“Why isn’t this love?”
An inner journey to break free from dependence on relationships and find your true self.

James Hollis, an authority on Jungian psychology, has examined the midlife crisis and encounters with one's true self in "Turning Forty Without Knowing Who I Was," and the life and depth of men's psychology in "Being a Man."
The new book, “Conditions of Love,” delves into the causes of psychological pain that arise in intimate relationships, such as between spouses and lovers.

James Hollis, a long-time lecturer on Jungian psychology, was asked the question he received most frequently in the field about 'relationships.'
People were bombarded with questions about romantic relationships, regardless of the title of the lecture or presentation.
《Conditions of Love》 focuses on the psychological dynamics of romantic relationships as a ubiquitous, important, and (sometimes overrated) urgent issue.
But this book isn't a practical guide to solving relationship problems.
Rather, it subtly shatters the "illusions" that people of our time have about relationships, urging us to reflect on the nature of relationships, to discover the goals that become our personal responsibilities within them, and to yearn for our own growth itself, rather than for our own desires to be realized through others.

If there's one idea that runs through this book, it's that the quality of our relationships with others is directly proportional to the relationship we have with ourselves.
Because our relationships with ourselves operate at an unconscious level, the drama and dynamics that arise in our relationships with others and transcendent beings largely express our own psychology.
So the best we can do in our relationships with others and with the transcendent is to make our relationship with ourselves more conscious.
(Omitted) Being our best selves is the greatest gift we can give to others.

---From "Entering"

There are two strategies for dealing with the experience of being abandoned by others, or the fear of being abandoned.
How to avoid repeating the pain by minimizing yourself, and how to desperately try to connect with someone else, but most of the time, you 'choose' someone who will repeat the previous experience.
As I said before, behind these two strategies lies a huge unconscious force that was programmed into our minds when we were young.

---「Chapter 1.
Lost Paradise

I now intend to impart to my lover and companion everything I know about myself, my secret plan to heal the wounds I have received from my family and culture.
Then, the other person will also experience all the complexes I have accumulated in life.
How could I do this to someone I love? How could he do this to me, when he says he loves me?
---「Chapter 1.
From "Lost Paradise"

How healthy and hopeful an intimate relationship between two people will be depends on the willingness of each person to take responsibility for the relationship between their conscious and unconscious selves.
It makes sense and seems simple, but nothing is more difficult than this.
The reason any relationship carries a burden is because there is a grand plan hidden behind it to reclaim paradise through the other person, and because we are unwilling to take responsibility for the relationship between our conscious and unconscious minds.

---「Chapter 2.
From the Eden Project

Honi calls these strategies for coping with fear submissiveness, power, and distancing, and interestingly, he sees love as one way to cope with fear.
As depth psychologists and theologians often say, the opposite of love is not hate, but fear.
To develop the ability to affirm others, we must broaden our souls and rise up against our inherent fears.
To be able to love others despite their power to hurt us requires a large soul and a broad sense of self, so as not to expose ourselves to unpredictable dangers.

---「Chapter 3.
Among the "couples"

The power of fear, which binds us to the past and prevents us from growing, is actually very powerful.
Sociopaths are unable to love anyone and therefore cannot grow because their entire personality is shaped by a defense mechanism against fear.
The most common way we discover the power of love is when we overcome fear.
Where fear reigns, there is no love.
Fear is everywhere, so moving from fear to love is a formidable challenge.
Only those who can face their own fears and live with ambiguity and ambivalence can find the strength to love others.
As mentioned earlier, couples who come to therapy are already in a state of tremendous hurt.
The projections that covered each other were already worn out.
A plan to return to paradise is revealed, but the two wake up from their daydreams, disillusioned and angry, and bleeding from the thorns of love.
Both believe they are right and just, and are confident that an impartial third party will confirm this.

---「Chapter 3.
Among the "couples"

There are three basic experiences that can change our egocentrism.
It's about experiencing pain, realizing that there are forces at work in your life greater than your own will, and loving and caring for yourself and others.

---「Chapter 3.
Among the "couples"

All life is relationship.
As we have seen, the quality of our relationships with others is proportional to the extent to which our relationship with ourselves has developed, and our relationship with ourselves is usually established within us as a result of our relationship with the primal Other.
In other words, we constantly transfer dynamics that correspond to different times and places to the present and to the present relationships.
Likewise, others transfer their psychological history to us.
Therefore, even when we are alone, we can never be free from the dynamics of relationships.
We spend most of our waking hours interacting with group structures such as family, work, and social institutions.
Therefore, it is important to consider not only the nature of the romantic relationship you form, but also the dynamics of living as a member of a group.

---「Chapter 5.
From “Expansion of Relationships”

We have goals as individuals, and we invest and manage our energy toward them.
We feel well-being when our energy is directed toward the goals our soul desires.
On the other hand, when libido is directed in a direction that does not match the soul's purpose, it becomes neurotic.
Similarly, organizations where employee energy management fails to serve the true goals of each individual employee suffer from fragmentation.
You could say that it's like the company is suffering from neurosis.

---「Chapter 5.
From “Expansion of Relationships”

Jung understood that behind these childlike, universal desires lies a deeper meaning: the need to make our brief earthly lives meaningful.
In the works cited above, the three poets, instead of trying to make the universe our parent, dared to remain thoroughly other.
Their vision did not offer comfort or stability, but instead it gave dignity and meaning.

---「Chapter 6.
From "The God Within You"