Have you ever heard someone say, “I need to learn to love myself before I can love anyone else,” or “My problem is my low self-esteem,” or “I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t stop”?
---From the "first sentence"

Who am I, the self I'm supposed to love and respect, and why is it so difficult? Who is it that makes me do things I don't want to do? Are we meant to be forever plagued by the critical voice in our heads, constantly criticizing ourselves? Is there a better way to address the deep-seated sense of worthlessness within us? How can we reduce the inner noise that unsettles us and distracts us?
--- p.23

At first this may seem absurd.
Why would you want to focus on and feel compassion for that critical inner voice that discourages you, that terrifying fear that freezes your brain under extreme pressure, that anger that suddenly takes over your mind and makes you hurt others, and your sensitive heart that makes you feel easily hurt and worthless?
--- p.35

Our anxiety-provoking thoughts and feelings are the voices of inner personalities that have been forced to play extreme roles in the painful events of our lives, and understanding them in this way can help us relate to them differently.
--- p.38

The most amazing thing I've discovered is that as you do this work, what I call your Self, or your True Self, is released and liberated.
I've found that when people focus on and detach from their extreme emotions and thoughts, the qualities of good leadership, both internally and externally, naturally emerge.

--- p.40

If you want to liberate yourself, you must first know that you have a true self.
If you don't know who you really are, you can't be that person.
You will regard fleeting experiences of the true self as aberrations or illusions, and limit yourself to the self-image you have known so far.
When asked how he created such a magnificent David from a block of marble, Michelangelo famously said, "He was already in the marble before I started working on it; I simply removed the stone around him."

--- p.55

The gods were very wise.
For many of us, the last place we look for peace and joy is within ourselves.
We look for it in other places: in intimate relationships, in our jobs, in purchases, in travel, in spiritual leaders, in self-help groups, and in the grace of God on high.
--- p.65

However, this does not mean that when you are truly a monk, you walk around in a state of tranquility and selflessness like Buddha.
Like everyone else, we ride life's roller coaster, but the rides that once brought us extreme fear often become exciting, and while they can be painful, they can also be enjoyable.
If you were previously completely absorbed in an emotion or completely disconnected from it, you can now experience waves of emotion but never be completely swept away by them, a calm center that remains centered as “I” in the storm.
--- p.79

To clarify the meaning of compassion, let's contrast it with pity and sympathy.
Compassion is feeling sorry for someone who is suffering, but at the same time thinking it's fortunate that it's not me.
I'm so busy thinking about how I can avoid making mistakes that they make, so that I don't have to suffer because of them.
Sympathy involves both protective distancing and a degree of contempt.
--- p.84

This is the opposite of the tendency prevalent in our society to confine the wounded parts with an effort to “just forget it, don’t look back, and move on.”
As a result of this philosophy, we not only accumulate more and more burdens of pain, but instead of cherishing our wounded, childlike parts, we abandon and isolate them.
--- p.87

So, abusers attack people whenever they show signs of true leadership.
Because abusers know this is how they control people, almost all of my sexually abused clients report being verbally or physically punished whenever they acted in a spirited, spontaneous, or independent way.
As a result, they became afraid of their true selves and dissociated them from themselves, placing them outside their bodies.
--- p.89

But you won't get to this truth by sitting in a field and laughing, avoiding your anger, hurt, and sadness.
Your anger, your hurt, your sadness are the path to truth.
We have little truth to express unless we venture into the rooms and closets, the forests and abysses we are told not to enter.
--- p.94

At that time, I was unaware that I had an independently functioning personality within me.
Like most people, I have been socialized to believe that the mind is unitary, dominated by an intellectual part that successfully masks all other parts.
I used to think that anyone with autonomous personalities inside them had a serious mental illness.
--- p.110

My clients experienced their parts as people existing within themselves.
That is, the parts were experienced as personalities with various emotions and thoughts who were forced to take on the role of caregiver, which the client did not want to do due to the trauma he had experienced, but were afraid to give up that role.
--- p.127

As I focused on that anger and questioned it, I realized that it was the adolescent part of me, and that this part was not only angry, but also hurt and afraid.
--- p.132

It's no coincidence that I was afraid that if I got too close to the emotions I had banished, I would be overwhelmed.
Then, a crisis in my life brought out the parts of me that held the wounds and loneliness, and I had no choice but to understand and cherish them.
--- p.144

When our inner families are harmoniously connected, parts with specific talents come forward when their talents are needed, while other parts take a back seat.
For example, I work with athletes to identify areas where they excel in athletic ability and help them develop that ability consistently and consistently, rather than just occasionally.
--- p.147

When you think about how many parts of our lives interfere with us and make us feel terrible, it's natural to want to get rid of them.
--- p.150

Most of us have probably heard well-intentioned family and friends say something along the lines of, “Just forget about it.”
So we try to banish the aftereffects of past terrible events.
But by doing so, we banish not only the memories, sensations, and emotions, but also the parts of ourselves that were most hurt by the event.
--- p.163

