How many consents did you ask for today?
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Description
Book Introduction
Boundary Respect Class for Healthy Relationships How many times a day have we unintentionally crossed someone else's boundaries? Or, conversely, have we respected them and asked for their consent? Everyone has invisible boundaries, and they are different for everyone. People who are considerate of others and do not offend them are good at maintaining their own boundaries as well as those of others. Maintaining boundaries at this time does not mean coldly drawing a line and blindly pushing others away, but rather it is the distance and manners that are essential for maintaining wise human relationships. This book presents a wealth of examples from everyday relationships, including literary works, films, animations, newspaper articles, related statistics, and academic papers. It explains why we should respect others' boundaries, how to ask for consent, how to refuse consent effectively, and how to put it into practice. Furthermore, it introduces the concepts of sexual self-determination and comprehensive sex education in an easily understandable manner, and explains that boundary-respecting education starting from adolescence has a significant impact on preventing and responding to sexual violence. |
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index
Chapter 1: Respecting Boundaries
There is a line between people
Visible and invisible lines | The distance between you and me | I set my own boundaries
Borders are everywhere
Every Relationship Has Boundaries | Types of Boundaries | Boundaries by Relationship | Respect Boundaries
Violence if borders are violated
The road to hell is paved with good intentions | Boundary-breaking behavior | Even confession can be violence | The root of evil: border crossing
Considering Sexual Violence: Trampled Sexual Self-Determination
Chapter 2: Agreement first
Consent is required when crossing boundaries.
The Fairy and the Woodcutter | Seeking Consent | Why Ask for Consent? | The Woodcutter's End
The foundation of all relationships: consent
Seeking Consent from the Strong | Consent: An Essential Element in Every Relationship | The Importance of Consent Education | Are We Being Respected Enough?
How to get consent?
Can I kiss you? | Attitudes toward asking for consent | Conditions for true consent | Asking for consent from the other person's perspective
Is it okay if I just get consent?
Byun Hak-do's Mistake | Power Differences Lead to Crime | Power-Based Sexual Crime, Sexual Violence by Those in Power
Considering Sexual Violence - Agenda Rape
Chapter 3: How to Accept Rejection
What makes rejection difficult?
Yes Men Suffer | Psychological Reasons | Structural Aspects | Task Separation
How do I refuse?
Bartleby the Scrivener's Refusal | The Right to Refusal | How to Refusal | The Refusal of the Strong
Attitude toward accepting rejection - general rejection
Healed Femur | Rejection Didn't Reject Me | Rejection and Growth | Rejection Will Set You Free
Throw away 'No Means Yes'! - Grade Rejection
There's No Such Thing as Telepathy | The Meaning of Silence | The Meaning of No | In an Age Where Consent Matters
Violence in the name of love
"The Camellia" and Kim Yoo-jung | Stalking, a Soul-Destructive Crime | Rape Culture | Dating Violence, a Crime Disguised as Love | Safe Breakups | Dating Script
Considering Sexual Violence - Date Rape and Marital Rape
Chapter 4: Respecting Relationship Boundaries and Seeking Consent
Between friends and siblings
Between friends | Between siblings | The closer you are, the more respect you have for each other.
Between lovers
Is a wall kiss romantic? | If you love someone, ask them the right questions.
Between parents and children
The Difference Between Permission and Consent | If She's Pretty, Can I Touch Her? | Distance and Independence
Between teachers (schools) and students
School Me Too | Do Students Have Human Rights? | Schools Enforcing Silence
Between relatives and neighbors
Intrusiveness from relatives | Intrusion of boundaries by strangers | Consent from children
Thinking about sexual violence - incestuous sexual violence
Note | References
There is a line between people
Visible and invisible lines | The distance between you and me | I set my own boundaries
Borders are everywhere
Every Relationship Has Boundaries | Types of Boundaries | Boundaries by Relationship | Respect Boundaries
Violence if borders are violated
The road to hell is paved with good intentions | Boundary-breaking behavior | Even confession can be violence | The root of evil: border crossing
Considering Sexual Violence: Trampled Sexual Self-Determination
Chapter 2: Agreement first
Consent is required when crossing boundaries.
