prolog

[Theory] How to Raise a Son Properly Without Emotional Exploitation

PART 1: How to Give Polite Instructions to Your Son
1 Why are you leaving trash on your desk? Who told you to clean it up? Is your mom a cleaner?
Am I the housekeeper in this house? (long-winded instructions)
→ Put it away.
(short instructions)
2 Mom, I'm tired.
(vague instructions)
→ Let's sleep for 20 minutes and wake up to play.
I'll set an alarm.
(Numeric instructions)
3 Let's do our homework.
Mom, it's hard.
I want you to start with your homework.
(Emotionally-involved instructions)
→ Do your homework.
(directive without emotion)
4 No! I have so many toys at home, why are you asking me to buy more? (Emotional directive)
→ Did you know that I have several similar toys at home? (polite instruction)
5 You have to get angry to listen! (Shouting)
→ No.
(Powerful instructions)
6 Are you ignoring what I say? (accusation)
→ When your mom speaks, look, listen, and nod carefully.
(Listening instructions)
-Quiz1

PART 2 Essential Phrases for Parents of Sons
- “It’s a rule.” “Follow the rules.” “Do it by the rules.”
1 If you write like this, even the teacher won't be able to recognize it.
(negative judgment)
→ Please follow the rules.
(rule instructions)
2 Just finish what you're doing now and brush your teeth.
(I agree)
→ Start by brushing your teeth.
Brushing your teeth comes first.
(rule instructions)
3.
How many times do I have to tell you? You have to get angry for me to listen! (Shouting)
→ Homework is a rule.
I don't even accept your dislike of rules.
(rule instructions)
4 You do less compared to other kids.
(comparison)
→ It's a rule.
Follow the rules.
(rule instructions)
5 If you don't want to eat it, don't eat it.
I won't cook for you anymore.
(duress)
→ If there is a lot, you can leave some.
But there are no snacks.
(Rules Notice)
6 A student's duty is to study.
Are you doing your duty? (closed question)
→ What do you enjoy the most? (Open question)
7. Solve math problems consistently every day (ambiguous rules)
→ Solve one calculation per weekday (clear rules)
-Quiz2
-Q&A I'm curious about this ①

PART 3 How to Respect Your Son
1 My mother hates liars the most.
(Controlled by emotions)
→ Your heart must have been uncomfortable too.
Let me cut down on the lies for you.
(explanation)
2 Stop talking.
Close your eyes.
(instruction)
→ You should sleep now so that your growth hormones are released and you can grow taller.
(explanation)
3. Throw away the spicy flavor.
Make it mild.
(instruction)
→ Would you like it mild or spicy? (Question)
4 Who eats like this?
You have to eat a variety of foods! (Criticism)
→ Does it taste bad? Do you not like the texture? (Question)
5 What the hell is this?
Would you mind spending money on the game? (Forbidden)
→ I wonder why you want to buy that.
(question)
6 Sit down.
Let's talk.
(a burdensome proposal)
→ What is your favorite game? (Interest question)
-Quiz3
-Q&A I'm curious about this②

[Practical] A Mother's Words to Understand and Expand Her Son's World

PART 1: Practicing Words of Praise
1 Instead of saying “Mom, I’m busy” to your son who wants to be praised,
2 Instead of giving a vague compliment like “good job” to a son who has accomplished something,
3 Instead of giving a stern warning to a boastful son, “Stop being cocky and focus.”
4 To the son who wants to be recognized, “Don’t run.
Instead of the prohibition of “get hurt”
Instead of scolding your son, saying, “What did you do that’s so hard?” and procrastinating and doing things half-heartedly,
6 Instead of nagging your son, who is always complaining, “What if Mom writes a little?”

PART 2 Emotion Regulation Speech Practice
1 Instead of scolding a son who blames his mother by saying, “Why is it your fault?”
2 Instead of giving a one-sided notice to a son who just watches soccer, saying, “You’re going to FC next week.”
3 Instead of scolding a son who interferes with his mother's work by saying, "What's wrong with you?"
4 Instead of saying “Stop it” to your complaining son,
5 Instead of yelling at your son who is not good at expressing his emotions, “Is this something to be upset about?”

PART 3 Game Situation Speech Practice
1 Instead of saying to your son who breaks his game time, “Why don’t you keep your promise?”
2 Instead of criticizing your son for playing games secretly, say, “I’m disappointed.”

PART 4 ​​Conflict Situation Speech Practice
1 Instead of forcing your siblings to “apologize” when they fight,
2 Instead of asking your son who fought with his friend, “Did you make up?” with concern,
3 When your son complains about his friend's problems, instead of calling his friend's mom right away,

PART 5 Daily Life Speech Practice
1 Instead of telling your son who doesn't read to "read a book,"
2 Instead of scolding my son who only reads educational comics, “He should read a proper book.”
3 Instead of yelling at your son who procrastinates on his homework, “You need to get angry so he doesn’t listen!”
Instead of asking your son, who has lost his clothes, “How many times has this happened?”

-Quiz4

Epilogue
Appendix Instructions and Dialogue at a Glance

“A single word from my mother
“Change your child’s attitude and habits.”
The Secret to Parenting a Son Who Is Less Tired, Happier, and Tireless

“Mom, it’s hard.
“Please listen to me!”, “You have to get angry to listen to me!”