I was told not to be angry, not to be selfish, not to be mean, and not to be greedy.
“Don’t be like that, don’t do that” was the message I internalized.
I started to believe that I was a bad person because sometimes I was mean, sometimes I was angry, and sometimes I wanted to eat all the sweets.
I believed that I had to get rid of these impulses to survive in my family and in the world.
So that's what I did.
Slowly I pushed them so far beneath my consciousness that I even forgot they were there.
When I was a teenager, I blocked myself off so much that I felt like a walking time bomb.
--- p.165

I think our culture forces men more than women to hide their vulnerable parts.
Women have been socialized to ostracize other aspects of themselves, such as assertiveness and power, but in some socioeconomic areas this trend appears to be changing.
But women are more likely to experience trauma from sexual assault, abuse, and harassment, and are more likely to live with the burden of worthlessness due to a culture of sexism that still permeates the country.
--- p.170

My inner child… showed up later in life… and wanted to tell me his secrets.
The child approached me very hesitantly and spoke to me first, but I couldn't understand him.
But the child took my hand and led me to a place I had been afraid to go to all my life.
I had to go there.
I couldn't turn away.
Because it was my territory, my own.
It was the place I had long ago tried to forget, the very place where I had abandoned the child who was me.
--- p.172

Outcasts soar when they receive the message that they are loved, but fall hard when their savior withdraws that love.
It's as if each of us were walking around with an invisible lock on our leg, desperately searching for someone with the key to open it.
--- p.179

Certain events or interactions act like matches, igniting emotional sparks that threaten to consume us.
We relive the burdens of fear, loneliness, humiliation, abandonment, despair, and worthlessness that the exiles carried.
If these outcasts take over completely, we may not be able to live normally.
--- p.181

Managers create narratives based on feedback from the outside world, such as "I am a good person," "I am a hard worker," or "I am a very strong person," and use these narratives for protection purposes.
That is, habitually good people banish the parts that make them angry, hard-working people don't spend much time on the parts that like playfulness or intimacy, and strong people hide their vulnerable parts.
--- p.183

People diagnosed with depression are dominated by pessimists.
If this pessimist decides to block you from external or internal stimuli to protect you from being hurt, you may end up feeling completely apathetic, helpless, hopeless, and worthless.
In this role, the pessimist is effective not only in paralyzing you but also in suppressing the vivid and intense emotions of the outcast.
--- p.190

When these efforts fail, firefighters resort to more extreme and socially unacceptable means, such as using illegal drugs, alcohol, suicidal thoughts or behaviors, anger and acts of domination, self-harm, compulsive sexual behavior, infidelity, theft, and engaging in punitive relationships.
--- p.198

Reading this book is a subversive activity.
This book aims to help you replace the authoritarian government within you with a form of pluralism where each part is recognized and free to do what it prefers, trusting in the non-coercive, heart-centered leadership of your true self.
--- p.209

You will be asked to listen to the inner voice of the caregivers' fears and tell the therapist what the caregivers are afraid of.
Common fears that caregivers feel include being judged by the therapist, being overwhelmed by vulnerable parts, not being able to do it right, and wondering why start when nothing can be changed.
--- p.217

For example, many people grew up in homes where direct expression of anger was forbidden, and so they may have suppressed the part of themselves that would speak out about injustices occurring within the family or be assertive in defending themselves.
Another part is accepting the family's beliefs about anger, so when angry thoughts start to arise, they immediately scold themselves or distract themselves.
This could be an example of what IFS calls an internal polarization between the two parts.
--- p.219

Your therapist's primary job at this point is to notice when you are stepping out of the state of self, to sense when other parts are trying to interfere, and to help you stay in the state of self by asking them to trust you and step back.
--- p.222

There are many reasons why parts may be reluctant to hand over control to your true self.
When they don't back off, your therapist is trained not to force them.
Instead, it's more likely that you'll ask these parts why they're afraid of separating from you.
--- p.223

In this way, IFS is a collaborative process.
Your true self and your therapist's true self together begin a journey to heal the inner systems of your parts.
You are the expert on your own experiences, the experiences you encounter on your own inner journey, and your therapist is the expert in helping you to develop true leadership as you go along this journey.
At first, your therapist will likely provide some direction, but gradually you will naturally take charge of this process, and your therapist will respect and encourage this tendency.
--- p.227

What does it mean to "heal a part"? What does a part need to heal? Having worked with IFS for decades, we've found that all parts generally need to let go of the extreme beliefs and emotions that have trapped them in rigid roles—in other words, to let go of the burdens of the mind.
--- p.229

Again, everyone's system is different.
That is, the level of fear, the speed, and the weight of the burden on the mind are all different for each person.
Naturally, people who have experienced a lot of abuse or trauma will take longer.
Many people feel discouraged at some point during their healing journey because it feels like there are endless parts that need to be healed.
It may feel that way at times, but I want you to believe that the pain you have to let go of is limited, and that there will come a time when you will feel much better.
--- p.234

Because the process of change is often like a roller coaster ride, it's helpful to work with a therapist who won't ride the roller coaster with you.
To use another metaphor, it's like a therapist who can be there for you even in the storm ('I' in the storm for you).

--- p.23