A book painstakingly written by Professor Susan Johnson, who developed the emotion-centered couples therapy model, based on solid theoretical background and therapeutic experience.
It presents scientific evidence for love and ways to maintain a couple's union.
It also helps restore loving marital relationships and helps couples bond emotionally.
Through this, couples will understand each other's position and respond actively.


Part 1 answers the question, "What is love?" and includes the results of various studies on intimacy. Part 2 presents the latest research on emotion-focused couples therapy and describes seven communication methods for restoring marital relationships.
The final third part focuses on the influence of love.
This book can be applied to all couples, including young couples, older couples, married couples, engaged couples, cohabiting couples, happy couples, discordant couples, and homosexual couples who want to maintain their love for a lifetime.

# A colleague blurted out to me, “If a couple’s love isn’t just a transaction, then what is it?”
At that time, I was answering calmly.
“It’s an emotional bond.
Humans have a desire to be emotionally securely connected to someone.
“British psychiatrist Bowlby has already explained this through the parent-child relationship in his attachment theory, and similar things are happening to adults as well.”
Only after we engaged in more lively debate did we discover the sharp logic behind the couple's discontent and desperate behavior.
I came to realize what couples truly wanted and how they could transform their relationships through emotion-focused couples therapy.
Romantic love is an act of attachment and an emotional bond.
Adult love is the inner need to lean on someone and be emotionally connected and comforted.
But when I tried to express this view, my colleagues opposed it.
The first reason they opposed it was that adults should be able to control their emotions.
In fact, excessive emotions can cause marital problems.
Therefore, I thought that emotions should be controlled and that there was no need to understand them deeply.
But the biggest reason my colleagues opposed it was the idea that a healthy adult should have self-sufficiency.
People who depend on others have a lot of problems.
These people were described as overly attached, overly dependent, lacking in subjectivity, and fused.
In short, he is a confused and ugly person.
I was thinking that a person who is dependent on their spouse is ruining their marriage.
Colleagues agreed that the therapist's role is to encourage couples to become independent.

# Emotionally focused couples therapy does not emphasize assertiveness, analyzing one's past, romantic attitudes, or developing new sexual positions.
Instead, it emphasizes the importance of emotional attachment and support between couples, just as parents raise their children through warm comfort and protection.
In parent-infant attachment, parents play almost exclusively the role of providing nurturing, comfort, and protection.
In contrast, adult attachment should be a reciprocal, equal give-and-take relationship, with less emphasis on physical contact.
Above all, what adult and parent-infant attachment have in common is that emotional bonding is important.
Emotionally focused couples therapy helps couples restore loving relationships and connect emotionally.
Through this, couples understand each other's position and respond actively.


# Finding an attachment figure that we can ask to 'hold me tight' is a basic human need that is already ingrained in our genes.
The need for attachment figures is one of the basic needs for human survival, health, and happiness, just like the needs for food, shelter, and sex.
Humans need emotional attachment figures to survive physically and mentally.

# When couples argued fiercely and showed contempt for each other, their stress hormone levels were higher and their immunity was weakened.
These results persisted for 24 hours after the couple's fight ended.
And when they artificially created small blisters on the back of the wife's hand and then had her fight with the husband, the results were even more surprising.
The more severe the fight between the couple, the longer it took for the blisters to heal.
It is very important to be recognized by your loved ones.
Researchers say marital discord can increase the risk of developing depression by more than 10 times.
But it's not all sad news.
Numerous studies have shown that positive relationships can reduce stress and help us overcome challenging situations and psychological trauma.
Contact with loved ones served to alleviate shock, stress, and pain.

# We need to dive deep into the water and see the root problem.
Emotional disconnection and lack of emotional security in the marital relationship are at the heart of marital problems.
Emotionally disconnected couples tend to protest to their spouses.
Couples and therapists often overlook the fact that protest behavior is the essence of marital conflict.
A closer look at marital discord reveals that couples constantly ask their spouses the following questions:
Can I approach you and rely on you? Will you always be there for me? Will you respond when I call when I need you? Am I important to you? Am I worthy and worthy of your approval? Sincerely appealing to you through anger, criticism, and demands can move your spouse, emotionally connect with them, and help restore the secure bond between you.

# If the couple's desire for bonding and fear of loss are not addressed, standard treatments like teaching problem-solving and communication skills, reflecting on past hurts, or taking time-outs will be ineffective.
Conventional treatment models do not address couples' desires and fears to be emotionally connected.
And it doesn't teach couples how to bond and maintain a lasting relationship.
At best, it teaches you techniques to stop fighting, but in the meantime, your relationship ends up being seriously damaged.
Eventually, when a couple grows apart and tries to reunite, the fear of rejection and abandonment only grows.