The Fairy and the Woodcutter | Seeking Consent | Why Ask for Consent? | The Woodcutter's End
The foundation of all relationships: consent
Seeking Consent from the Strong | Consent: An Essential Element in Every Relationship | The Importance of Consent Education | Are We Being Respected Enough?
How to get consent?
Can I kiss you? | Attitudes toward asking for consent | Conditions for true consent | Asking for consent from the other person's perspective
Is it okay if I just get consent?
Byun Hak-do's Mistake | Power Differences Lead to Crime | Power-Based Sexual Crime, Sexual Violence by Those in Power
Considering Sexual Violence - Agenda Rape
Chapter 3: How to Accept Rejection
What makes rejection difficult?
Yes Men Suffer | Psychological Reasons | Structural Aspects | Task Separation
How do I refuse?
Bartleby the Scrivener's Refusal | The Right to Refusal | How to Refusal | The Refusal of the Strong
Attitude toward accepting rejection - general rejection
Healed Femur | Rejection Didn't Reject Me | Rejection and Growth | Rejection Will Set You Free
Throw away 'No Means Yes'! - Grade Rejection
There's No Such Thing as Telepathy | The Meaning of Silence | The Meaning of No | In an Age Where Consent Matters
Violence in the name of love
"The Camellia" and Kim Yoo-jung | Stalking, a Soul-Destructive Crime | Rape Culture | Dating Violence, a Crime Disguised as Love | Safe Breakups | Dating Script
Considering Sexual Violence - Date Rape and Marital Rape
Chapter 4: Respecting Relationship Boundaries and Seeking Consent
Between friends and siblings
Between friends | Between siblings | The closer you are, the more respect you have for each other.
Between lovers
Is a wall kiss romantic? | If you love someone, ask them the right questions.
Between parents and children
The Difference Between Permission and Consent | If She's Pretty, Can I Touch Her? | Distance and Independence
Between teachers (schools) and students
School Me Too | Do Students Have Human Rights? | Schools Enforcing Silence
Between relatives and neighbors
Intrusiveness from relatives | Intrusion of boundaries by strangers | Consent from children
Thinking about sexual violence - incestuous sexual violence
Note | References
Into the book
Everyone can decide for themselves whether or not to have sex, date, or get married, and if so, when, where, with whom, and how to do so.
As the subject of one's own life, without interference or coercion from others or society.
This part alone is called 'sexual self-determination'.
The Constitutional Court also recognizes the right to sexual self-determination, stating that “an individual’s right to personality and the right to pursue happiness presupposes the individual’s right to determine his or her own destiny, and this right to determine his or her own destiny also includes the right to sexual self-determination, which allows one to decide whether or not to engage in sexual activity and with whom.”
--- pp.22~23
Stalking is the act of blindly following or harassing someone regardless of their will.
Sexual harassment is words and actions that cause sexual discomfort or humiliation.
Violent words and actions such as swearing, threatening, and yelling; rude words and actions such as making sexual jokes, belittling others' appearances and feelings, and mocking their sexual identity; and coercive words and actions such as going to see someone without reason, pestering them to meet, following them when they say no, and unilaterally and continuously contacting them (via phone, text, SNS, email, etc.) are all acts that violate verbal and emotional boundaries.
--- pp.40~41
In 2018, the UN Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination against Women (CEDAW) recommended that the South Korean government revise Article 297 of the Criminal Act to change the elements of rape from “violence or intimidation” to “consent.”
The UN Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination against Women's General Recommendation No. 35, "Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination against Women," states: "Ensure that the definition of sexual crimes, including marital, acquaintance, and date rape, takes into account coercive situations based on the absence of free consent."
--- pp.129~130
Dating violence is broadly divided into sexual violence, physical violence, emotional violence, and behavioral control.
