Every time I asked myself the question of defining myself, the answer I always got was, "an imperfect monster."
The existence of a country seemed so destructively incompetent that it could only become perfect by destroying itself.
I thought I would continue to fail as written in the book, living a life of impulse and depression, playing with air.
Even Steve Jobs and Edison had ADHD, but that wasn't much of a consolation.
Unless I invent something comparable to the iPhone or the lightbulb, I'll never be able to feel happy about being on par with them.
Whenever my hopes faded, I wanted to read the writings of people who couldn't love themselves.
It would be even better if the author were a single Korean woman with ADHD who was taking her first steps toward narcissism.
But it wasn't there yet.
There was a popular optimism in the world that said, "Whatever you are, you are precious and beautiful," but it wasn't the right reassurance for me.
It seems that people who cry alone for a long time become wary of the easy way to laugh.
Actually, I wasn't okay, I had been on the run for years, just hanging on to life.
I wondered if other ADHD patients had white nights and dark days like me.
To be friendly and polite, I wrote my story first.
If I could send out my insufficient writings as an invitation, my old sense of defeat would become the host of a fun party.
--- p.10~11

The world is a more interesting place when viewed from both sides.
I used to hate myself for always forgetting things, and for forgetting things that were either really happy or really sad as if they never happened.
But now I think that forgetting is a gift from God, and I think I have received a little more of it than others.
'A life light without holding anything' became 'a life lightened by forgetting' when we changed our perspective.
I will continue to feel privately hopeless, but I will eventually be happy because they don't last.
--- p.19

At that time, my hidden future hope was simply to be a 'person'.
Not the "crazy, bewildered, and spinning-around-the-world" life of Shin-chan, but the refined state of adulthood, where you have the power to decide whether to live a good or bad life. A major reason I felt such a sense of defeat after being diagnosed with ADHD was the belated realization that this crazy mental illness had completely stolen my teenage years.
Although the regret of 'I lived badly' was minimal, the regret of 'I could have lived better' was serious.
It was past and present, real, yet an illusion.
For a long time, I couldn't accept or deny my illness because I felt that countless mistakes that had made my life unsatisfactory were due to my ADHD.
When I meet people who have a child or teen with ADHD, I often ask them to help them understand the condition.
Once they realize themselves, they can use themselves as a turning point in their lives.
Just as I, who grew up with a childlike mind and body, eventually overcame the chaos and moved on with life.
--- p.53~54

One of my acquaintances became even more depressed because he had no idea that he could be depressed.
Some people wonder why they are so careless and continue to be careless.
I couldn't be sure with my level of knowledge whether they had depression or ADHD, but it was rare for someone to hold it in for a long time and then have an emergency.
My only regret about my treatment process now is that I was too late.
I also had a deeply ingrained misconception that only severely pathological people should go to a psychiatrist.
But, after all, a hospital is a place you go to not to become a patient, but to not be a patient.
This is a place where I go to accept that I am a patient now so that I can have a better future someday.
--- p.122~123

And surprisingly, I… …loved picking gum off the stains in the hallway.
Removing gum was a task I had to perform after I finished writing my reflection paper in the hallway of the teacher's office.
All my friends and seniors who were being disciplined together hated it.
The good teacher gave us rubber gloves, but otherwise we had to handle the sponges, gum knives, and pom-poms with our bare hands.
It was dirty work.
But when I saw the hallway, which had been so clean that it was holy by my touch, I felt as happy as a farmer who had succeeded in growing three crops.
Why would I, a lazy and weak-skinned person, like that?
Sadly, I guess… … chewing gum was the only task I could do in school that gave me a sense of accomplishment.
While other kids were scraping together possibilities for their future careers, I was finding solace in collecting chewed gum.
The disadvantages I've experienced are largely my fault, but when I think about this point, I can't help but feel sad.
Sometimes, whenever I hear people say that ADHD doesn't exist and that medication and treatment are just psychiatric tricks, I think back to that moment when I squatted down and chewed gum.
I regretted that if I, who couldn't live in a group without offending others and who used self-loathing as a shield in my teens, had taken prescriptions instead of gum, my life might have been a little different.
If the pill I'm swallowing now had been given to me then, I might have run inside instead of out.
--- p.148

My desire to be perfect from the beginning eventually banished me from countless perfections.
I'm learning that when you tolerate sloppiness, you gain the ability to execute, and that you need a start to make progress.
If you're reading this and struggling with ADHD or another issue, I suggest you consider changing your goals rather than your abilities or work process.
It's much easier to be perfect in your shortcomings than to just be perfect.
Mojaram is a pretty good friend.
It may not make me a master, but it will make me an amateur who may or may not become a master.

--- p.195