Author's Note

1.
With nothing in hand
2.
empty audio
3.
That gaze
4.
Baseball and Strike
5.
Fluency Factory
6.
difficult to explain
7.
Mr. Cho
8.
The courage that alcohol gives
9.
black waves
10.
Kairos
11.
Pennsylvania State University 1
12.
With big dreams
13.
Pennsylvania State University 2
14.
“Sir, which country is that?”
15.
One-way trip to the West
16.
uncertain future
17.
“I’m leaving my body.”
18.
Dismissal notice
19.
sealed box
20.
“Because our bodies have abandoned us?”
21.
Joe Biden Articles and Letters
22.
“That doesn’t stop me.”
23.
“A Softer Resting Place”
24.
“There is no such thing as ‘yet’”
25.
Mom and Dad
26.
If it weren't for you
27.
Friends
28.
sibling

References
Acknowledgements

The self I learned to hate
How can I accept it?

John Hendrickson has a fluency disorder, commonly called a stutter, and works as a reporter for The Atlantic.
He wrote a special article focusing on Joe Biden's remaining stutter in the Democratic primary ahead of the 2020 US presidential election, linking it to his own experience.
The article generated more buzz than expected, and the author appeared on MSNBC's live newscast the day after its publication.
The book begins with a moment in the waiting room for a news appearance.
In the moment when he, who stutters, is waiting for his name to be called, nervous and worried about appearing on television, something he never imagined in his life.

The author then began receiving emails from people who stuttered all over the country, and decided to confront the fundamental problem of his own stutter, which he had not been able to accept deep down until then.
Because when I had a 'public' encounter with a part of myself that still felt like a source of pain and shame, in the form of an unexpected, completely unexpected television appearance, I realized that that pain was not just my own.
The deeply personal and intimate confessions of other stutterers made the author feel compelled to say something about his own stutter and shame.
So the author begins writing a book as a journey to come to terms with his stutter.
I relive moments that I have constantly ignored and suppressed since I was young, buried deep in my own box in my heart, and I find the past connections that were with me at those moments and talk to them.

On stuttering, shame, and self-acceptance

This book is not about stuttering, but rather a record of one person's journey to come to terms with it.
When we think of stuttering, we often think of “I stutter more and more,” but to be precise, “stuttering” is a term that comprehensively describes various obstacles that occur during the process of speaking a sentence.
Unintentional prolongations during speech (“Do you want to go see a movie together?”) and speech impediments that prevent words from being uttered are also considered stuttering.
The author's stutter is particularly marked by prolongation and pauses in speech, and he describes the distress of pauses as "sometimes lasting a minute or more" and "in severe cases, feeling as if he were going to faint."

The author honestly and openly shares nearly everything that has happened to him, both internally and externally, surrounding his stutter: bullying, the societal perception that stuttering must be "fixed," the still-controversial medical community about how to effectively help people who stutter, family conflicts, drug abuse, alcoholism, shame, depression, isolation, and more.
The author's story of being at odds with society and himself due to the single difference of stuttering, and of being endlessly cowering, confronts us, without exaggeration or minimization, what it means to grow up learning to hate parts of yourself, and to live knowing nothing but to suppress or ignore something in order to become stronger.

Whatever the reason, we are at odds with society and ourselves.
The courage evoked by one man's journey to reconcile with his stutter.

The author doesn't just use his own voice to document his journey of coming to terms with his stutter.
He meets with important figures from his past, such as teachers, therapists, and former lovers, who remain in his life's memories, and he meets with other stutterers who still exist today, and he has countless conversations with the many stutterers who have contacted him since his appearance on the show.
He also participates in non-profit organizations such as the National Stuttering Association.
The voices of many people met in this way are woven throughout the author's story.
The voices of these others make the author's memories much more three-dimensional, and the author learns many things through talking to other characters who exist in specific moments imprinted in his mind.
The long journey from the shame of stuttering to self-acceptance involves a wide range of people, from close family members and teachers to parents of children who stutter, therapists, and even that stand-up comedian you were rude to at a show one night.

For John Hendrickson, shame stemmed from his stutter, but doesn't everyone have their own internal struggles that they try to hide, suppress, and pretend not to care as best they can?
A part of yourself that you absolutely do not want to accept, but would like to fix if you could.
But we need to ask ourselves why we feel we need to 'fix' something, and whether we would truly be ourselves if it were gone.
John Hendrickson very gently reminds us that what really needs to be fixed is not the stuttering, but the listener's attitude.
Above all, he believes with his head and heart that others can change just as he himself has faced his shame and accepted himself, even though it took him a very long time.
That includes people who have hurt you.
The author clearly criticizes ableism, but he never loses hope that much can change with the change of each and every person.
This book, with its firm and cautious optimism, will inspire courage in those who live in discord with society and themselves, each with their own sense of shame.