Unwanted physical contact (sexual harassment) and sexual assault are considered sexual violence.
Physical violence can range from mild assaults such as pushing against a wall, grabbing a wrist, or restraining a shoulder, to more serious assaults such as choking or slapping.
Emotional abuse includes not only surveillance but also verbal abuse, insults, and threatening yelling.
Behavioral control refers to restricting the other person's actions.
--- p.141
Gender role stereotypes can also contribute to sexual crimes.
Most men accept misconceptions about sex and masculinity.
Men learn to view women as objects to be possessed for sex, rather than as equal partners with desires.
Many researchers point to the pursuit of blind masculinity, sexual stereotypes of masculine behavior, immature communication, lack of confidence, and peer influence and pressure as causes of dating violence.
--- p.147
Be careful not to violate other people's boundaries in public places.
Public places are not private spaces.
You need to be careful in various areas such as space (taking up two seats on the subway, sitting with your legs wide apart), body (patting a child passing by, smoking while walking), gaze (staring at others, stealing glances at others' cell phones), sound (loud cell phone calls in public places, construction noise next to a school or classroom), and possessions (touching or feeding other people's pets without permission).
As the subject of one's own life, without interference or coercion from others or society.
This part alone is called 'sexual self-determination'.
The Constitutional Court also recognizes the right to sexual self-determination, stating that “an individual’s right to personality and the right to pursue happiness presupposes the individual’s right to determine his or her own destiny, and this right to determine his or her own destiny also includes the right to sexual self-determination, which allows one to decide whether or not to engage in sexual activity and with whom.”
--- pp.22~23
Stalking is the act of blindly following or harassing someone regardless of their will.
Sexual harassment is words and actions that cause sexual discomfort or humiliation.
Violent words and actions such as swearing, threatening, and yelling; rude words and actions such as making sexual jokes, belittling others' appearances and feelings, and mocking their sexual identity; and coercive words and actions such as going to see someone without reason, pestering them to meet, following them when they say no, and unilaterally and continuously contacting them (via phone, text, SNS, email, etc.) are all acts that violate verbal and emotional boundaries.
--- pp.40~41
In 2018, the UN Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination against Women (CEDAW) recommended that the South Korean government revise Article 297 of the Criminal Act to change the elements of rape from “violence or intimidation” to “consent.”
The UN Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination against Women's General Recommendation No. 35, "Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination against Women," states: "Ensure that the definition of sexual crimes, including marital, acquaintance, and date rape, takes into account coercive situations based on the absence of free consent."
--- pp.129~130
Dating violence is broadly divided into sexual violence, physical violence, emotional violence, and behavioral control.
Unwanted physical contact (sexual harassment) and sexual assault are considered sexual violence.
Physical violence can range from mild assaults such as pushing against a wall, grabbing a wrist, or restraining a shoulder, to more serious assaults such as choking or slapping.
Emotional abuse includes not only surveillance but also verbal abuse, insults, and threatening yelling.
Behavioral control refers to restricting the other person's actions.
--- p.141
Gender role stereotypes can also contribute to sexual crimes.
Most men accept misconceptions about sex and masculinity.
Men learn to view women as objects to be possessed for sex, rather than as equal partners with desires.
Many researchers point to the pursuit of blind masculinity, sexual stereotypes of masculine behavior, immature communication, lack of confidence, and peer influence and pressure as causes of dating violence.
--- p.147
Be careful not to violate other people's boundaries in public places.
Public places are not private spaces.
You need to be careful in various areas such as space (taking up two seats on the subway, sitting with your legs wide apart), body (patting a child passing by, smoking while walking), gaze (staring at others, stealing glances at others' cell phones), sound (loud cell phone calls in public places, construction noise next to a school or classroom), and possessions (touching or feeding other people's pets without permission).
--- p.184
Publisher's Review
“Knock knock, can I cross this line?”
