If your relationship doesn't work out despite your efforts
If you want to restore a broken relationship

“How did our relationship end up like this?”
Relationship classes that stop habitual judgments and foster intimacy
Mindfulness is observing the expressions and actions of others, including yourself, and understanding what they are feeling.
It is the ability to think, understand, and predict what you want.
_In the prologue

Relationship Resilience Classes to Repair Hurt Relationships and Avoid Regrettable Breakups

The closer and more important the relationship is, such as between a spouse, a parent and child, or a long-time friend, the more likely it is to be hurt and the more difficult it is to repair the relationship.
Many people value interpersonal relationships and strive to build good ones, but they still seek counseling because of difficult and challenging interpersonal relationships.
Why do relationships always seem to stagnate, no matter how hard we try? In his new book, "The Language of Relationships," psychiatrist and author Moon Yo-han explains the reason: "We're too preoccupied with reflexive, self-centered mind-reading, failing to understand our own or the other person's feelings."


In his previous work, "Time to Read Relationships," which is considered a "long-term bestseller in relationship psychology," the author introduced the concept of "boundaries" as a starting point for restoring the balance between "me" and "relationships." This time, he focuses on the process of restoring relationships without losing himself.
And as a solution to human relationships that only become more complicated the more you try, I propose a language of relationships called 'mentalization.'


The human mind perceives and communicates with each other in two systems.
The reflexive 'mind reading' that makes it easy to jump to conclusions about others and the ability to 'mind-read', which is the ability to understand the human mind.
Consideration and effort made without understanding the heart can sometimes harm and sever relationships.
As humans, we cannot avoid 'mind reading', but if we want to repair damaged relationships and build intimacy, we must cultivate the strength to return to mind reading at any time.
And to do that, we need to practice the ‘language of mindfulness.’

A relationship where I am getting smaller is not a good relationship.
A good relationship is a relationship of mutual expansion in which 'I, you, and we' all grow, and this can be created through mindfulness.
Just as IQ is important in cognitive learning, ‘relational intelligence’ is important in human relationships.
The core of relational intelligence is understanding the mind.

--- From the "Prologue"

When we look into the heart that is suffering from conflict, what that heart truly wants is simple.
It's about resolving conflicts, understanding each other, and connecting deeply.
So, before rushing into a painful relationship, you need to put in as much effort as you can.
Rather than arguing over what is right and wrong or who was more at fault, it is more important to talk about what is difficult and what you truly want from the other person.

--- 「Chapter 1 1.
From “The Core of Respect”

I'm not saying you didn't try.
Your consideration was just self-centered.

--- 「Chapter 1, Section 4.
From "True Consideration"

In a word, ‘mind reading’ means understanding the human mind.
Why do some people resolve conflict and rebuild relationships, while others end up severing them? Why do some parents pass on their wounds to their children, while others become better parents? Peter Fonagy believes the key lies in "mindfulness," defining mindfulness as "paying attention to and understanding the hearts of oneself and others."
Simply put, mindfulness is the ability to understand and predict what other people, including yourself, feel, think, and want by observing their expressions and actions.

--- 「Chapter 1, Section 9.
From "What is 'Mindfulness'?"

Therefore, simply remembering the past is not an important criterion for classifying attachment styles.
Even if you did not receive love and care from your parents during childhood, if you can explain and understand those experiences in a balanced and stable way, you can classify it as an 'earned secure attachment.'
Therefore, the most important abilities in assessing adult attachment are ‘metacognition’ and ‘mindfulness’.
Metacognition refers to higher-level cognition, such as 'thinking about thinking'.
As metacognition develops, which is the ability to observe and regulate one's own cognitive processes, one can become more objective about oneself.
For example, you know very well what you know and what you don't know.
When metacognition is applied to human relationships, the ability to understand the mind develops.
These two abilities provide the foundation for stepping back and examining the inside and outside of an experience, objectifying, integrating, and contextualizing the experience.
If so, we can see that secure attachment goes beyond simply being able to form and maintain stable relationships; it also serves as a conductor that guides the development of a higher level of consciousness.

--- 「Chapter 2, Part 1.
From “Attachment Types of Adults”

Healthy adult relationships are built on horizontality and reciprocity.
In contrast, unhealthy adult relationships are always out of balance.
There are people who only consider the feelings of others and do not consider their own feelings at all, while there are also cases where it is the exact opposite.
It's all a failure to understand the heart.
Unlike other-oriented empathy, mindfulness emphasizes the 'balance' of self and relationships.
But other-centeredness doesn't simply come from immaturity.
Since this may be a survival strategy that children have adapted to survive psychologically in situations where they do not receive mirroring, in order to escape from other-centeredness, mourning and recovery from the deficiencies and wounds of childhood must come first.

--- 「Chapter 2, Section 4.
From “Balance of Relationships”

Relationships are made of language.
The language of relationships is broadly divided into the ‘language of judgment’ and the ‘language of consideration.’
The former is based on mind-reading, the latter on mind-reading.
Mindreading is judgmental and prioritizes self-preservation, whereas mindfulness is non-judgmental and prioritizes interaction.
The language of judgment is hard, cold, and closed.
In comparison, Heareum's language is soft, warm, and open.
It's not the speaker, but the listener who should feel this way.
As your ability to understand others' feelings develops, your speech also changes.
The ability to speak with understanding is not an innate talent.
It is either a natural internalization of countless interactions or a product of effort born from a heart that values ​​relationships.

