At that time, when I had lost the reason to live due to postpartum depression, I hid in books.
At that time, I practiced Havruta writing centered on the topics presented in the 36 books that saved me.
Havruta writing is reading a book, talking to myself, getting to know myself, applying it to my life, and recording my thoughts.
The author healed himself by asking himself questions about who he was and what he wanted, and writing his own answers.
This book is a five-year journey of healing that began in that desperate moment, and a prescription for the heart for those who choose to live rather than isolate themselves.

Only then did I realize.
I met and talked with about 830 people over the past 9 years, but the fact is that no one asked me anything.
He didn't know anything about me.
So it's only natural that I didn't know 'how to save myself'.
I wanted to save myself from falling endlessly into the abyss.
--- From the "Prologue"

As I was writing, I started to think about things I could do to shake off my depression.
I started with small challenges one by one.
First of all, every morning, I greeted the first person I met by saying, “Hello.”
I was riding the subway for a year.
The first day, I just passed through the ticket gate, sat in the station, and came back. The next day, I went to one stop, and the day after that, I went to three stops.
The trembling that was like an aspen tree has subsided and I have gained confidence that I can do a little more tomorrow.
--- p.27

Here's how to mend your mind while saving money and time.
It is 'ask my heart'.
There is a Chinese proverb that says, "He who asks questions is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask questions is a fool for life."
Anyone who doesn't ask me questions will live their whole life as a fool who doesn't know much about me.
Don't think of asking questions as something grand.
It can be as simple as stepping on a scale or wearing a bracelet to track your sleep patterns.
It's a process of finding what's right for my mind, like controlling my snack intake when I suddenly gain weight or keeping aromatherapy close by for a good night's sleep.
--- p.38

Rather than trying to be a perfect person by the world's standards, it's more important to listen to your heart.
Don't judge me by perfect standards, just look at me as I am.
I also acknowledge some uncomfortable feelings, such as anxiety, fear, and helplessness.
As Professor Jong-ho Na said, “Everyone has the right to be sick,” there is no shame in taking care of your own pain.
--- p.63

There was a time when I was so pathetic that I couldn't even be willing to dedicate myself to my children.
Until I read Park Woong-hyun's "Eight Words."
I was grateful to him for choosing 'self-respect' as the first of the eight words that describe life.
I want to go and hug you and cry my eyes out.
For me, childcare was a package that was delivered even though I never ordered it.
It felt like I was cramming myself into a standard box that said, '30s, female, childbirth.'
One day, he came to me and said, "Ji-ik," while tearing off the tape.
“What are you doing there? Come out now.
“Your life is still in the zenith.”
--- p.74

Please take the time to examine the cracks in my heart and fill in the gaps.
Author Jeong Hye-shin says, "People fall most deeply when they feel betrayed in their hearts."
Here, the target of ‘betrayal’ is not another person.
It means that I ignore and turn away from my heart.
We, who are more sincere than anyone else, are often irresponsible to ourselves.
And the result is a sick heart filled with anger, helplessness, and emptiness.
Why are we so cold to ourselves?
--- p.79

Just because you like roses or cacti doesn't mean you have to hug them and suffer.
Conversely, I don't have to pull out all his thorns just because they hurt me.
It's a good relationship if you don't get close and touch, but just look at each other from a suitable distance.
That's the answer I found to my relationship with my mother.
Whenever family stories come up in writing classes, there are a lot of people who express the entangled emotions between mothers and daughters.
A relationship where there is much understanding and misunderstanding because we were once one body and walked similar paths.
A relationship like kimchi pancakes, where we hold each other tightly, press down, and support each other.
But there is a way to keep each flavor alive while eating it in one bite.
Like Vietnamese spring rolls.
I hope you find the aesthetics of a relationship where you respect each other at an appropriate distance.
--- p.112

Learning Havruta changed my writing.
This is because the most frequently used sentences have emerged while talking with a partner.
It's "What do you think, teacher?"
To be honest, at first I had a hard time continuing to ask follow-up questions, so I started asking the other person's opinion.
But as I used this sentence more often, changes gradually came to my thoughts and daily life.
--- p.117

My winding life stood beside them like a tree.
The protruding parts make a good base to lean against, and the branches that bend in all directions inspire the painter.
The children's cries, which were as noisy as woodpeckers, have quieted down, and the nest has finally been made available to the children.
I wasn't alone.
--- p.151

It must be because of my past that I get nervous over small things.
In fact, I was trying so hard to breathe that I wanted to run away just as desperately.
In my 20s, I worked until dawn every day to escape my mother's interference.
After giving birth, I did something at dawn to avoid being crushed by the responsibility of being a mother.
So, my efforts were the complete opposite of those of the clematis.
They struggled to live as themselves, but I ran to escape my heavy role.
I just looked forward, without even knowing who I was or where I was going.
--- p.206

If I had heard about my past from someone else's mouth at a gathering, I would have hugged them tightly with all my heart.
But I feel sorry for 'me' who criticized me for not being stronger and turned a blind eye to it.
Thank you for not giving up despite countless failures, but for living a good life by overcoming them with steadfast determination.
I will spend the remaining days with a strong companion so that I will not be lonely.

--- From "Epilogue"