How to connect with others by listening to their needs and feelings
Is it okay to open the bus window without permission? Is it okay to post a friend's photo on my social media? Is it okay to search through my partner's phone if I suspect he's secretly seeing someone else? If you're walking down the street with someone and they start to go in the wrong direction, what if you grab their wrist and lead them towards you? These actions are all violations of someone else's boundaries.
Because I didn't ask the people around me or the other person if they agreed with the behavior.
Boundaries are broadly divided into physical boundaries (body, space, possessions) and psychological boundaries (linguistic, emotional, privacy).
Physical boundaries are the basis of all boundaries, they are the boundaries that surround the body.
Another person's entire body is an area that should not be touched carelessly.
Spatial boundaries are boundaries surrounding private spaces such as my room or my desk, while boundaries of ownership include tangible objects as well as copyrights and portrait rights.
Verbal and emotional boundaries are when someone makes you feel anxious, threatened, uncomfortable, or humiliated, and privacy boundaries are when someone asks about your private life and interferes with it, such as your school grades or whether you are in a relationship.
Any attempt to cross these boundaries must be accompanied by a process of obtaining consent.
It is the foundation of human relationships that everyone must keep in mind for one another, regardless of the level of intimacy (strangers, family, lovers, friends) and horizontal (friends, siblings) or vertical (parents and children, company CEOs and employees).
The criteria for consent and rejection, such as where to draw the line and how much to allow to whom, are decided by me, not by someone else.
I need to understand my desires and feelings well and firmly reject what I don't want.
Also, when you are rejected, you must recognize that it was not you who was rejected, but your offer, and accept it without distortion.
If you want to be respected, you must first respect other people's boundaries.
Five principles for seeking consent: bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!
It's time to move beyond 'No Means No' to 'Yes Means Yes'
The author summarizes the five principles of seeking consent: confirm, break, ask, ask, and ask again.
These are clear and unambiguous consent, being awake, being free, asking for consent every time, and guaranteeing the right to change one's mind.
Just because you kissed someone yesterday doesn't mean you want to do it again today, and just because you laid in bed together doesn't mean you agreed to have sex.
Consent given under duress or while intoxicated is not true consent, and hesitation is not clear consent either.
Learning to respect and set boundaries from a young age can help you better reject unwanted requests and even prevent sexual violence.
This is because if someone has always asked for consent when performing direct or indirect actions on their body, they can quickly recognize danger when placed in an unusual situation.
In countries like the UK and Australia, sex education has been strengthened to teach respect for boundaries and consent, making it mandatory to learn how to respect the other person's wishes and actively express one's own opinions.
UNESCO calls this “comprehensive sex education.”
The UK changed its sex education curriculum in September 2020.
We are strengthening the 'relationship building' education in existing sex education.
This is called 'Relationships and Sex Education (RSE)'.
Elementary school students learn to maintain their own boundaries and respect the boundaries of others in their daily lives, including at home, school, and playgrounds, in "relationship building" classes until the age of eleven.
Middle school students learn about sexual consent until they are sixteen.
In sexual relationships, you learn to respect your partner's wishes and actively express your own.
Australia has also made Respectful Relationships Education and consent education mandatory.
UNESCO calls this type of sex education “comprehensive sex education” and has published the “International Sex Education Guide” to actively encourage this type of education in many countries.
- Pages 66-67
When asked for consent, what should we interpret if someone responds with silence, a lack of response, or an awkward smile? The author advises not to hesitate and to simply interpret this as a "rejection."
Some European countries have introduced a 'No Means No' rule in the punishment of rape.
If the other person has clearly expressed their intention to refuse, all actions must be stopped immediately.
Going further, today's sex education emphasizes 'Yes Means Yes.'
Only clear and active consent should be considered true consent, and silence or hesitation should be considered refusal.
Using consent as the criterion for judging sexual violence has become an irreversible global trend.
The author says that asking for consent every time, especially when it comes to physical intimacy between lovers, is not a 'greasy' attitude, but rather an act of delicately considering the other person.
