavior.
The author says that a child's rude behavior toward his or her parents is a superficial problem and not the core issue.
At this time, if you want your child's behavior to change, you should pay attention to the emotions and desires that caused the behavior rather than focusing on the superficial behavior.
When you approach your parenting journey with the understanding that it is important to understand your child's emotions and listen to their true voice, you will experience a shift in the energy you channel toward your child.
It's about breaking away from dominating and controlling and becoming a companion to your child.
This means that parents respect their child's feelings and thereby fully consider the child's needs.
One thing parents should be careful about at this time is that when the author says that they should fully consider the child's needs, there are many cases where they misunderstand that they should cater to the child's mood and give in to all of their whining, but that is not what he means.
Respecting a child's feelings doesn't mean giving them everything they want.
Respecting emotions requires being attuned to the child's overall developmental stage, not necessarily catering to their momentary mood.
We respect that every child possesses the wisdom necessary for their own growth, and we must focus on discovering their potential in a comfortable and caring environment.
Children constantly absorb the image of their parents.
So, you shouldn't become a parent 'unprepared'!
When we realize the impact our every action and choice has on our children, it can be overwhelming and overwhelming.
The author, too, as a new mother, shares her embarrassing experience with her five-year-old daughter, who constantly observed and absorbed her appearance.
“It was no longer just about me whether I ordered a diet soda or water, whether I ordered fries or a salad, whether I exercised in front of the television or just sat there and rested.
“How I spend my time, how I manage my anxiety, how I deal with failure, how I treat my husband, how I manage my money—all of these things affect my child, and ultimately, their life.”
Children constantly absorb the image of their parents.
Always watch, listen, and record in your head what your parents do and how they do it.
This is why we should not become parents 'unprepared'.
Usually, when we feel anxious and don't know why, we tend to vent those feelings.
They say that in such times, it is usually our children who have to bear the burden of our primal fears that are not revealed on the outside.
According to the author, who has been counseling parents for a long time, many parents actually have a hard time disciplining their children.
In particular, mothers often pass the burden of parenting on to fathers because they intuitively know that coercive discipline leads to harmful results.
The problem is that parents either get angry and vent their emotions, try to accommodate their child's mood, or don't know what else to do.
Usually, they don't know what to do and either lose their sense of judgment and explode with emotion or try to appease their guilt by bribing and rewarding the child.
In this book, the author understands and supports parents, who are also victims of poor parenting, and helps them release their latent, unresolved desires and suppressed grievances.
It emphasizes that parents themselves must realize and heal the wounds and oppression they suffered during their upbringing in childhood in order to accept their children as they are, and that parents can also find their center and grow mentally through their children who grow up with empathy and trust.
Why doesn't my child respect mom and dad?
Children who test their parents' sincerity
Our subconscious patterns contain tremendous energy.
This energy creates a certain mood for us, and children respond to that mood.
In other words, children react to their parents' unconscious words, actions, and attitudes, rather than to outwardly expressed instructions.
For example, a parent says this to his child the day before an exam:
“Grades aren’t that important.
“The important thing is that you do your best.”
If you tell your children that grades aren't important, but then subtly show disappointment or worry when their grades drop, they'll quickly pick up on your anxiety.
A child watches his or her parents' gestures, facial expressions, forehead wrinkles, and even the thinning of eyebrows.
Also, if parents enjoy going to McDonald's while teaching their children to eat healthy food, there's no reason to criticize their children for occasionally asking for a hamburger.
Ultimately, effective parenting focuses on the parents' "emotional responses," "hidden standards," and "consistent parenting attitudes," rather than the child's "misbehavior" and "superficial behavior."
Therefore, when parents fail to address their own latent needs and emotional patterns, they inadvertently have a negative impact on their children.
Once we have the courage to admit this, we realize that the root cause of our children's behavioral problems is not actually in the child, but rather in our own unresolved needs and unconsciousness. Furthermore, we realize that most of our children's behaviors are the result of the situations and structures we have created.
As a result, rather than worrying about things like, “Why does my child ignore what I say?” or “How should I discipline my child when he or she behaves in a problematic way?”, we as parents will naturally realize that setting a good example is a much more beneficial and effective way for our children’s future.
