Introduction

Chapter 1: What is Nonviolent Communication?
Anger and Nonviolent Communication
It works even if it's just one person

Chapter 2: Steps to Dealing with Anger
First and second steps
Evaluation provokes anger
Stimulus vs.
cause
Comparison of stimulus and cause
Third step
judgment
Developing a Vocabulary of Needs
Fourth step
Punishment and anger

Chapter 3: Murder is too superficial
At the workshop
From the philosophical to the methodological and practical
Case: A woman's anger

Chapter 4: How to Make Others Understand Our Feelings and Desires
Enjoy the 'judgment show' going on in your head
Take your time

Summary: Thoughts on Anger

supplement
How to Apply NVC
List of Feelings (Examples)
List of universal desires
About CNVC and the Korea NVC Center (Korea Center for Nonviolent Communication)
Books and teaching aids published by the Korea NVC Center

Anger is a precious gift

When anger comes, we feel it.
The face becomes red and the field of vision narrows.
All kinds of judgments swirl around in my mind, making my heart beat faster.
Eventually, our anger explodes, and we say or do something that makes the situation worse.
Anger breeds anger, and arguments lead to fistfights.
The hatred and disgust that are widespread in our society also have their roots in anger.
Because anger often leads to negative outcomes, people tend to view anger as something to be suppressed or denied.
I see it as a sign of lack of self-control and an immature personality.

Author Marshall Rosenberg challenges the conventional wisdom that anger must be suppressed.
Anger is an alarm that tells us that our needs are not being met, and therefore a gift that leads us to connect with what is precious within.
How can we achieve this "amazing purpose" of anger? Simply follow the four-step process the author outlines.
Marshall Rosenberg teaches a process of peacefully resolving problems by applying the principles of nonviolent communication—observation, feeling, need, request—to dealing with anger.
We provide concrete guidance on the method through real-life examples and clearly answer questions from workshop attendees.
This is a much-needed book in today's world, where anger is rampant.

In "The Surprising Purpose of Anger," Marshall Rosenberg shares his unique insights into the role anger can play in our lives.
He challenges our idea that anger must be suppressed, saying that anger is actually a gift.
It is a gift that leads us to connect with our unmet needs.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) emphasizes that it is dangerous to view anger as something to be suppressed or as something bad.
When we see anger as something that happened because of our own fault, we tend to suppress it and try to avoid it.
When we suppress and deny our anger like that, it's easy to express it in ways that are very harmful to ourselves and others.

The first step to managing anger using NVC is to recognize that what triggers our anger and what causes it are different things.
What I'm saying is that we don't get angry because of what the other person did, but because of something inside us that reacts to it.
Therefore, we must be able to distinguish between stimulus and cause.

The first step in expressing anger and managing it in accordance with NVC principles is to identify what triggered our anger without judging it.
The second step is to recognize that our evaluation of the other person, expressed in judgments that imply fault, is the very cause of our anger.

The third step is to find the desire that is the root of the anger.
The underlying assumption is that we get angry because our needs are not being met.
The problem is that we are not connected to our desires.
Instead of connecting directly with our needs, we go into our heads and start blaming the other person for what they did wrong in relation to our unmet needs.
The judgments we make about others are the source of our anger, which is in reality a 'tragic expression of unmet needs.'

The natural function of emotions is to stimulate us to fulfill our needs.
But anger is triggered by anything that diverts our attention.
When we are angry, we are disconnected from the desires that naturally drive us to seek fulfillment.
As I mentioned earlier, anger is triggered by the belief that someone else is at fault, which then shifts the energy from seeking to satisfy our needs to blaming and punishing others.

In the fourth step, we tell the other person four pieces of information.
First, identify what the stimulus is.
It's about uncovering what our unmet needs were and what the other person's behavior was that caused the conflict.
Second, it expresses our feelings.
Please note that we are not suppressing our anger at this point.
Anger turned into feelings like sadness, pain, fear, and frustration.
Third, after expressing our feelings, we reveal our unmet needs.
And following the three pieces of information above, we make 'clear and practical requests of what we want from the other person' in relation to our feelings and unmet needs.

Expressing anger fully means not only revealing the deep emotions behind it, but also making sure the other person understands them.
We need to acquire some skills to do the job.
I need to develop some skills.
For example, when you want to gain understanding from someone, the best way is to empathize with them first.
The more I empathize with what led the other person to act the way they did, the more likely I am to fully listen and understand the depth of my experience with them.

Take your time.
Yes, sometimes it feels awkward to not act the way I was taught, but I want to take my time and live a life that aligns with the values ​​I hold dear, rather than a robotic life where I automatically follow the programs our culture has instilled in me.
So take your time and take it slow.
It may feel awkward, but that's just how I live.
To live the life I want, I will take my time and do it slowly.
Even if it makes me look like an idiot.
In "The Surprising Purpose of Anger," Marshall Rosenberg shares his unique insights into the role anger can play in our lives.
He challenges our idea that anger must be suppressed, saying that anger is actually a gift.
It is a gift that leads us to connect with our unmet needs.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) emphasizes that it is dangerous to suppress anger or to view it as something bad.
When we see anger as something that happened because of our own fault, we tend to suppress it and try to avoid it.
When we suppress and deny our anger like that, it's easy to express it in ways that are very harmful to ourselves and others.

The first step to managing anger using NVC is to recognize that what triggers our anger and what causes it are different things.
What I'm saying is that we don't get angry because of what the other person did, but because of something inside us that reacts to it.
Therefore, we must be able to distinguish between stimulus and cause.

The first step in expressing anger and managing it in accordance with NVC principles is to identify what triggered our anger without judging it.
The second step is to recognize that our evaluation of the other person, expressed in judgments that imply fault, is the very cause of our anger.

The third step is to find the desire that is the root of the anger.
The underlying assumption is that we get angry because our needs are not being met.
The problem is that we are not connected to our desires.
Instead of connecting directly with our needs, we go into our heads and start blaming the other person for what they did wrong in relation to our unmet needs.
The judgments we make about others are the source of our anger, which is in reality a 'tragic expression of unmet needs.'

The natural function of emotions is to stimulate us to fulfill our needs.
But anger is triggered by anything that diverts our attention.
When we are angry, we are disconnected from the desires that naturally drive us to seek fulfillment.
As I mentioned earlier, anger is triggered by the belief that someone else is at fault, which then shifts the energy from seeking to satisfy our needs to blaming and punishing others.

In the fourth step, we tell the other person four pieces of information.
First, identify what the stimulus is.
It's about uncovering what our unmet needs were and what the other person's behavior was that caused the conflict.
Second, it expresses our feelings.
Please note that we are not suppressing our anger at this point.
Anger turned into feelings like sadness, pain, fear, and frustration.
Third, after expressing our feelings, we reveal our unmet needs.
And following the three pieces of information above, we make 'clear and practical requests of what we want from the other person' in relation to our feelings and unmet needs.

Expressing anger fully means not only revealing the deep emotions behind it, but also making sure the other person understands them.
We need to acquire some skills to do the job.
I need to develop some skills.
For example, when you want to gain understanding from someone, the best way is to empathize with them first.
The more I empathize with what led the other person to act the way they did, the more likely I am to fully listen and understand the depth of my experience with them.

Take your time.
Yes, sometimes it feels awkward to not act the way I was taught, but I want to take my time and live a life that aligns with the values ​​I hold dear, rather than a robotic life where I automatically follow the programs our culture has instilled in me.
So take your time and take it slow.
It may feel awkward, but that's just how I live.
To live the life I want, I will take my time and do it slowly.
Even if it makes me look like an idiot.