Stalking and dating violence are both boundary violations.
The sooner you learn the basics of citizenship, the better.
Why are respecting boundaries and seeking consent so important? The more we strive to avoid violating boundaries in our daily lives, the more we can prevent sexual violence, including stalking, sexual assault, sexual harassment, and dating violence.
This book, which delves deeper into sexual self-determination and sexual violence in a separate section titled "Thinking About Sexual Violence," is a type of sex education that is rarely encountered in schools, but is definitely worth knowing.
The author preaches that the sexual self-determination of oneself and others should be equally valued, and helps adolescents form healthy sexual values, have a subjective attitude toward sex, and engage in responsible sexual behavior.
It also provides accurate information so that citizens with discernment can carefully exercise their right to sexual self-determination.
Some adults mistakenly believe that teaching adolescents about sexual self-determination will lead to early sexual activity, but the author argues that knowing about rights and exercising them are two separate issues.
Sexual self-determination consists of two axes.
First, there is negative freedom, the ability to clearly refuse and resist unwanted sexual acts.
This includes clearly expressing your opposition if you feel sexually offended or uncomfortable by the other person's words or actions.
Second, there is the positive freedom to freely realize one's sexual desires.
For negative freedom, you must be able to confidently refuse unwanted behavior, and for positive freedom, you must be able to know your desires and openly express them.
You should freely share your opinions with your partner about skinship and respect each other's opinions.
- Page 23
If you've ever felt a subtle discomfort when the person you're talking to gets too close to you or when you hear something, but haven't been able to articulate the reason, wondering, "Am I being too sensitive?", you'll find the cause and the answer in this book.
This book will also serve as an excellent guide for adolescents, parents, and teachers who want to think comprehensively about consent and refusal, respecting boundaries, gender role stereotypes, and gender sensitivity.
How to connect with others by listening to their needs and feelings
Is it okay to open the bus window without permission? Is it okay to post a friend's photo on my social media? Is it okay to search through my partner's phone if I suspect he's secretly seeing someone else? If you're walking down the street with someone and they start to go in the wrong direction, what if you grab their wrist and lead them towards you? These actions are all violations of someone else's boundaries.
Because I didn't ask the people around me or the other person if they agreed with the behavior.
Boundaries are broadly divided into physical boundaries (body, space, possessions) and psychological boundaries (linguistic, emotional, privacy).
Physical boundaries are the basis of all boundaries, they are the boundaries that surround the body.
Another person's entire body is an area that should not be touched carelessly.
Spatial boundaries are boundaries surrounding private spaces such as my room or my desk, while boundaries of ownership include tangible objects as well as copyrights and portrait rights.
Verbal and emotional boundaries are when someone makes you feel anxious, threatened, uncomfortable, or humiliated, and privacy boundaries are when someone asks about your private life and interferes with it, such as your school grades or whether you are in a relationship.
Any attempt to cross these boundaries must be accompanied by a process of obtaining consent.
It is the foundation of human relationships that everyone must keep in mind for one another, regardless of the level of intimacy (strangers, family, lovers, friends) and horizontal (friends, siblings) or vertical (parents and children, company CEOs and employees).
The criteria for consent and rejection, such as where to draw the line and how much to allow to whom, are decided by me, not by someone else.
I need to understand my desires and feelings well and firmly reject what I don't want.
Also, when you are rejected, you must recognize that it was not you who was rejected, but your offer, and accept it without distortion.
If you want to be respected, you must first respect other people's boundaries.
Five principles for seeking consent: bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!
It's time to move beyond 'No Means No' to 'Yes Means Yes'
The author summarizes the five principles of seeking consent: confirm, break, ask, ask, and ask again.
These are clear and unambiguous consent, being awake, being free, asking for consent every time, and guaranteeing the right to change one's mind.
Just because you kissed someone yesterday doesn't mean you want to do it again today, and just because you laid in bed together doesn't mean you agreed to have sex.