A child who becomes irresponsible every time he is saved from a crisis
“Let the consequences of one’s actions, not punishment, make them realize this!”
Are we trying to interfere and teach our children instead of letting them learn from natural outcomes? According to the author, the reason is simple.
Because as parents, we feel helpless when we feel like we have no control over our children's lives.
Helplessness creates anxiety.
Parents feel they must take action when their children behave in a way that defies expectations.
To save, punish, or appease.
However, to help your child understand the consequences of his or her actions, you need to step back and observe, while also being able to encourage and guide them when they need help.
For example, let's look at the story of a mother who drove her daughter to school every morning so that she wouldn't be late, even though she always missed the school bus.
Eleven-year-old Nicole often procrastinated and missed the school bus every morning.
Nicole's mother drove her daughter to school to avoid getting scolded by the teacher for being late.
One morning, Nicole's mother suddenly realized something.
My daughter needs to learn how to manage her time, and part of it is my fault as a mother that she can't.
When Nicole's mother realized she wasn't helping her child, she changed her approach.
When Nicole had to wake up in the morning and leave for the school bus, her mother didn't intervene like she used to to make sure she was ready on time.
As expected, Nicole missed the school bus.
Instead of rushing out, putting on her coat, grabbing her car keys, and running out, Mom leisurely sipped her coffee in her pajamas.
Nicole soon realized that her mother would not give her a ride.
“Mom, what do I do now? I’m in big trouble.
“Please help me,” she said, feeling uneasy as she watched her daughter speak anxiously, but she felt she had to let her child accept the natural consequences of being lazy.
So instead of blaming, I gently connected the cause and effect and let Nicole sit for about five minutes to process her uncomfortable feelings.
Then he said this:
“Let’s think of a solution,” Nicole said calmly a few minutes later.
“Class has already started.
So I think I should go to the teachers' office and get a late notice and write it down."
That day, Nicole wrote a note explaining her tardiness and never missed the school bus again.
Don't trap your child in his mistakes, teach him!
Why was it that Nicole was able to learn in a single day what she had struggled to teach for weeks? Because her mother got out of the situation and watched the natural consequences unfold.
When parents, as superiors, try to control their children, it is an attempt to eliminate the risks that come from the uncertainties of life.
In other words, the reason parents intervene when their child misbehaves is to avoid putting the child in danger.
Parents may feel sorry for their children and say they worry, but it's natural for children to experience anxiety as they go through life, and in the process, they develop resilience.
We often say, "If you do something wrong, you should accept the consequences." This is one of the lessons many parents believe they must teach their children.
However, the author says that parents have a misconception.
The result is something that happens naturally as a result of a certain behavior, and it is not something that parents intervene to punish.
If there is a cause, there will be an effect; that is, the law of cause and effect is the most fundamental law of the universe.
The only reason children fail to learn this important principle is because parents try to intervene and save them, or force them to reflect.
The author speaks about the 'real parental role' that parents should play for their children.
“Parents should equip their children with the appropriate skills needed to survive.
Otherwise, it would be like sending your child out as a failure.
“We should educate children, not trap them.”
Additionally, the authors say that the only time parents should protect their children from natural consequences is when there is a real risk to their safety.
For example, when a child tries to run into a road, swallow a poisonous substance, or otherwise harms himself or herself or others.
Except in cases like this, the rule is to be cautious when parents intervene.
As parents, we should not punish our children for living their own unique lives, but rather guide them to understand themselves and shape their lives in ways that are true to themselves.
This is how we encourage children to continue their true journey of life.
Effectively inform the standards of 'yes' and 'no'
How to teach your child limits
How should parents teach their children boundaries and standards? Even when parents say no, children can sense whether parents truly mean no or are just trying to turn a blind eye.
It's not because the children are clever, but because the parents are not consistent or firm, and show different sides of themselves depending on their own convenience.
If parents make decisions consistently, not arbitrarily or dogmatically, and clearly state the purpose of those decisions, and are aware of the child's wishes and plans, the child will respect the parent's decisions even if the parent does not like them.
Otherwise, he says, parents should be careful because if they try to avoid conflict with their children or make decisions under pressure from those around them, it can actually lead to greater conflict and resentment.
Let's look at the following example.
“A child asks his parents to buy him an iPad.
He said that all his friends had it.
