A single essay for those who dream of a happy life.
A record of all the beings who awakened love within me

Novelist Baek Su-rin, who has received praise from critics and readers for every work she publishes, including the Hankook Ilbo Literary Award, the Contemporary Literary Award, the Lee Hae-jo Novel Literary Award, the Munji Literary Award, and the Young Writer’s Award, meets readers with her new essay, “The Feeling of Being Happy for the First Time in a Long Time.”
This is the fourth book in Changbi's 'Essay &' series, which presents 'stories that shine between everyday life and the world.'
This story, which received the love of countless readers and recorded over 1,000 views per month when it was serialized on Changbi's online platform 'Switch' for four months starting this spring, is a poignant and dazzling record set in an old neighborhood in Seoul where author Baek Su-rin settled several years ago.
It contains stories about the neighbors I met in the neighborhood I moved into for the first time in my life after leaving my apartment, the pets and loved ones I lost there, the sadness and insights into life I gained through parting, and the everyday life of a female writer.


This new essay, which highlights author Baek Su-rin's thoughtful reflections and beautiful prose, is organically connected, allowing readers to fully experience the narrative of a person's life and growth.
Following this story, you will glimpse the splendid secrets of life: what it means to love your own life and where true happiness comes from.
As the praises such as “A book like a walk where the frozen ground melts beneath your feet” (recommended by Kim Ha-na) and “The most beautiful book I’ve read in a while” (recommended by Ahn Hee-yeon) suggest, this book will give readers the will to live, the beauty of being alive, and “a feeling of being happy for the first time in a long time.”

“Living is like a journey to find your own home.”
My sister said that while we were eating cake.
“It’s a journey to find a state where I can be at peace with myself, without being swayed by the words or gaze of others.”
Those words touched my heart.
--- p.40

Why is it that everything I love seems so trivial and useless in the eyes of the world?
But now I try not to feel guilty about loving useless things.
I want to live remembering the feelings of happiness that are divided into fine details.
Because in the end, those things are what will keep us alive.
--- p.59

Any living being, no matter what, needs boundless love.
And a being that has grown up receiving infinite love knows how to give love.
Bongbong was the first person to show me that even though I thought I was cold and selfish, there was so much love hidden inside me.
--- p.102

On the way back from my walk, I whispered to Bongbong.
Bongbong, that's a crescent moon. Isn't it beautiful? Let's see more crescent moons together in the future.
As soon as Bongbong got home, he staggered but bravely walked to the bathroom alone.
Our separation was inevitable, but for now, it was as if to remind me that we were both alive.
Today, through that small body, I learn that instead of easily giving in to the sorrow that will come in the future, we must do our best to live in the present, to live together.
--- p.120

You become more sensitive to everything, your senses of touch, sight and hearing awaken.
People in grief acquire sharper tentacles than ever before.
Every being who has lost a loved one feels the change in the world that has become unfamiliar overnight due to a single absence.
--- pp.130~131

The person who was talking about my fate said with a very embarrassed look on his face that I was born with a horoscope that makes me unsettled like a bird or the wind, and that I might get married very late or become the head of the household instead of a man.
The person who did my fortune telling felt sorry, but I really liked my fortune telling.
Free as a bird, as the wind! Could there be a more wonderful destiny? I interpreted his words, "You may marry very late in life or become the head of the household instead of your husband," as meaning a life of financial independence and self-reliance. It wasn't much different from the life I dreamed of, and it was a truly wonderful life.
--- p.175

It was a happiness that I didn't know how long it would last, but it didn't matter anyway.
After all, I was old enough to know that happiness is not something that lasts, but rather a fleeting sensation that sparkles beautifully and then disappears like a thief's eye in the deep night.
Although it was different from my poor imagination of forty when I was twenty, I had a feeling that my forties would be full of fun and exciting adventures.
I don't love myself every day like I wished I did as a child, but that's not all bad.
As I live on, I will write about my love for more beings outside of myself on the blank pages I will fill.
--- pp.224~225

Some of the writings included here were serialized on Changbi's online platform 'Switch' this summer, but the rest are a collection of writings I've written sporadically over the years since I became a writer and became acquainted with House on the Hill.
When I look at the manuscripts I wrote over a long period of time, I can see how things have changed over time.
Many things have changed, but as I was working on the writings I had written in the past, the beings I had thought I had lost quietly came to my side and stayed with me. Even though time erases many things, I have writing, so I can be with the things I had lost again and again, and I cannot help but be grateful.

When I returned to my house on the hill a few days later to resume writing after submitting the final manuscript for this collection and leaving for a short time, what I saw was the sight of the plants I had painstakingly planted and nurtured withering and dying while I had neglected to care for them.
It's a scenery I see over and over again every time I come back from a trip, and every time, the same spot is filled with grass and flowers that I didn't plant.

In the old days, I would have focused on the dead.
No matter how hard we try, how easily precious things can be damaged and ruined the moment we stop caring for them.
On the other hand, what tenacity and tenacious vitality do those things have that need to be eliminated?
As if the mind is inclined towards pessimism or discouragement, hatred and misunderstanding, and a deep-seated inferiority complex.
But now I turn my gaze towards living things.
Those born outside my limited capacity to care and see the light of day.
The lives given to me like an unexpected gift at the moment I stopped.
I like a world where 'I' am not everything.
I want to live leaving behind a land where things I didn't plant can bloom.

With such things in mind, I wrote and organized the essays included in this collection of essays.
Stories that start from my small, bright room and go far, a little further.
As a novelist, I always hesitate when I write non-fiction pieces, but I hope these pieces will reach those who need them.
(…)
Finally, I send a kiss of gratitude filled with endless affection to Bongbong, who has become the unmoving star in my heart.
If there is even a little bit of love in my writings in this book, it is all because Bongbong taught me.


In the house on the hill in early autumn,
Baek Su-rin

---From the author's note