Consent given under duress or while intoxicated is not true consent, and hesitation is not clear consent either.
Learning to respect and set boundaries from a young age can help you better reject unwanted requests and even prevent sexual violence.
This is because if someone has always asked for consent when performing direct or indirect actions on their body, they can quickly recognize danger when placed in an unusual situation.
In countries like the UK and Australia, sex education has been strengthened to teach respect for boundaries and consent, making it mandatory to learn how to respect the other person's wishes and actively express one's own opinions.
UNESCO calls this “comprehensive sex education.”
The UK changed its sex education curriculum in September 2020.
We are strengthening the 'relationship building' education in existing sex education.
This is called 'Relationships and Sex Education (RSE)'.
Elementary school students learn to maintain their own boundaries and respect the boundaries of others in their daily lives, including at home, school, and playgrounds, in "relationship building" classes until the age of eleven.
Middle school students learn about sexual consent until they are sixteen.
In sexual relationships, you learn to respect your partner's wishes and actively express your own.
Australia has also made Respectful Relationships Education and consent education mandatory.
UNESCO calls this type of sex education “comprehensive sex education” and has published the “International Sex Education Guide” to actively encourage this type of education in many countries.
- Pages 66-67
When asked for consent, what should we interpret if someone responds with silence, a lack of response, or an awkward smile? The author advises not to hesitate and to simply interpret this as a "rejection."
Some European countries have introduced a 'No Means No' rule in the punishment of rape.
If the other person has clearly expressed their intention to refuse, all actions must be stopped immediately.
Going further, today's sex education emphasizes 'Yes Means Yes.'
Only clear and active consent should be considered true consent, and silence or hesitation should be considered refusal.
Using consent as the criterion for judging sexual violence has become an irreversible global trend.
The author says that asking for consent every time, especially when it comes to physical intimacy between lovers, is not a 'greasy' attitude, but rather an act of delicately considering the other person.
Stalking and dating violence are both boundary violations.
The sooner you learn the basics of citizenship, the better.
Why are respecting boundaries and seeking consent so important? The more we strive to avoid violating boundaries in our daily lives, the more we can prevent sexual violence, including stalking, sexual assault, sexual harassment, and dating violence.
This book, which delves deeper into sexual self-determination and sexual violence in a separate section titled "Thinking About Sexual Violence," is a type of sex education that is rarely encountered in schools, but is definitely worth knowing.
The author preaches that the sexual self-determination of oneself and others should be equally valued, and helps adolescents form healthy sexual values, have a subjective attitude toward sex, and engage in responsible sexual behavior.
It also provides accurate information so that citizens with discernment can carefully exercise their right to sexual self-determination.
Some adults mistakenly believe that teaching adolescents about sexual self-determination will lead to early sexual activity, but the author argues that knowing about rights and exercising them are two separate issues.
Sexual self-determination consists of two axes.
First, there is negative freedom, the ability to clearly refuse and resist unwanted sexual acts.
This includes clearly expressing your opposition if you feel sexually offended or uncomfortable by the other person's words or actions.
Second, there is the positive freedom to freely realize one's sexual desires.
For negative freedom, you must be able to confidently refuse unwanted behavior, and for positive freedom, you must be able to know your desires and openly express them.
You should freely share your opinions with your partner about skinship and respect each other's opinions.
- Page 23
If you've ever felt a subtle discomfort when the person you're talking to gets too close to you or when you hear something, but haven't been able to articulate the reason, wondering, "Am I being too sensitive?", you'll find the cause and the answer in this book.
This book will also serve as an excellent guide for adolescents, parents, and teachers who want to think comprehensively about consent and refusal, respecting boundaries, gender role stereotypes, and gender sensitivity.
GOODS SPECIFICS
- Date of issue: June 27, 2023
- Page count, weight, size: 208 pages | 318g | 140*200*12mm
- ISBN13: 9791169811446
- ISBN10: 1169811442
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