Parents feel that it is not a necessary item for the child and that the child's curiosity about new things will soon fade.
But because they want to please the child and are not sure of their own beliefs, they end up giving in to the child's demands."
The author warns that if children don't learn to manage their emotions as children, especially how to respond appropriately when told "no," they may not be able to manage depressed feelings as adults.
So, they either throw tantrums like two-year-olds or binge drink, claiming it's a more adult way of doing things.
The author actually says that all of these behaviors are caused by an inability to control one's emotions and accept reality as it is.
“I understand you want an iPad.
But let me tell you why that matters to you.
If we both agree that having it would make your life better, then let's figure out how to get an iPad.
There is also a way for you to cover some of the costs.
“We also need to set standards for how we will use it.”
When parents and children have these conversations, children begin to understand that their parents don't just let them buy things on a whim, but rather make decisions after careful thought.
By consistently using these meaningful conversations, children will feel like their parents are on their side.
When there are mutually agreed-upon expectations about something, parents don't need to take on the role of supervisor.
However, this is only when the child is old enough to keep the agreement.
If parents attempt to reach such an agreement while their child is still young, they should be fully prepared for the chaos that will arise if expectations are not met.
Therefore, it is important for parents to first resolve their own long-standing emotional issues before telling their children boundaries and standards of “yes” or “no.”
Learning appropriate limits during childhood is a very important part of a child's development.
However, getting angry or punishing a child for misbehaving is not the right way to go.
At this time, you need to leave the situation so that the child realizes that he will not get what he wants with such behavior.
When teaching your child limits, remember to be firm but loving.
The Two Wings of Discipline: Observation and Intervention
How to fully monitor your child's growth
Being excluded from something is not a pleasant experience for anyone.
But it is also a normal life experience that everyone encounters as they live.
But when one mother finds her elementary school-aged daughter complaining that she wasn't invited to her friend's birthday party, she decides to step in and take matters into her own hands.
Let's look at what problems this mother's response leads to.
I couldn't just watch my twelve-year-old daughter's disappointment when she complained about not being invited to her friend's birthday party.
She called the mother of the child whose birthday it was.
As it happened, the mother was a member of Sheila's reading group, and Sheila asked Maria to invite her to the birthday party.
But the mother was so angry that Sheila was making such a request that she refused to deal with either Sheila or Maria.
When Sheila came to me, furious with her mother and ready to start a war, I told her that if I had just accepted her disappointment, nothing would have happened.
The author says that not being invited to a birthday party is a normal life experience that everyone faces, and is not something to feel inferior about.
The mother overly identified with her child's emotions, preventing the child from experiencing normal life experiences.
Because of this, my daughter was robbed of the opportunity to develop a very important skill in life: resilience.
The real problem was that Sheila herself was suffering from an inferiority complex among people.
So, when he saw his daughter disappointed, he felt anxious and tried to control her social relationships.
In effect, the mother said this to her daughter.
“You can't handle this situation.
“I’ll take care of it for you.”
The mother was subconsciously identifying herself with the child.
With the implicit message, “If you don’t get invited to a good place, I’ll step in and make sure you get the treatment you deserve from our family.”
If parents had sat down with their children from the beginning and let them experience their emotions, they could have gently guided them to understand that they can't always get what they want in life.
By understanding and accepting her child's emotions, the mother will have shown her child how to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of life.
Most of us have never learned to accept our emotions, whether they are intense pleasure or pain.
So, when something happens right now, you can't deal with it with sincerity.
So, parents usually say this.
“You’re upset.
“Mom/Dad will buy you ice cream.”
The author says this is an attitude of trying to be a good parent but avoiding the real problem.
Because I can't stand seeing my child suffer, I can't let him be sad.
When we unconsciously intervene in situations where we shouldn't, our children fail to develop the ability to flexibly cope with the ever-changing tides of life.
Parents are preventing their children's wit from developing naturally.
A book that offers solutions to the difficult problem of raising children.
Now is the time to properly read the signals your child is sending.
Parents raising children inevitably go through a period of confusion.
Sometimes, there are serious disruptions to the planned schedule.
The child often wets the bed at night, wakes up to walk around, and has nightmares that keep him or her up at night.
It can certainly feel tiring to wake up several times a night to take care of your child or change the blanket.
