We have a desire to be recognized as good people by others.
So, even though I want to act as I please, I act cautiously and cautiously, conscious of other people's opinions.
But among those who are always known to be kind to others, it is rare to find someone who takes good care of themselves.
To always be good to others, you must often be bad to yourself.


Me, who can't say anything at work because I'm worried about what my colleagues, juniors, and boss think; Me, who can't put my phone down even after work because I'm afraid I'll miss a single word people say in the group chat; Me, who ends up taking on work I hate because I'm worried about what my family thinks...
You must free me from the hell that is trapped by other people's standards.

--- p.17

I can't change what other people say or do that bothers me, but I can change how I react to it.
If we want to connect with empathy and respect, we must first focus on our own hearts.
A person who cannot empathize with his own heart cannot empathize with the hearts of others.
You may feel self-conscious, tired of the relationship, or want to end it.
Viktor Frankl, psychiatrist and author of Man's Search for Meaning, says that we must become the subjects of our own emotions.


"There is a space between stimulus and response.
In that space there is freedom and power to choose one's own response.
And our growth and happiness depend on our responses."

The space Frankl speaks of is a buffer zone between stimulus and response.
I have the freedom and power to choose how I react.
If we can calmly focus our minds, we can create a safe space between stimulus and response.
You can choose words and actions that will save your relationship.
--- p.22-23

If you can't tell the difference between colleagues and friends, you'll suffer a lot of psychological drain in your interpersonal relationships at work.
The more empathy and communication skills among colleagues are improved, the higher the work performance.
But teamwork and friendship are different.
Trying to befriend your colleagues, build friendships, and even establish personal emotional connections can actually hinder your work.
The saying, "Colleagues can't be friends" doesn't mean you shouldn't try to empathize deeply with your colleagues, but rather that you should focus on building wise relationships that focus on working collaboratively.

--- p.67

Words that we consider comforting may be 'emotional violence' to the listener.
The best comfort can be found in Counting the Age of the Dead Child, reminiscing about the memories of the deceased, and holding the hand of the grieving person.
First, you need to practice listening carefully to what the other person is saying.
It's easy to say, but hard to listen.
Empathy is understanding the other person's feelings through your own.
Look into the other person's eyes, nod, and hold their hand.
Empathy begins with actions, not words.
--- p.131

‘Empathetic conversation’ is a key element in maintaining relationships.
To have an empathetic conversation, just remember this one sentence.
“Don’t say what you think, say what you want.” This one rule is enough.
It is the principle of empathetic dialogue that saves people and relationships.
Of course, it's not easy.
The closer the relationship, the more likely it is that you will express your thoughts and judgments, hurting the other person's feelings, and the relationship may become distant as you exchange unwanted words.
Try practicing saying the same thing differently.
Instead of saying, “Don’t do that,” say, “I would really like it if you did this.”
It's not about ordering the other person, it's about asking them for something.
When given an order, we tend to want to refuse, but when given a request, we become more generous and want to comply.
It is very important to rephrase what you say in a way that will create positive feelings in the other person.

--- p.138

Have you ever watched a divorce trial in family court? Both parties accuse each other of "not being able to communicate."
Even when I do family counseling, the thing I hear most often is, “I can’t communicate with this person.”
We speak the same Korean, so why can't we communicate?

Because communication is emotional communication.
The reason we can't communicate is because we can't communicate emotionally.
If I express why I'm angry, what's upsetting me, or what I said that made me feel bad, the other person will understand and apologize or make excuses, but I often don't express my feelings and just close my heart.
Good feelings are conveyed more through facial expressions, eye contact, and gestures than through words.
However, when negative feelings arise between you and the other person, you need to express them verbally.

--- p.151-153

"It's not something you deserve to be hurt by, so why are you suffering? How can you live with such a weak heart?"
“You are so sensitive that I can’t say anything.
“I never intended to hurt you.”

The other person may not have intended to hurt you, or they may not even know they hurt you and feel no guilt. Even if they do know, they may proudly say they didn't mean to.
The 'intensity of the wound' is such that you can't just blame the other person.

Are you particularly vulnerable? If you're particularly sensitive, you may have many unhealed wounds inside.
It's hard for you, but it's also hard for people around you to be careful, so it's difficult to build comfortable relationships.

To have good relationships, you also need to train your mind.
As your heart muscles become stronger, the frequency and severity of your injuries decreases.
I can protect myself, I can speak up, and I can be less hurt.

--- p.217-218

A healthy relationship is one of equals and mutual respect.
However, there are people who suppress their own desires and emotions, and whoever they meet, they give the other person power in the relationship and are manipulated.
They tend to think that 'other people's evaluation = me'.
Other people's evaluations are simply their subjective thoughts.
Therefore, we must accept others' evaluations 'selectively'.
Then the other person can't manipulate me as they please.

“You are too slow in your actions.
“Move faster!”
“Sangmi, you lack creativity in planning.
“Watch carefully and learn when other team members present.”

Don't be swayed by such words, but accept them selectively.
The important thing is to objectively examine myself to see why I am so swayed by other people's words, hurt, blame myself, get angry, and feel sad.
--- p.229

I counsel many people who have suffered great pain.
It seems like the deeper the wound, the less likely it is that a person will have the strength to overcome it on their own, but surprisingly, that is not the case.
He already had the strength within him to overcome his pain.
When your self-esteem is low, your mental muscles are weak and you just can't find the strength to do it.
If just one person in a family or company steps forward and says something that boosts the self-esteem of those around them, it becomes contagious and the self-esteem of those around them also rises.

--- p.243-244