“My dream is to die happily at the age of twenty-five.
“It’s a bit of a dark life, but please don’t hate me too much.”

※ Caution: You may get red strawberry juice while reading.

Average cumulative number of live broadcast viewers: 30,000…
The more you look at it, the more strangely it becomes. The first essay by Ryu Rai, a TikToker with 500,000 followers.

Ryu Rai, a TikToker with 500,000 followers, is revealing her stories, which she couldn't tell on TV, such as bullying, illness, and dreams, for the first time in the form of a secret diary with her fans.
“Everyone has a secret they only want to tell their best friend.” This book is the story of Ryu Lai, a 20-something Bangkok creator who says her wish is to die happily at the age of 25, but confesses that she must live hard every day for her parents, whom she loves the most in the world, and who first came into the world under her real name, ‘Yoo So-hee.’
His story may seem unusual at first glance, but it also resembles a secret story that anyone who has experienced a precarious and innocent childhood has at least one.
The appendix contains messages of support sent by the author's fandom, the Ryu Family, in the form of rolling paper.

Guilty pleasure.
It is a combination of the words 'Guilty', meaning guilt, and 'Pleasure', meaning joy.
Liu Lai's life is a mixture of guilt and joy.
Eating too much is not good for your health, but you can't stop eating sweet and sour raw strawberries.
I suffer from malicious comments that are so severe that my self-esteem is crumbling, but I can't quit TikTok because it allows me to meet the Ryu family children who love me.

--- p.10 From the "Prologue"

“Hey, don’t you smell like lard?” The moment I heard that guy say that, I knew right away that he was talking to me.
He poured the food on his plate into the trash can without taking a single bite and ran out of the cafeteria.
Usually, I eat everything because I feel bad about wasting food, but at that moment, I didn't even think about it.
That day, it was my favorite menu, but I threw it all in the trash and ran away to the infirmary.
(It was a stir-fried pork dish.) Then I covered myself with the blanket on the bed in the infirmary and cried.
I haven't been to the cafeteria since then.

--- p.30 From "A Secret, Friend"

The school I chose was a specialized high school.
When I was in my third year of middle school, many specialized high schools came to our school to promote their admissions.
But in my eyes, it was all just so-so.
I focused solely on evaluating the design of the school uniform.
Middle school life was tough, but I was truly happy when I looked at the uniforms of my seniors who came to promote the high school I would go to.
It was even better because I could kill time during boring classes.

--- p.83 From "Two Secrets, Japanese"

Actually, that wasn't the first time I seriously considered plastic surgery.
When I first turned twenty, I wanted to completely transform my appearance overnight, like the main character in a drama.
To do that, I had to lose weight first.
So the surgery that came to mind at the time was ‘full body plastic surgery.’
Because I was so daunted by the thought of starting a diet, I considered shortcuts like full body liposuction, hoping to buy a completely different 20s with money.
Of course, I have now succeeded in dieting on my own.

--- p.152 From “The Three Secrets of Diet”

After sitting in the rattling car for a while, I felt very uncomfortable.
Moreover, since it was a road going down to the countryside, there were many unpaved roads.
In the violently shaking car, the undigested strawberries in my stomach began to reflux little by little.
I tried desperately to stop the reflux, but the strawberries were already so far up my throat that I couldn't handle it.
I tried covering my mouth with my hand, but it wasn't enough.
In the end, I ended up pouring all the strawberries I had eaten on the back of my brother's head who was sitting in front of me.

--- p.165 From "Secret Four, Strawberry"

You say I'm mentally immature? Well, I won't deny it.
But what can we do?
They say that when I laugh and chat with them while broadcasting live, my mind feels at ease.
Isn't it wrong to find ways to calm my mind and find comfort? They can temporarily cure my mental illness, which countless doctors from prestigious universities and all the medications they've prescribed have failed to address.
--- p.222 From "Five Secrets, TikTok"

'Ah, I used to be quite an active person.' In the past, when I was home alone, I would always turn on music, dance, and get lost in my own world, becoming a virtual idol.
Right now, I'm just going to blankly stare and breathe and be done with it.
I realize how much I have changed.
How would my parents feel if they were watching me like this?
As I write this, I feel it once again.
And once again I start to fall into self-loathing.

--- p.275 From “Six Secrets, Introverts”

A life where I can die whenever I want to die.
How happy I am just imagining it.
Life is such that I don't know if I'll die tomorrow or the day after.
I think that being able to die whenever you want is a pretty happy fate, unless you die in a corner because something happened and you think, "If I'm going to live like this, I'd rather just die."
Please note that this is just my thoughts on happiness.
Anyway, I hope that the stereotype that death is always a negative thing will disappear.
I would like to say that there is a life that becomes comfortable through death.

--- p.304 From “Seven Secrets, Family”