If, instead of turning these situations into disciplinary issues, we view them as normal occurrences that occur naturally during rapid development and avoid blaming or criticizing the child, the problem can become one of enduring the anxiety and discontent that arises within us.
The author says that what we as parents should do at this time is not to harshly discipline children going through turbulent times, but to calm ourselves and find our center.
This way, you can easily ride the various waves that arise when raising a child.
As waves rise and fall repeatedly, parents can calmly navigate them instead of labeling them as “good” or “bad.”
All parents always believe that they exist for their children.
I believe in listening to children and helping them.
The author says that few parents realize that in countless cases, they do the exact opposite.
Being present for our children means being aware of our subconscious standards and being awake to not impose them.
Listening to a child means hearing them without intruding our own thoughts, opinions, or judgments.
Consistently supporting a child's growth and development means being willing to let go of our own ideas about how a child should live his or her life.
Because those thoughts are based solely on our own inclinations and experiences, not on those of children.
So, how can we abandon the idea of constantly correcting our children and instead establish a genuine connection with them? Let's take a look at the author's six-step, win-win strategy that satisfies both parents and children.
To make these six steps easier to remember, the author named them 'WINNER', taking the initials of each step.
The steps that 'WINNER' represents are as follows:
Witness: Watching
Inquire: Ask a question
Neutrality: Maintaining neutrality
Negotiate: To negotiate
Empathize: Empathize
Resolve: Resolve
When children feel any emotion, even if it is negative, do not try to distract them or get them out of their way, but just watch them quietly.
This is how children learn to reflect on themselves.
Otherwise, if children try to get confirmation from their parents every time they feel something, they will lose their sense of self.
Additionally, when children are judged to be bad or wrong about their feelings, they increasingly try to hide their feelings.
The author says that parents must be realistic in order to be present, listen, and helpful to their children.
Because no one can be completely free from the standards in their own subconscious.
So, we need to carefully examine whether it is affecting our emotions and hindering our communication with our children.
Breaking away from a control- and discipline-centered parenting style is not easy for parents because it goes against what we've been taught and how we were raised.
The author says that if we are to go down this path, there must be some degree of awareness within parents that allows them to move in a new way, separate from their own habitual reactions.
Children deserve to grow up with parents who help them live full lives and discover their own worth.
This is because only then will children’s sense of wholeness and self-esteem expand.
This is our calling as parents, charged with the sacred task of raising children and their rights.
Parents who scold their children and feel uncomfortable, and children who do not change even after being scolded. What is the problem?
“This child is mine, so I decide what’s best for him.”
We often see people around us saying things like this.
Since we brought a child into the world, we think of it as our own.
Based on this thinking, parents mistakenly believe that they have the authority to control and command their children.
“If you don’t do your homework, I won’t let you play games in the evening.”
“If you keep disobeying me and talking back like that, I won’t let you watch TV.”
“If I don’t get good test results, I know I won’t be able to go to the amusement park.”
The author calls this type of parenting where parents monitor their children's behavior, judge their children for right and wrong, and reward and punish them as the "prisoner-guardian parenting method."
The child, who is the prisoner, acts right or wrong, and the parent, who acts as the guard, is busy rewarding or punishing the child while closely monitoring the child's behavior.
As time goes by, they start to torment each other so much that it becomes difficult to tell who is a guard and who is a prisoner.
And then he says this:
“They’re all saying this for the sake of the child.”
However, the author emphasizes that children treated this way are left with only resentment because discipline seems to be influenced by the parents' mood rather than being rational.
No matter how much we pretend not to, all discipline is ultimately a form of manipulation, namely intimidation.
No matter how well-intentioned a parent may be, any discipline leaves the child feeling attacked.
The reason children hate discipline is not because they don't want to do the right thing, but because threats, coercion, and corporal punishment make them feel worthless.
Even if children follow their parents' requests, they only follow because they are told to, but they secretly resist the parents' requests and feel even more rejection towards the parents who are making them do it.
The resentment that arises from this leaves an emotional burden on the child, hindering learning and growth, and above all, blocking communication with the parents.
Even today, this process is repeated endlessly in many households.
The author says the key to successful parenting is to shift attention away from the "misbehaving child" and toward the parent's "misbehaving emotional state."
