The youth of South Korea are sick these days.
It is also heartbreaking for teachers and parents to see them easily irritated, depressed, and listless.
How can we raise our youth to be truly healthy and happy? Can we restore the relationship between teachers and parents? Dr. Choi Seong-ae, Korea's leading psychotherapy expert, and Professor Cho Byeok, a world-renowned teaching method expert, present essential emotional coaching know-how for teachers and parents to restore the character of youth and revive their dreams. Emotion coaching, pioneered by child psychologist Dr. Haim Ginert and systematized by Dr. John Gottman, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, through 30 years of relationship research, is a relationship technique that "empathizes with a child's feelings while setting clear limits on their behavior and guiding them in a desirable direction."

Why do Korean youth need emotional coaching? Because during adolescence, a period of unstable brain and physical development, children who receive emotional coaching can regulate their emotions, reduce stress, and develop positive problem-solving skills.
Additionally, children who regain positivity and self-esteem through emotional coaching have increased concentration, improved academic performance, and are able to develop their true selves and function smoothly in society.

In particular, Dr. Choi Seong-ae, a Gottman Certified Therapist, is a leading authority on emotional coaching and has implemented it in psychological counseling and various healing programs for at-risk youth, verifying its effectiveness and necessity.
Professor Cho Byeok has been suggesting the direction we should take for the future of our youth and the future of our education, as well as strategies for implementing them, and has argued that the restoration of character is more urgent than private education.
The two authors emphasize that 'emotional coaching' is the most necessary measure for our youth, who are crushed by the overheated competition for college entrance.

Practical tips for teachers and parents to truly empathize with children and raise them with love.

If memory, perception, reasoning, and calculation, commonly represented by IQ, are the power of the head, then empathy, communication, understanding, emotional expression, and the ability to deal with relationships can be called emotional intelligence, which is the 'power of the heart.'
It is the ability to recognize, express, and regulate one's own emotions, and to read and empathize with the emotions of others.
Research has shown that people with high emotional intelligence are happier, more successful, healthier, and more influential to others.

This emotional intelligence is also very important for children and adolescents.
But unfortunately, many teenagers today are emotionally exhausted.
One of the most common phrases used at an age when we should be lively and joyful is “I’m so annoyed!”
It is not just the children's fault, but rather a problem with the overall environment, including home, education, and society.
These days, children are burdened with all kinds of stress, including studying and competition, from a young age, and they lack opportunities or experiences to become emotionally enriched.
The good news is that there is hope for emotional fulfillment for these children through emotional coaching.

― From [Chapter 3: 21st Century Survival: Emotional Coaching to Increase Emotional Intelligence]

The frontal lobe, which controls thinking, judgment, planning, impulse control, and emotional regulation, undergoes extensive remodeling and expansion during adolescence.
If we use a house analogy, it can be seen as expanding a 20-pyeong apartment to 100 pyeong.
Why the expansion? By the fourth grade, even with a partially developed frontal lobe, commuting to and from school is no problem. However, as an adult, dealing with the complexities of politics, economics, society, and culture, a 65-square-foot house simply isn't enough.
So, the expansion of the frontal lobe takes place throughout adolescence, and is not fully completed until around age twenty-four for women and thirty for men.

During adolescence, it's normal to feel a bit cluttered and confused, like a house under construction.
As the expansion takes place, the network of brain cells is overproduced, and connections between neurons and synapses occur in great numbers and at a very rapid rate.
As the network becomes over-produced, gray matter doubles in a year, and there are too many synapses connecting neurons, making it difficult to think multi-facetedly.

― [Chapter 4: It is normal for adolescents to have severe emotional ups and downs]

The reductive parent: The child doesn't know what he or she really wants.
Children who grow up under parents and teachers who are reductive and lenient often feel confused and wonder, "My mom says it's okay, but why am I not okay?"
I don't think emotions like sadness or anger are to be trusted.
Suppressive parent: The child is uncomfortable expressing emotions.
Children who grow up with oppressive teachers and parents learn that some emotions are good and some are bad.
So when we feel 'bad' emotions like being sad or angry, we think we are a bad person.

Bystander Parent: Thinks it's okay for the child to behave however they want.
Children who grow up with permissive teachers and parents feel and accept that whatever their feelings are, they are okay.
So far so good.
But there is a side effect of learning that it's okay to act however you want when you feel strong emotions.

Emotion Coaching Parents: Children learn to distinguish between emotions and behaviors.
Children who grow up receiving emotional coaching learn that emotions are valuable and trustworthy.
I believe that other people's feelings are just as precious as my own.
I know and feel a wide range of emotions.

― [Chapter 8: A Child's Behavior is a Mirror Reflecting Me]

To develop into an emotionally coaching parent, you must first understand your own superemotions.
Meta-emotion, simply put, is 'emotion about emotion'.
For example, if a child is crying because he is sad, that is the emotion called 'sadness'.
However, when parents see their child sad, their feelings toward the child's emotions (sadness) are super-emotional.

Parents may feel angry, upset, or embarrassed about making their child cry in front of others.
Some parents may feel frustrated or regretful that they are not able to provide enough care or satisfaction to their children.
Parents can feel a variety of emotions regarding their crying child's emotions, and this is called 'super-emotion'.

