If your relationship as an adult continues to be difficult
Let's start by looking at the 'framework of relationships'.

People always have a hard time with interpersonal relationships and lament, “It’s not what I want.”
Psychiatrist Moon Yo-han, who has consistently worked with the theme of “growing life,” advises us to face the fact that “the nature of human relationships is that when you get close to someone, you can hurt them even if you didn’t intend to.”
It may be natural that things don't go my way, but this is different from the empty consolation of 'It'll be hard, so just stay the same.'
Rather, it is a psychology of 'change' that accepts inevitable differences as they are, restores a 'healthy distance' in each relationship, and lives as one's own.
In 『Time to Read Relationships』, we focus on the ‘framework of relationships’ as the starting point of change.
Everyone unconsciously repeats the same relationship patterns, and unless we understand and change them, the suffering we experience in relationships will continue to repeat itself.
So how can we understand and change our relationship framework? That journey begins with the concept of "boundary."

Why is that? It's because of the 'framework of relationships.'
Just like a bread pan that continuously bakes bread of a certain shape, human relationships have a mold.
Because of this framework, we repeat similar patterns of relationship even when we meet different people.
The problem is that the basic framework was created in childhood.
This basic framework was created from the 'child-adult' relationship, so it does not fit the 'adult-adult' relationship.
As we become adults, we must change the 'child-adult' relationship framework to an 'adult-adult' relationship framework.
_prolog

Even if the relationship framework that helped us survive in childhood is applied to adult relationships, it can cause many problems.
(…) Therefore, if your interpersonal relationships as an adult continue to be difficult, you must definitely examine the framework of your relationships.
This is because we are unknowingly forming relationships today based on the relationships we had as children.
Therefore, the relationship difficulties you are experiencing are not something that can be solved by changing the other person.
Unless you understand your relationship style and change your past relationship style, the problem will repeat itself.
_prolog

But they have one thing in common.
The problem is that the boundaries that separate you and me are confusing and we cannot form horizontal relationships.
In other words, their relationship is one-sided and out of balance with the ego.
Why can't they form healthy relationships? Why do they lose their sense of self-worth in relationships? It's because the boundaries that regulate that balance aren't well developed.
Now we need to really understand how boundaries are created and how they function.
_Chapter 4.
But what is the boundary?

I recently discovered something disappointing in some psychology books on human relationships.
There was a concern that readers might interpret and accept it incorrectly because it focused on one issue without striking a balance between protection and communication.
For example, people with blurred boundaries need to focus more on themselves and strengthen their boundaries.
However, when these people read books that emphasize empathy or attachment, they are more likely to reinforce their own problems.
Conversely, people who are too rigid in their boundaries and cannot empathize with others and are stubborn about their opinions need to be able to respect others and think from their perspectives.
When they read books that emphasize rejection or self-assertion, they may rationalize or exacerbate their problems.
To avoid these side effects, you must first know your relationship type.
_Chapter 4.
But what is a boundary?

Ironically, humans need 'appropriate attachment damage'.
(Although it is not possible) the absence of any attachment damage can be just as problematic as the severity of the attachment damage.
'Frustration of appropriate attachment needs' gives us the independence to navigate the world, becomes the foundation for building reciprocal relationships by moving beyond egocentrism, and provides us with the perspective to see and integrate the good and bad sides of others.
Frustration is an important element of development.
_Chapter 5.
How are boundaries created?

To summarize simply, when there is an abnormality in ego development due to damaged attachment, the ego becomes undifferentiated or overdifferentiated.
The undifferentiated type is preoccupied with relationships, while the hyperdifferentiated type is preoccupied with self.
Likewise, people who have problems with their relationships due to attachment damage are divided into 'boundary crossers' and 'boundary guarders'.
Boundary Crossers constantly invade the opponent's territory without their consent, while Boundary Guarders are constantly on guard against the opponent's approach.
_Chapter 6.
If there is a problem with the boundary