Unless we identify and unravel our own emotional patterns, we may unknowingly be encouraging our children to engage in behavioral problems.
There is nothing that needs to be fixed in the child; only the parents need to grow up. However, if you blame the child for the problem behavior that appears on the surface and try to find a way to fix the child, you will miss the real problem.
Discipline is nothing more than a crutch for parents who feel helpless when confronted with their own shortcomings.
Decipher the real message behind your child's problem behavior.
A new parenting strategy that helps parents stay focused and grow as children.
Let's look at the case of children who do not get along well with their siblings or other children and who hit them.
Instead of scolding, the author recommends looking for the hidden message behind the child's hitting behavior.
A child's behavior always carries a message, so parents must be able to decipher the real reason behind their child's behavior.
Children constantly send signals to their parents about what is going on inside them.
If parents cannot read those signals, they will miss the meaning of whatever their child says or does and will not be able to provide timely help.
If you look closely at young children, you will see that they take great pride in even the most trivial things.
However, if at some point children start to rebel, look around, or act out, it is a sign that there is a psychological problem.
This means that expressing dissatisfaction does not stop at just widening one's eyes, spitting out harsh words, or sticking out one's tongue.
The more the sense of crisis deepens, the more dangerous the behavior becomes.
The author says this is precisely why teenagers engage in problem behavior.
If children rebel, it means that the situation did not arise overnight.
It is the result of a series of moments over the years where I did not receive proper support from my parents.
But parents are often so fixated on the fact that their child sticks out his or her tongue that they don't even consider that there might be other factors behind the behavior.
The author says that a child's rude behavior toward his or her parents is a superficial problem and not the core issue.
At this time, if you want your child's behavior to change, you should pay attention to the emotions and desires that caused the behavior rather than focusing on the superficial behavior.
When you approach your parenting journey with the understanding that it is important to understand your child's emotions and listen to their true voice, you will experience a shift in the energy you channel toward your child.
It's about breaking away from dominating and controlling and becoming a companion to your child.
This means that parents respect their child's feelings and thereby fully consider the child's needs.
One thing parents should be careful about at this time is that when the author says that they should fully consider the child's needs, there are many cases where they misunderstand that they should cater to the child's mood and give in to all of their whining, but that is not what he means.
Respecting a child's feelings doesn't mean giving them everything they want.
Respecting emotions requires being attuned to the child's overall developmental stage, not necessarily catering to their momentary mood.
We respect that every child possesses the wisdom necessary for their own growth, and we must focus on discovering their potential in a comfortable and caring environment.
Children constantly absorb the image of their parents.
So, you shouldn't become a parent 'unprepared'!
When we realize the impact our every action and choice has on our children, it can be overwhelming and overwhelming.
The author, too, as a new mother, shares her embarrassing experience with her five-year-old daughter, who constantly observed and absorbed her appearance.
“It was no longer just about me whether I ordered a diet soda or water, whether I ordered fries or a salad, whether I exercised in front of the television or just sat there and rested.
“How I spend my time, how I manage my anxiety, how I deal with failure, how I treat my husband, how I manage my money—all of these things affect my child, and ultimately, their life.”
Children constantly absorb the image of their parents.
Always watch, listen, and record in your head what your parents do and how they do it.
This is why we should not become parents 'unprepared'.
Usually, when we feel anxious and don't know why, we tend to vent those feelings.
They say that in such times, it is usually our children who have to bear the burden of our primal fears that are not revealed on the outside.
According to the author, who has been counseling parents for a long time, many parents actually have a hard time disciplining their children.
In particular, mothers often pass the burden of parenting on to fathers because they intuitively know that coercive discipline leads to harmful results.
The problem is that parents either get angry and vent their emotions, try to accommodate their child's mood, or don't know what else to do.
Usually, they don't know what to do and either lose their sense of judgment and explode with emotion or try to appease their guilt by bribing and rewarding the child.
In this book, the author understands and supports parents, who are also victims of poor parenting, and helps them release their latent, unresolved desires and suppressed grievances.
It emphasizes that parents themselves must realize and heal the wounds and oppression they suffered during their upbringing in childhood in order to accept their children as they are, and that parents can also find their center and grow mentally through their children who grow up with empathy and trust.