My son, now in middle school, is throwing a tantrum and asking to buy me a smartphone.
So my parents were a little upset.
But when I think about it for a moment, I feel a little sad.
You may feel sad thinking, 'Why does my child only ask for expensive things?' and you may feel resentful toward your husband, who does not have much income, because he cannot buy the things his child asks for due to lack of money.
You might be wondering, 'Why didn't my parents give me emotional coaching and make me feel so uncomfortable in emotional situations?'
Or you may feel sorry or regretful for getting angry and yelling.
In this way, feelings about one's own feelings are also super-emotions.

― [Chapter 9: Look at the Roots of Your Emotions When Dealing with Children]

The stronger the emotions your child displays, the better the opportunity for emotion coaching.
When your pet passes away, when your grades are bad, when you are bullied by your friends, you will have strong emotions.
Adults may think, 'What's so great about that?', but for children, it may be the first shocking thing they've ever experienced in their lives and the first time they've felt such strong emotions.
The stronger the emotions a child experiences, the more powerful the hyper-emotional response can be for parents and teachers.
So you can react strongly.
However, if an adult reacts strongly in a situation where a child is experiencing strong emotions, such as “What’s wrong with you?” “Can’t you be quiet?” or “Why are you doing that!”, the child will feel anxious or fearful and show more intense flight or attack responses.
If you provide emotional coaching at this time, you can activate the frontal lobe, which helps you understand and process emotions more slowly.
It is about adults responding gently and calmly to make the child feel safe.
When you feel that your feelings are respected and understood, you feel more secure, and you are able to think and judge more freely and consider desirable alternatives.

― [Chapter 14 Emotional Coaching Step 2: The stronger the emotion expressed, the better the opportunity]

Emotional coaching is not always effective in all situations.
There are times when you shouldn't do it.

It's best not to do emotional coaching when you're pressed for time or have an audience.
If you try to force emotional coaching when you don't have time due to classes, counseling, and various reports, and the student is just starting to open up, you shouldn't say, "Oh, I'm a little busy right now... Let's stop now."
Also, it is best not to do emotional coaching when other people are present.
For example, if a student shows strong emotions in class and you try to talk to them on the spot, both the student and the teacher will become conscious of the other students in the classroom.

It is also best not to do emotional coaching when teachers and parents are very emotional or when relationships with others are not going well.
When you have trouble managing your own emotions, you are overwhelmed by them and don't have the capacity to coach others' emotions.
In such cases, you must calm yourself down first.
You need to calm yourself down and achieve a positive state of mind or at least emotional neutrality before doing emotional coaching.
Additionally, it is best not to provide emotional coaching to parents or teachers in situations where the child's relationship with others is very bad.
For example, if you are feeling extremely bad after a fight with your spouse, it may be dangerous to give your child emotional coaching.
― [Chapter 19 There are times when you should not do emotional coaching]


Emotional coaching is a 'process' that goes through five stages.
A process has a beginning (starting point) and an end (destination).
The end result of emotional coaching is desirable behavior that takes into account the child's developmental stage.
To get to the end well, you must first know your starting point.
The starting point is knowing the child's environment.

When doing emotional coaching, you shouldn't just go through steps 3 and 4 and then move on to step 5.
Repeat steps 3 and 4 several times, empathizing with the child's feelings, and waiting for the child to speak.
Only after listening to the child's circumstances and truly understanding them can we move on to step 5 and guide them toward desirable behaviors that they can empathize with and agree with.

One thing that can significantly shorten this process is knowing the environment your child is in.
This is because a child's emotions and behavior are largely a result of the child's environment (especially the home environment).

In the past, when we talked about family environment, we mainly thought about whether the family was rich or poor.
We also conducted a survey on the home environment, asking questions such as whether there was a television or a refrigerator.
So, while in the past environmental differences were mainly due to economic levels, things are different these days.
Family environments vary greatly depending on whether they are emotionally rich or poor.
The emotional state of children varies depending on how harmonious the couple is and how much they conflict and hate each other.

― [See Chapter 22: The Child's Home Environment]

ADHD, violence, bullying… … focusing only on the “problem” can backfire or cause bigger problems.
If you keep focusing on your children's negative 'behaviors', you will only get stronger negative 'feelings'.
It gets into a vicious cycle.

When dealing with students with learning difficulties, if you focus only on the problem, it will be difficult to break out of the vicious cycle.
When dealing with students with learning difficulties, people often think that learning coaching is needed rather than emotional coaching.
Since most teachers were top students in school, it may be difficult for them to empathize with the feelings and emotions of underachievers.
You might also think that emotionally approaching a student who is struggling with studying, a highly cognitive activity, will not improve their grades.
Children who dislike studying and do poorly at it are not just inefficient learners or have difficulty learning.
Whether it's post-traumatic stress disorder, attachment issues, depression, or stress, the brain circuits that absorb, process, and remember information are often underdeveloped.
Therefore, teachers must first understand the various reasons for learning difficulties and understand children's emotions.
Only then can we provide you with the help you need.
― From [Chapter 28 Children with Learning Difficulties]

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