# Sometimes couples take relationship trauma lightly, thinking it is a simple incident that can happen on a daily basis.
But the relationship gradually cools down and becomes severely strained.
Defensively downplaying your own hurt may help temporarily.
But trauma can always come back.
Larry couldn't understand Susan's words because it had been 17 years since he moved out of that house.
But she couldn't forget what happened in the past.
At the time, she was suffering from depression, struggling with the aftereffects of a car accident, and struggling with raising three children.
One day, when Larry came home from work, he found Susan crying alone in the kitchen.
She expected her husband to come and comfort her, even if he didn't say anything.
But Larry left her with a long phone call with someone, telling her to come to her senses.
Susan said.
“I cried all afternoon that day.
And I promised myself I would never seek your comfort again.
Since then, I have relied on my sister more than you.
You have never comforted me in the past years.
But now you suddenly ask me to hug you, saying you need me. Does that make sense?”

# I feel a little troubled when I hear that consideration and comfort have disappeared between couples.
It's concerning when a couple says they don't have sex.
But when a couple says that contact has disappeared, you know that there is serious discord between them.
An adult's skin is a huge sensory organ.
Gentle touching and light stroking, and the emotions they evoke, strengthen love.
Touch satisfies sexual desire along with two other instinctual needs: the need for recognition and affection.
A healthy sex life is possible when couples bond and their relationship is stable through approach, response, sympathetic conversation, and gentle touch.
Sex therapists say that healthy sex requires "getting pleasure without being demanding."
So I often prescribe couples to abstain from sex altogether for a few weeks.
Limiting sexual intercourse helps to eliminate sexual anxiety and disappointment, and encourages contact using different senses.
As couples increase their gentle physical contact with each other, their bonds become stronger and they begin to positively evaluate their partner's actions and efforts.

# Let's take a closer look at how bonding and connection work together in a marital relationship.
Sexual passion itself does not last long.
Desires can become stronger or weaker for a thousand reasons, including special events, seasons, and health conditions.
However, problems arise when couples do not express these changes in desire to each other.
Many couples can tolerate less frequent sex.
But when they feel like their spouse is rejecting them, they find it hard to bear.
In this case, it is very difficult to open up to each other's emotions.
Even securely bonded couples struggle.

# Most couples fail to express gratitude for their spouse's everyday conversations or gestures that touch their hearts, or for the small but special acts that build intimacy.
People don't easily forget the moment when they were overcome with feelings of love.
Moments when people approach, respond, and connect with each other remain in people's minds for a long time.
And it is very important for a couple to share those memories together to keep their love alive.

Just as a family takes commemorative photos, couples need to recognize, look back on, and treasure precious moments in order to maintain the vitality of their love.
Through this, couples can deeply understand the value and intimacy of their relationship.
Being considerate like this can change your spouse's world.

# Parents habitually kiss their children when they leave the house and hug and welcome them when they return.
There is no reason why we cannot do these things with our loved ones as adults.
Small rituals that regularly convey the message, “You mean something to me,” keep relationships strong and vibrant.
Couples are often unaware of the rituals they are engaging in when they separate and reunite.
When I asked Joel what rituals his couple currently practices, he gave a blank look and said,
“When the puppy came running to me and greeted me happily, I sat next to it for a while and petted it.
But that wasn't the case with Emma.
“No matter how hard I try to think about it, I can’t remember what we did every day to maintain our relationship.” Emma chuckled and chimed in as he scratched his head.
“Honey! I’m not like a pet dog.
You always came into the kitchen and said so gently, 'Oh! My sunshine, how are you feeling today?'
And he patted me on the back.
“I was so happy and glad at that time.” Joel’s expression relaxed.
“Ah! That’s right! I can keep patting and kissing you from now on.
“I’ll do that to you, not the puppy.”

# Emotionally avoidant spouses sometimes say the following during counseling:
“I did everything I could to be considerate.
I mowed the lawn, paid my salary on time, solved problems when they arose, and worked tirelessly.
"But are my efforts completely unimportant? All that matters to my wife is that I avoid her feelings and refuse to embrace her." So I told them.
“Until now, the two of you have lived your lives thinking that was the best way to do it.
But you definitely need someone who will genuinely play with you, hug you, come close and respond emotionally, share your emotions, and connect with you.
This is more precious than anything in this world.
You two need someone like that too.
“Have you been neglecting it?”

# But is attachment and bonding everything? Adult love requires sex and attention.
On top of attachment, several other elements are needed.
When securely connected, couples can have the most satisfying sexual relationships.
Sexual curiosity is aroused when you approach your partner with an open attitude rather than seeking out a different sensual experience.

# When a couple forms an attachment, they perform their parental role positively and become a safe base and refuge for their children.
Then, your child will easily learn how to deal with emotions positively and connect with others.
It is already scientifically proven that children who are securely connected are happier, better socially adaptable, and more easily overcome stress.
The greatest gift you can give your children is a good relationship with your spouse.
This is not just a sentimental thought, but a statement based on scientific evidence.
Children who grew up with warm and supportive parents were also warm and supportive of their spouses and had happy marital relationships.
When we love our spouses deeply, we provide our children and their spouses with a positive blueprint for a loving relationship.
A happy marriage contributes greatly to society.
If the relationship between a couple is good, the family atmosphere will naturally become positive.

--- From the text