Why doesn't my child respect mom and dad?
Children who test their parents' sincerity
Our subconscious patterns contain tremendous energy.
This energy creates a certain mood for us, and children respond to that mood.
In other words, children react to their parents' unconscious words, actions, and attitudes, rather than to outwardly expressed instructions.
For example, a parent says this to his child the day before an exam:
“Grades aren’t that important.
“The important thing is that you do your best.”
If you tell your children that grades aren't important, but then subtly show disappointment or worry when their grades drop, they'll quickly pick up on your anxiety.
A child watches his or her parents' gestures, facial expressions, forehead wrinkles, and even the thinning of eyebrows.
Also, if parents enjoy going to McDonald's while teaching their children to eat healthy food, there's no reason to criticize their children for occasionally asking for a hamburger.
Ultimately, effective parenting focuses on the parents' "emotional responses," "hidden standards," and "consistent parenting attitudes," rather than the child's "misbehavior" and "superficial behavior."
Therefore, when parents fail to address their own latent needs and emotional patterns, they inadvertently have a negative impact on their children.
Once we have the courage to admit this, we realize that the root cause of our children's behavioral problems is not actually in the child, but rather in our own unresolved needs and unconsciousness. Furthermore, we realize that most of our children's behaviors are the result of the situations and structures we have created.
As a result, rather than worrying about things like, “Why does my child ignore what I say?” or “How should I discipline my child when he or she behaves in a problematic way?”, we as parents will naturally realize that setting a good example is a much more beneficial and effective way for our children’s future.
A child who becomes irresponsible every time he is saved from a crisis
“Let the consequences of one’s actions, not punishment, make them realize this!”
Are we trying to interfere and teach our children instead of letting them learn from natural outcomes? According to the author, the reason is simple.
Because as parents, we feel helpless when we feel like we have no control over our children's lives.
Helplessness creates anxiety.
Parents feel they must take action when their children behave in a way that defies expectations.
To save, punish, or appease.
However, to help your child understand the consequences of his or her actions, you need to step back and observe, while also being able to encourage and guide them when they need help.
For example, let's look at the story of a mother who drove her daughter to school every morning so that she wouldn't be late, even though she always missed the school bus.
Eleven-year-old Nicole often procrastinated and missed the school bus every morning.
Nicole's mother drove her daughter to school to avoid getting scolded by the teacher for being late.
One morning, Nicole's mother suddenly realized something.
My daughter needs to learn how to manage her time, and part of it is my fault as a mother that she can't.
When Nicole's mother realized she wasn't helping her child, she changed her approach.
When Nicole had to wake up in the morning and leave for the school bus, her mother didn't intervene like she used to to make sure she was ready on time.
As expected, Nicole missed the school bus.
Instead of rushing out, putting on her coat, grabbing her car keys, and running out, Mom leisurely sipped her coffee in her pajamas.
Nicole soon realized that her mother would not give her a ride.
“Mom, what do I do now? I’m in big trouble.
“Please help me,” she said, feeling uneasy as she watched her daughter speak anxiously, but she felt she had to let her child accept the natural consequences of being lazy.
So instead of blaming, I gently connected the cause and effect and let Nicole sit for about five minutes to process her uncomfortable feelings.
Then he said this:
“Let’s think of a solution,” Nicole said calmly a few minutes later.
“Class has already started.
So I think I should go to the teachers' office and get a late notice and write it down."
That day, Nicole wrote a note explaining her tardiness and never missed the school bus again.
Don't trap your child in his mistakes, teach him!
Why was it that Nicole was able to learn in a single day what she had struggled to teach for weeks? Because her mother got out of the situation and watched the natural consequences unfold.
When parents, as superiors, try to control their children, it is an attempt to eliminate the risks that come from the uncertainties of life.
In other words, the reason parents intervene when their child misbehaves is to avoid putting the child in danger.
Parents may feel sorry for their children and say they worry, but it's natural for children to experience anxiety as they go through life, and in the process, they develop resilience.
We often say, "If you do something wrong, you should accept the consequences." This is one of the lessons many parents believe they must teach their children.
However, the author says that parents have a misconception.
The result is something that happens naturally as a result of a certain behavior, and it is not something that parents intervene to punish.
