In times of crushing sorrow, where is God?

C, whose wife passed away.
S. Lewis's Diary of Grief

The author is N.
W. Clarke (N.
Written under the pseudonym of W. Clerk, this is a diary in which he passionately and deeply meditated on his doubts about God, his longing for his wife, and his renewed trust and love for God amidst unimaginable suffering.
If the previous work, "The Problem of Pain," was a rational and philosophical argument about pain, "A Grief Considered" presents a personal, direct confession of the pain suffered after losing his wife.
The author remained single his entire life until he married a woman named Joy at the age of 59.
Although he knew at the time that Joy had cancer, the couple enjoyed a short but happy marriage of four years, until Joy eventually succumbed to cancer.
After the book's publication, the author's adopted son, Douglas Gresham, said, "It is characterized by a blatant honesty and unadorned simplicity, and displays a power that is not often found.
“It is the power of honest, bold truth!” wrote the Times Literary Supplement, adding that it “pushes the mourner out of his rut ​​and invites him to join in on his own view of grief.”

No one ever told me that sadness felt like fear.

--- p.19

If you tell me the ultimate truth, I will be happy to listen.
If you tell me about the religious meaning, I will listen obediently.
But don't talk about religious comfort.
I would suspect, 'You don't know.'

--- p.46

Every time God seemed most merciful, he was actually preparing the next torture.

--- p.52

I thought I could describe a certain state.
I thought I could draw a map of sadness.
But sadness was not a ‘state’ but a ‘process’.
It requires a history book, not a map, and unless we stop writing that history at some arbitrary point, we will never find a reason to stop.
--- p.87

If I could be cured of cancer by never seeing her again on earth, I would have tried to avoid seeing her again.
It must have been inevitable.
Any person with manners would have done so.

--- p.98