If you find yourself saying these things to your son every day, you may find the answer in "Son's Mom's Speech Practice."
This book is for mothers who have emotional fights and arguments with their sons every day.


The author, who has a daughter in middle school and a son in elementary school, faced many difficulties while raising her sons.
Although I have been writing and lecturing as a parenting expert, I was confused about how to raise my son.
After much thought, the author quit her job, stopped writing, and focused on raising her children.
The author's son, who was once stubborn and resistant, now loves books so much that he takes them out as soon as he opens his eyes, and he also strictly adheres to game time.
What was the key to change?

The author says that the key to raising a son is not where you raise him, but what you say to him.
As she became more adept at discerning when to give firm instructions and when to resolve issues through dialogue, parenting became easier and her son began to develop good habits more quickly.


This book was completed based on the author's extensive experience in raising sons and his many years of experience in educational settings and parent coaching.
When conversations are based on clear instructions, rules, and respect, rather than being swayed by emotions, children can develop responsibility and confidence.
It presents practical methods to wisely resolve conflicts and concerns with your son, using specific and vivid examples, and guides parents and children on the path to growing together.

“The key to raising a son is
“It’s ‘Instruction-Rules-Conversation’”
39 Essential Phrases for Raising a Son Who Can Fulfill His Own Dreams

If you always push too hard, your relationship with your son will become distant, and if you give in to everything your son wants, he will not develop good habits.
The author says it is important to interact with your son in an appropriate manner depending on the situation and the subject.
Parents who raise their children well balance their instructions and conversations appropriately.
We need to practice being firm when it's time to be firm, being gentle when dialogue is needed, and adjusting according to the situation.

Rules are 'instructions', symbols are 'conversations'

You can alleviate many of the difficulties of raising your son by distinguishing between situations where you give instructions and situations where you talk.
However, it is difficult to clearly distinguish from the beginning when to give instructions and when to talk.
This book provides realistic and vivid examples to help parents find the right position in such difficult moments.


Essential tasks in daily life require direction.
It is important to let go of your emotions at this time.
Emotional expressions such as “Why are you like that?” or “Do you have to be angry to listen to me?” may have a temporary effect on the child, but they are counterproductive in the long run.
If you give instructions with emotion, parents can easily get hurt.
When a child doesn't listen when parents say, "Mom, I'm having a hard time, please listen to me," the parent feels like their feelings are being ignored.
So, for things that must be done, such as “Do your homework” or “Brush your teeth,” it is better to give instructions that are emotion-free.


Sometimes 'conversation' is necessary.
It is important to distinguish between situations that require parental control and situations that require communication, and differences should be resolved through communication.
It is not advisable to immediately reject my son's favorite game just because it conflicts with my tastes as a mother.
Since liking and wanting something is a preference, it is better to communicate rather than control.

Feelings change, but 'rules' remain constant, no matter the situation.

You don't always have to speak to your child in a loving and kind way.
It is important to flexibly adjust the parent's attitude depending on the situation, such as using 'affectionate empathy' when the child's heart needs to be nurtured, and using 'emotion-free instructions' when control is needed.
But giving instructions without being swayed by emotions is not as easy as it sounds.
Because it is difficult to give rational instructions every time, ‘rules’ are necessary.
Instead of nagging, “If you write like this, even the teacher won’t understand,” it is more effective to give instructions in the form of rules.
At this time, if you tell your child, “It’s a rule,” or “Follow the rules,” they will be less affected by emotions and it will be easier to maintain composure.


Strict but not scary
How to Be a Kind, But Tough Parent
The one parenting book every parent raising a son must read.

This book is largely divided into theory and practice sections.
First, the theory section covers in detail the principles and importance of 'instructions, rules, and conversation', which are the core of raising sons.
Chapter 1 examines how to give instructions that are appropriate for your son's characteristics and how to give instructions in a non-emotional and polite manner. Chapter 2 provides specific examples of how to set and give instructions on the rules necessary for raising a son.
Chapter 3 teaches you how to communicate with your son in a way that respects him, including tips for explaining things kindly at his level, asking questions that will open his heart, and differentiating between instructions and conversations depending on the situation.


In the practical section, you can learn instructions, rules, and conversation skills through speaking practice in various situations based on the contents of the theory section.
We've organized it so that you can wisely and appropriately use it right away in specific situations that you frequently encounter in daily life, such as when your child wants to be recognized, when he or she is full of complaints about everything, when he or she breaks game time, or when he or she fights with a friend and doesn't make up.
In particular, the book includes a total of 39 cartoon-style illustrations of conversations between mother and son.
At the end of each chapter, you can look at the picture to understand the content more intuitively and practice it.
In addition to this, there are also Q&As and quizzes compiled from the most frequently asked questions from parents of sons, and an appendix that organizes mothers' thoughts so that they can be seen at a glance.


Children are most influenced by their parents' attitudes and words.
Even if you feel like you're going crazy because of your son, if you're looking for a way to understand his feelings and communicate wisely without getting angry, this book will give you the wisdom to raise your son with less difficulty and more happiness.