If there is a cause, there will be an effect; that is, the law of cause and effect is the most fundamental law of the universe.
The only reason children fail to learn this important principle is because parents try to intervene and save them, or force them to reflect.
The author speaks about the 'real parental role' that parents should play for their children.
“Parents should equip their children with the appropriate skills needed to survive.
Otherwise, it would be like sending your child out as a failure.
“We should educate children, not trap them.”
Additionally, the authors say that the only time parents should protect their children from natural consequences is when there is a real risk to their safety.
For example, when a child tries to run into a road, swallow a poisonous substance, or otherwise harms himself or herself or others.
Except in cases like this, the rule is to be cautious when parents intervene.
As parents, we should not punish our children for living their own unique lives, but rather guide them to understand themselves and shape their lives in ways that are true to themselves.
This is how we encourage children to continue their true journey of life.
Effectively inform the standards of 'yes' and 'no'
How to teach your child limits
How should parents teach their children boundaries and standards? Even when parents say no, children can sense whether parents truly mean no or are just trying to turn a blind eye.
It's not because the children are clever, but because the parents are not consistent or firm, and show different sides of themselves depending on their own convenience.
If parents make decisions consistently, not arbitrarily or dogmatically, and clearly state the purpose of those decisions, and are aware of the child's wishes and plans, the child will respect the parent's decisions even if the parent does not like them.
Otherwise, he says, parents should be careful because if they try to avoid conflict with their children or make decisions under pressure from those around them, it can actually lead to greater conflict and resentment.
Let's look at the following example.
“A child asks his parents to buy him an iPad.
He said that all his friends had it.
Parents feel that it is not a necessary item for the child and that the child's curiosity about new things will soon fade.
But because they want to please the child and are not sure of their own beliefs, they end up giving in to the child's demands."
The author warns that if children don't learn to manage their emotions as children, especially how to respond appropriately when told "no," they may not be able to manage depressed feelings as adults.
So, they either throw tantrums like two-year-olds or binge drink, claiming it's a more adult way of doing things.
The author actually says that all of these behaviors are caused by an inability to control one's emotions and accept reality as it is.
“I understand you want an iPad.
But let me tell you why that matters to you.
If we both agree that having it would make your life better, then let's figure out how to get an iPad.
There is also a way for you to cover some of the costs.
“We also need to set standards for how we will use it.”
When parents and children have these conversations, children begin to understand that their parents don't just let them buy things on a whim, but rather make decisions after careful thought.
By consistently using these meaningful conversations, children will feel like their parents are on their side.
When there are mutually agreed-upon expectations about something, parents don't need to take on the role of supervisor.
However, this is only when the child is old enough to keep the agreement.
If parents attempt to reach such an agreement while their child is still young, they should be fully prepared for the chaos that will arise if expectations are not met.
Therefore, it is important for parents to first resolve their own long-standing emotional issues before telling their children boundaries and standards of “yes” or “no.”
Learning appropriate limits during childhood is a very important part of a child's development.
However, getting angry or punishing a child for misbehaving is not the right way to go.
At this time, you need to leave the situation so that the child realizes that he will not get what he wants with such behavior.
When teaching your child limits, remember to be firm but loving.
The Two Wings of Discipline: Observation and Intervention
How to fully monitor your child's growth
Being excluded from something is not a pleasant experience for anyone.
But it is also a normal life experience that everyone encounters as they live.
But when one mother finds her elementary school-aged daughter complaining that she wasn't invited to her friend's birthday party, she decides to step in and take matters into her own hands.
Let's look at what problems this mother's response leads to.
I couldn't just watch my twelve-year-old daughter's disappointment when she complained about not being invited to her friend's birthday party.
She called the mother of the child whose birthday it was.
As it happened, the mother was a member of Sheila's reading group, and Sheila asked Maria to invite her to the birthday party.
But the mother was so angry that Sheila was making such a request that she refused to deal with either Sheila or Maria.
When Sheila came to me, furious with her mother and ready to start a war, I told her that if I had just accepted her disappointment, nothing would have happened.
The author says that not being invited to a birthday party is a normal life experience that everyone faces, and is not something to feel inferior about.
The mother overly identified with her child's emotions, preventing the child from experiencing normal life experiences.