--- 「Chapter 2, Section 6.
From “The Language of Reading, the Language of Calculation”

But there are times when we suddenly let go of our strict standards.
This is when there is something 'more important' or 'more desired' than the standard or obsession.
When you feel that caring for your own physical and mental health is more important than trying your best, that your children's health and happiness are more important than getting along with your parents, and that expressing your sincerity is more important than getting along with everyone, the flow of energy shifts and you can re-evaluate your standards.
As Jeong-ho watches his struggling son, he struggles with what is more important.

--- 「Chapter 3, Section 3.
Among the “best standards”

How can we practice mindfulness in our daily lives? One way is to engage in "self-talk" about the thoughts, feelings, and judgments that arise in our minds.
If the mind is a mirror, and the thoughts, emotions, sensations, and judgments that arise in the mind are an image reflected in the mirror, then 'talking to oneself for mindfulness' is looking at that image and describing its appearance.
For example, let's say I feel like my teammates are making fun of me.
In that case, add “~geuna!” to that feeling.

“I think my teammates are talking bad about me!” he says, not once but several times.
It's better to say it in writing.

--- 「Chapter 3, Section 5.
From “The Non-Judging Mind”

A team of social psychologists led by Abraham Tesser of the University of Georgia asked families with children ages 11 to 14 to record all disagreements they had about things like TV channel selection and homework time.
Research has shown that teenagers who have more conflicting opinions with their parents are happier, more socially adjusted, and do better in school.
For those who don't quite understand, there is one prerequisite.
The above results were possible when parents resolved their disagreements with their children through open dialogue.
Communication expert Ian Leslie calls this "calm confrontation."
This means 'acknowledging that there may be differences of opinion and calmly resolving them through dialogue within a relationship or group.'
At this time, it is important to use ‘active questions’ that promote mindfulness.

--- 「Chapter 3, Section 7.
Among the “active questions”

After being married for over 20 years, Kyung-eun increasingly thinks about divorce.
My husband is a successful businessman.
At first glance, she seems to have nothing to envy: she gives me a credit card that I can use as much as I want, she buys me expensive gifts every time I return from a business trip, and she even takes good care of my family's jobs and allowances.
But there is always an emptiness in my heart that cannot be filled.
During the consultation, Kyung-eun said that if she had heard this even once, she would not have considered divorce.
“What did you do today?”
--- 「Chapter 3, Section 8.
From “The Calculation of Daily Life”

People with severe self-discord often have rigid and directive internal dialogue.
It's closer to a one-sided command, like 'You should do this!' or 'You should be this kind of person!'
But when you can be self-aware and kind, you are not dragged along by such commands.
For example, let's say you had a rigid inner language that said, "You have to take care of other people first."
As self-kindness grows, questions like these begin to arise:

“Why do you always have to take care of me?”
“But now I’m tired.”
“You could act differently each time, right?”

The same applies when something doesn't go as planned or when you make a mistake.
The more severe your self-discord, the more likely you are to blame yourself, but as your self-kindness increases, you can offer understanding and comfort instead of blame.

--- 「Chapter 3, Section 9.
From “The Language of Self-Care”

Let's say you're sick and you're upset because your family doesn't seem to care much about you.
Can you calmly express your frustration? Expressing it verbally is different from blaming the other person or getting upset with things like, "Why are you so indifferent?" or "Why are you such a bad person?"
People who are good at expressing their feelings are good at conversation.
It is about being able to express your feelings and desires, what you feel and what you want from the other person.
For example, you could say, “I’m sick, but I’m upset because you didn’t even ask if I was okay.”
Of course, when the other person hears that, they immediately say, “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry.
You may not answer by saying, “I’ll ask you later.”
Rather, you might retort, “Do you really have to express it in words? I don’t usually talk about it even when I’m in pain.”
Then you can say what you want like this.
--- 「Chapter 4, Section 1.
From “The Framework of a New Relationship”

People who are good at reading minds are not those who have overcome their egocentrism, but those who are well aware of their egocentrism.
So, I can be less disappointed and more accepting of things that don't go my way.

--- 「Chapter 4, Section 2.
Step 1: Turning on the Mindfulness Switch

Being a good conversationalist is like being a good driver.
A mindful conversation is a conversation that does not lose sight of its destination, and that ultimate destination is 'understanding and connection.'
The reason conversations fail is because we forget the purpose of the conversation midway.
A conversation is like water, it flows smoothly, but if something gets in the way, it will flow somewhere else.
Especially, you lose direction the moment the other person reacts differently from your intention.
In such cases, we often blame the other person, saying that they reacted in an odd way and ended up in the wrong place.
But it is strictly my responsibility to go towards the destination.

--- 「Chapter 4, Section 5.
Step 4: Metacommunication

Every relationship has its ups and downs.
Ideally, a horizontal and equal relationship where both parties care equally is desirable, but in reality, the relationship is often tilted towards one side or the other.
One side likes and helps the other more.
The important thing is to know how much tilt you can tolerate in a relationship.
We must detect and adjust the imbalance in the slope of the relationship within our own limitations.

--- 「Chapter 4, Section 7.
From “Recovering the Slope of Relationships”