Dysfunctional relationship frameworks are not fixed.
Just because you're experiencing the same difficulties in your relationships over and over again doesn't mean you always fall into one of these four types.
Depending on who you are relating to, your dysfunctional relationship framework can vary.
For example, a person who is dominant in their relationship with their spouse may be compliant in their relationship with a coworker.
Therefore, it is not a matter of choosing one of the four types, but rather of understanding them in relation to each other.
Also, even in relationships with one person, it can change over time, and even within the same time period, any number of secondary types can appear alongside the primary type.
_Chapter 6.
If there is a problem with the boundary

A more serious problem than being bad at refusing or asserting yourself is the fact that you 'don't know' your own thoughts, feelings, preferences, and tastes.
It doesn't mean that you don't have your own thoughts, feelings, preferences, or tastes.
However, in many cases, it is not one's own but rather an imitation of someone around them.
Because the boundaries are blurred.
_Chapter 7.
I hate being uncomfortable with someone - conformist

Why on earth is that? The caregiver type doesn't want the other person to be the problem solver or achieve happiness on their own.
What matters to them is that their help reduces the other person's suffering and makes them feel better.
In other words, they do not help others stand on their own, but rather help them rely on themselves.
So, ironically, the more you help, the more likely it is that the problem will get worse.
_Chapter 8.
I'm happy when you're happy - caring type

In the hyperdifferentiated type, where the self and object are often separated, a reversal of the relational schema often occurs, and in the undifferentiated type, where the self and object are not separated, a fixation of the relational schema often appears.
For example, let's say that in a romantic relationship, your partner was treating you well, but then at some point, he or she did something you didn't like.
The hyperdifferentiated type initially thinks the other person is a very good person, but then suddenly changes their evaluation and attitude toward the other person when they discover something disappointing.
Even if the other person does ten things well, if they fail at one thing, the nine things they have done well disappear, and because of that one thing, they suddenly become a bad person, a terrible person, an untrustworthy person.
_Chapter 11.
Relationship management: the ability to control the depth of relationships

A mind that understands the heart is similar to empathy, but goes beyond empathy.
If empathy is understanding the other person's feelings and pain, then understanding the other person's heart goes further and involves paying attention to and understanding the other person's entire mind, including their interests, desires, thoughts, talents, happiness, and future.
They ask those close to them:
“When are you happy?” “What are you interested in these days?” “What makes me feel good?” “Where and what do you want to do when you retire?” If someone were interested in your interests, happiness, future, etc. and asked you about them, how would you feel about them? _Chapter 13.
A Mind That Reads Hearts: My Heart and Your Heart

Herbert Fensterheim, an expert in assertiveness training, said, “The degree to which you can express yourself determines the degree of your self-esteem.”
The surprising thing is that the better you express yourself, the more others will like you.
So, you don't have to worry about losing much by expressing yourself.
It's true.
And the best part is that you get to live your own life.
Self-expression is not limited to mere rejections or requests, but extends to finding and expressing the fundamental needs of one's life.
What will you choose? _Chapter 18.
PACE: Self-expression training to establish boundaries

The rejection method should vary depending on the boundary type.
Compliance begins with recognizing that the power to refuse is yours.
Because compliance is ingrained in them, they seek permission even to refuse.
It's to check whether it's okay to refuse.
Even when they are proselytized on the street or receive phone calls soliciting them to sign up for financial products, they listen to the other person's story for a long time.
Because I feel sorry about the rejection itself.
But the other person is someone who is used to such rejection.
The compliant type needs to express their refusal more clearly.
There is no need to go into detail about the reasons.
You need to train yourself to simply say, “I’m not interested,” or to clearly state, “I’m busy, so I’ll hang up first.”
_Chapter 19.
Practice saying 'no'

So what exactly does self-understanding mean? What does it mean to live "truly"? There are many areas, but the most important is understanding your desires, talents, and values.
One more thing to add is self-critical thinking, which questions what you think you know.
'Desire' is what you like and what you dislike, 'talent' is what you are good at and what you are not good at, and 'value' is what is important to you and what is not important.
_Chapter 20.
Creating Your Own World

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