Because of this, my daughter was robbed of the opportunity to develop a very important skill in life: resilience.
The real problem was that Sheila herself was suffering from an inferiority complex among people.
So, when he saw his daughter disappointed, he felt anxious and tried to control her social relationships.
In effect, the mother said this to her daughter.
“You can't handle this situation.
“I’ll take care of it for you.”
The mother was subconsciously identifying herself with the child.
With the implicit message, “If you don’t get invited to a good place, I’ll step in and make sure you get the treatment you deserve from our family.”
If parents had sat down with their children from the beginning and let them experience their emotions, they could have gently guided them to understand that they can't always get what they want in life.
By understanding and accepting her child's emotions, the mother will have shown her child how to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of life.
Most of us have never learned to accept our emotions, whether they are intense pleasure or pain.
So, when something happens right now, you can't deal with it with sincerity.
So, parents usually say this.
“You’re upset.
“Mom/Dad will buy you ice cream.”
The author says this is an attitude of trying to be a good parent but avoiding the real problem.
Because I can't stand seeing my child suffer, I can't let him be sad.
When we unconsciously intervene in situations where we shouldn't, our children fail to develop the ability to flexibly cope with the ever-changing tides of life.
Parents are preventing their children's wit from developing naturally.
A book that offers solutions to the difficult problem of raising children.
Now is the time to properly read the signals your child is sending.
Parents raising children inevitably go through a period of confusion.
Sometimes, there are serious disruptions to the planned schedule.
The child often wets the bed at night, wakes up to walk around, and has nightmares that keep him or her up at night.
It can certainly feel tiring to wake up several times a night to take care of your child or change the blanket.
If, instead of turning these situations into disciplinary issues, we view them as normal occurrences that occur naturally during rapid development and avoid blaming or criticizing the child, the problem can become one of enduring the anxiety and discontent that arises within us.
The author says that what we as parents should do at this time is not to harshly discipline children going through turbulent times, but to calm ourselves and find our center.
This way, you can easily ride the various waves that arise when raising a child.
As waves rise and fall repeatedly, parents can calmly navigate them instead of labeling them as “good” or “bad.”
All parents always believe that they exist for their children.
I believe in listening to children and helping them.
The author says that few parents realize that in countless cases, they do the exact opposite.
Being present for our children means being aware of our subconscious standards and being awake to not impose them.
Listening to a child means hearing them without intruding our own thoughts, opinions, or judgments.
Consistently supporting a child's growth and development means being willing to let go of our own ideas about how a child should live his or her life.
Because those thoughts are based solely on our own inclinations and experiences, not on those of children.
So, how can we abandon the idea of constantly correcting our children and instead establish a genuine connection with them? Let's take a look at the author's six-step, win-win strategy that satisfies both parents and children.
To make these six steps easier to remember, the author named them 'WINNER', taking the initials of each step.
The steps that 'WINNER' represents are as follows:
Witness: Watching
Inquire: Ask a question
Neutrality: Maintaining neutrality
Negotiate: To negotiate
Empathize: Empathize
Resolve: Resolve
When children feel any emotion, even if it is negative, do not try to distract them or get them out of their way, but just watch them quietly.
This is how children learn to reflect on themselves.
Otherwise, if children try to get confirmation from their parents every time they feel something, they will lose their sense of self.
Additionally, when children are judged to be bad or wrong about their feelings, they increasingly try to hide their feelings.
The author says that parents must be realistic in order to be present, listen, and helpful to their children.
Because no one can be completely free from the standards in their own subconscious.
So, we need to carefully examine whether it is affecting our emotions and hindering our communication with our children.
Breaking away from a control- and discipline-centered parenting style is not easy for parents because it goes against what we've been taught and how we were raised.
The author says that if we are to go down this path, there must be some degree of awareness within parents that allows them to move in a new way, separate from their own habitual reactions.
Children deserve to grow up with parents who help them live full lives and discover their own worth.
This is because only then will children’s sense of wholeness and self-esteem expand.
This is our calling as parents, charged with the sacred task of raising children and their rights.
GOODS SPECIFICS
- Date of issue: July 28, 2023
- Page count, weight, size: 384 pages | 650g | 153*218*30mm
- ISBN13: 9791190457279
- ISBN10: 119045727X
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