'Can't I take back what I said?'
The moment when you want to go back by pressing the reset button
A Relationship-Repairing Word Recipes

'Why did you say that back then?'
'I should have just stayed still!'
'Wouldn't it have been better not to say that?'
Haven't we all experienced the experience of kicking the blanket, unable to sleep due to these regrets creeping in just before bed? Every time, we feel frustrated, wondering why we can't have a perfect conversation free of regrets?

The author, who has a unique perspective on human relationships and communication due to his unique background as a theater major, says in this book that we all make mistakes when we talk, and that even if we do make a mistake, it is more important to not be afraid and to properly correct it.
Through the author's various situations and practical coping strategies, let's learn how to win back a lost battle even if you mess up a conversation.

A person with excellent communication skills does not mean someone who 'never makes mistakes'.
This refers to a person who does not give up on their relationship with others, does not let mistakes become mistakes, and is able to ‘correct mistakes.’
Rather, people who make a lot of mistakes tend to be kind to others, relaxed, and confident in their communication with others.
This is because I have a wealth of experience in recovering from mistakes as many times as I have made them, so I know that I can recover from mistakes even if I make them.
This book summarizes training tips to make conversations and relationships smoother.
The trick is introduced through specific, easily recallable, frequently occurring situations.
--- p6, from 'Starting'

Even if you do something you regret, your relationship with the other person will not become zero at that moment.
So, the most important thing is not to give up on the relationship.
If you take the attitude of 'I don't care what happens now', you won't be able to come up with a way to resolve the situation in the first place.
If the situation and relationship are left unattended, it may get worse, but the chances of it getting better are slim.
There are many cases where the feelings of 'I don't want to be hated by the other person' or 'I don't want to ruin the relationship any longer' are so strong that one is unable to say anything, let alone try to mend the situation.
However, if you think about how to approach the other person and think about how to recover from a mistake without having the right answer, certainty, or confirmation, then at that point you have already taken the first step toward recovery.
--- p27, from 'Even if it's not the right answer, it can be fixed'

The more I think about having a conversation, the more I find myself wondering what to say or what to ask.
But, in reality, you can maintain smooth interpersonal relationships without having to talk, just by saying a word when leaving.
For example, when the other person gets off the elevator first, press the open button, say “Goodbye,” and smile.
If you are the first to get off, say “Excuse me first” and then bow.
Just doing this will change the impression you give to the other person.
Because we are overly conscious of the other person's reactions and responses, we become afraid and hesitant to talk.
Even if it's just one word, if you talk with the feeling of 'leaving it there', you'll have fewer regrets like 'I should have done this'.
--- p33, from 'We were left alone in the elevator at work, and the mood became awkward because I missed the right moment to talk to him'

To bridge the gap that has already formed, it is more effective to try to gradually increase friendly contact rather than worrying about this and that.
While it's certainly nice to exchange a quick hello or nod as you pass by, asking for favors is even more effective in bridging the gap.
Because people have a fundamental desire for recognition, they feel that the other person needs them when they receive a request.
So, when you help someone with a request, you may feel like, 'I helped this person because I like him,' and you may think of him in a more favorable light.
In psychology, this is called 'cognitive dissonance theory'.
--- p52, from 'I kept refusing to have lunch together at work, so I think he sees me as someone who is difficult to get close to'

If you use words like the 'G word' as a habit, it can be a major obstacle to communication, so you need to be careful.
G-words are negative words that begin with the letter 'G', such as 'even so', 'that's right', 'that's right', and 'even so'.
These words, when used, carry negative connotations, regardless of one's intention.
The reason you should be wary of the G-word isn't just because it can make the other person feel rejected.
This is because using these words automatically leads to negative thoughts and negative views becoming ingrained in your mind.
--- p70, from 'I heard people say, 'Why are you so negative?'

The phrase “I told you before” means that the desire to be understood has not been satisfied.
So, by thinking, 'I conveyed it correctly, so it's the other person's fault if they don't understand,' they try to protect their own righteousness.
But let's think about it calmly. Even if the other person has a problem, will saying, "Didn't I tell you this before?" make any difference? If you say, "How many times do I have to tell you?", will the other person understand right away?
The only thing the other person can understand from your annoying words is the feeling of being annoyed.
If you get annoyed, the other person may feel a little scared and embarrassed.
However, the behavior does not improve and the same thing is likely to happen again.
--- p79, from 'I was annoyed by the person who asked me the same thing over and over again, so I coldly said, "Haven't I told you this before?"'

For me, it's not difficult, so I'll be able to learn it quickly.
I was thinking of saying something like, 'It's okay,' but I think what the other person took it as was an accusation like, 'Can't you even do something this simple?'
In the first place, it is not me but the other person who decides whether something is a big deal or not.
By the time the other person seriously requests counseling, the situation is already quite dire for them.
Even if it's something that I don't think is a big deal.
When dealing with others, let us be conscious of respecting their values, emotions, feelings, and emotions, rather than judging them.
Then, there would be no need to utter a careless word in the first place.
--- p85, from 'I tried to comfort him by saying, "It's not a big deal," but he said, "You don't even know."'

For example, if you point out someone else's mistake, as in this case, and they react unexpectedly, quickly realize that you are attacking them out of anger. Instead, try to change your mindset and words by properly expressing your opinion, such as, "Recycling isn't being separated, so I hope you take action."
“You must separate your waste.
If you know that person well, it would be great if you could teach me how to convey this message.”
The problem in the first place is the behavior of 'not separating trash before throwing it away', not the character.
In addition to these cases, be careful of words or actions that seem to deny someone's personality, as these are highly aggressive and often ruin interpersonal relationships.
--- p98, from 'I talked behind his back, but he responded, "He's not that bad of a person." Somehow, I feel like I'm the only one who's bad.'

If you decline an invitation and then get caught going to another gathering, don't panic and come up with excuses.
Making excuses can lead to repeated lies, and the situation can become more complicated.
If you declined an invitation not because you felt uncomfortable with the other person, but because you wanted to continue to be on good terms with them, why not try inviting them first after some time has passed?
You might think, 'Wouldn't they think it's shameless to invite someone after making them uncomfortable?'
Only the other person knows if they really think that way.
You might get angry and say that you are shameless, but the other person might also be quite hurt and afraid to face you.
If you invite someone and they clearly show dislike, forcing them to do so will be counterproductive.
So, just tell them that you want to meet and talk, and wait for the right time before talking again.
--- p153, from 'I forgot that I had declined the invitation with the excuse of work and uploaded a photo of another gathering on SNS, and I think I got caught.'

If you forget a date, don't just say, "I'm so sorry. Are you free next week?" Instead, suggest something like, "If it's alright, would you like to go to that restaurant you mentioned last time? I'll ask if you can make a reservation if we can go together."
This is a way to express not only an apology but also a favor.
The other person may have been hurt because they felt, 'You didn't keep your promise = You think that I don't care what happens to me.'
In this case, even if you desperately explain, “I didn’t think of it that way,” it won’t be convincing because you’ve already broken your promise.
So, you have to think about what you can do for that person.

--- p160, from ““I got a text saying, ‘We decided to meet tomorrow, right?’ and when I thought about it, I completely forgot and had already made another appointment.”